19th April 2009
Question
I've been seeing a therapist for over two years now. As a 30-year old man, I have become disillusioned with life, feel very low, and find it hard to communicate without severe anxiety. I am beginning to despise myself - and I have no idea why.
I even feel a fraud in my good job that I worked so hard to train for. I have recently been promoted to a leadership role, but now have this idea that some men are not meant to lead, and that I am just a follower. But despite improving my diet, doing exercise and attending therapy, I cannot find the underlying reason for all these negative feelings.
I am totally open and honest with the therapist, and am willing to address all issues, or try anything, but am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with the loneliness and isolation. What more can I do?
Answer
People shut down their involvement with the world when they are trying to bury rage. That rage is the result of an emotional wound. It is a terrifying mix of pain, helplessness and anger. It threatens to overwhelm us. So we batten down the hatches.
Disengaging from the world is a subtle, but all-pervasive process. Look at what you're telling me. You don't just feel lonely and isolated. Your disconnection is now affecting even something concrete like the career position you worked so hard to achieve. Added to your absence of joy is now an absence of any sense of achievement. That's a serious shut-down isn't it?
There is, however, something positive going on. Working its way up through all that disillusion and disengagement is an angry attitude to yourself. Yes, you talk in terms of despising yourself. And no, that's not pleasant. Nor is it appropriate, since you have no reason to despise yourself, or in any way be angry with yourself. But strange as it might sound, feeling angry, in whatever form, is progress. Hiding in depression seemed the only way your vulnerable psyche could manage until now. So any glimpse of that anger means you're slowly getting stronger.
Yes, it gets harder before it gets easier. That's because therapy involves dismantling our protective emotional shield. How else can light be shed on the truth? And of course you need to be careful. You need to recognise the fact that anger at yourself is just a first tentative step, an apparently safe way to feel your anger. It's still an emotional red herring. As you become psychologically more sure-footed, your anger will slowly shift onto the real cause of your emotional pain. No, I don't know the cause. I just know there is a cause.
Obviously you need to discuss all this with your therapist. It's very important you don't stay stuck on the step of self-dislike. You are a good man, working hard to get it right. Respect that. Your psyche is being as brave as it can be. Admire that. You have such huge courage. Acknowledge that.You're on the road to discovery, and joy. Believe that.
