26th April, 2009
Question
I'm lost. I never know when to let things go and when to make myself heard. When I let things go, as in someone walking all over me, I feel like a passive aggressive, keeping all the anger inside, seething, and often waiting to get my own back. I mean, how can I prevent something happening again, if I let it go? What does it say about me?
Yet when I seek to be heard, something which doesn't come easily to me, I often come up against a brick wall. A lot of people just want what they want, and don't care about me, or anyone else. For example, a neighbour has a house alarm which regularly goes off, and is left ringing for hours. Yet I know that if I complained, I'd simply get the brush-off. But if my alarm was left ringing the door would be knocked down with complaints and I would sort it out as soon as possible.
I'm seething as I write because I realise that I don't get any respect. Yet I pay due respect to others. I want to do something about that discrepancy. I've done a personal development course and am quite confident, but people scare me. I suppose I'm not a particularly sociable person. Certainly I don't feel I'm exactly a lover of people. As a result, I'm basically walked on.
Answer
If your immediate distress has actually been caused by this neighbour's alarm, then let's get something straight here. Problems with neighbours are notoriously difficult. You can get a barring order on a family member, if things get tough enough. But terrible neighbours are an entirely different ball-game. Self-assertion simply doesn't come into it. A neighbour leaves his barking dog out all day. He does that because it suits him. Sure, it's a lack of respect. But it's his disrespectful personality, rather than any failure on your part to command respect. It's nothing personal. The same applies to your neighbour and his alarm system. He simply hasn't bothered to get one which times out. He's careless, feckless, anti-social, a pain in the ass. It happens. That's bad luck, not poor personal skills on your part.
That said, if you haven't complained yet, then do. It's a simple first step in self-assertion. Nobody can read your mind. Perhaps the idiot next door doesn't even know his alarm has disturbed you. Never underestimate other people's lack of imagination. So put him in the picture. And make your request clear. You'd like him to up-grade his alarm system, or at least get it serviced. And you think two weeks would be a reasonable time-span. And you'd be prepared to help him out by being around when the contractor calls - you know, in case your neighbour genuinely works miles away at a job that doesn't give him domestic leave. All I'm saying is that you should not lose heart if he fails to play ball. It's him, not you.
We command respect by respecting ourselves. Yes, everybody wants their own way. That's why each individual has to create what psychologists call personal boundaries. They differ. A very good friend of mine is happy to wait. I'm punctual, and find other people's tardiness disconcerting. But we have to recognise that there's a fine line, somewhere, between being abused, and accommodating others. Self-assertion is not about having it all your own way. It's about saying what you want, and then working out a compromise. If you feel walked on, then two things have happened. You haven't articulated your desires in the first place. Or you've failed to find the point at which you stay stop, when those desires are ignored. Or both. This has nothing to do with disliking people. It's about a failure to like yourself. Start practicing.
