Question
I'm 44 and have three healthy children, all under 12 and all very precious to me. We would have liked another one, but due to fertility problems this did not work out, leaving me feeling very cheated and my partner feeling very guilty.
The last few months I feel 'different'. I feel stressed a lot of the time, and anxious, especially at night. I am often awake for hours feeling really tense and vulnerable. My son will start secondary school in September and I spend restless hours wondering will he settle, is it the right school for him, will he make new friends. I actually hate the thought of him going to ‘big' school as I feel it's the beginning of the end of his childhood with me.
I work full-time, sometimes have to travel, and can never sleep when I have an early start, or an over-night stay. This leaves me wrecked for the week. I have a good job and have worked right throughout my marriage. But I feel that at 43 I have had enough, enough pressure, enough business plans, enough running and racing. I was very interested in my career before my children were born, but now I just want a job - and not a full-time one, just a few hours a day so I can have some money for myself. Basically I want to be left with enough energy to cook nice dinners, help with homework and be in good form when my kids come home.
My family keep reminding me of the recession and the importance of hanging onto my good job. I can, however, reduce my hours without any fear of losing my job. But I almost feel guilty about it. I believe people look at you in a different way when you work less, almost as if you're doing something illegal by going home early. And I know, of course, that in my organisation - and in most companies - you are 'written off' when you reduce your working hours, so I hope this won't make me feel bad about myself.
I suppose I feel I'm entering a new phase in my life. No more babies, which is a huge disappointment. I almost feel like the best part of my life is over and that leaves me a bit down. My eldest already has the teenage ‘attitude' which sometimes hurts and upsets me. My parents are elderly and frail. And I feel stuck between being a good mother and a good employee.
Do some people hate change? Is this a mid-life crisis? How do I stop feeling so anxious? I'm scared of change and can't make a decision. Can you encourage me to do what I want to do, which is to be honest with my boss, reduce my hours, and have more fun.
Answer
Why would you feel cheated because you hadn't got a fourth child? And why on earth would your husband feel guilty? Yes, I know, he's probably shooting blanks. But he didn't deliberately destroy his sperm to spite you, now did he? So why the blame game? It's not just fear of change you're fighting. It's a pattern of discontent.
No, this is not a side issue. It's the main story-line. Look at your attitude to your eldest starting school. You're fretting nights away, primarily because you hate what you see as the end of a particular kind of mothering. Couldn't you be thrilled to have reared him safely so far? Your challenge, in other words, is to start seeing the proverbial glass half full rather than half empty. Until you meet that challenge, nothing will work, you'll never feel emotionally safe, and happiness will always elude you.
You actually know that yourself. You want to cut back your working hours. What hampers you is the fear that you'll feel second-class on the job, and hence suffer. The point you're missing is that you have a choice as to how you'll feel if you work less. Certainly, your status on the job will change. What you'll gain, however, is a much better work-life balance. More importantly, you'll be doing what you want to do, which is the greatest bonus of all.
Looking at the downside of life is a form of victim status, a habitual perception of yourself as short-changed. Sleepless nights, anxiety, difficulties making decisions, and just plain unhappiness is the obvious product of feeling put-upon. Less obvious is the anger. That anger is a rage against discomfort, a profound reluctance to pay the price which life demands, a fury about reality. You're sad about your son becoming a teenager, and somewhat distant. But you only have that sadness because you had his childhood - the price life demands. And no, I am most certainly not blaming you, or criticising you, or in any way saying that you're awful. We all have such battles with our souls.
How wonderful that you are so in touch with your feelings. How great it is to recognise that you want to do things differently, while so many of the rest of us stay stuck in our stress, unable to see what's really wrong with us. You don't believe in suffering needlessly. You want things to be nice. And you have options. Think of all the men who simply had to stick it out because they were the sole breadwinners.
Celebrate your freedom to make choices. Be the happy woman who has time for her teenage children - who need you, in many ways, far more than when they were younger. And let your husband off the hook of guilt. Tell him how blessed you feel to have your precious children, and him.
