3rd May, 2009
Question
Last autumn my nine-month relationship with my boyfriend ended. I was devastated and completely taken aback as we had been getting on so well. He was happy, very attentive and loving and there was no indication that anything was wrong. He simply said he was going back to his previous girlfriend. She broke up with him just a month before we got together. He did mention her, and the break-up, but he showed little or no sign of being upset, and definitely no sign of being heartbroken. He also reassured me that it was me he wanted to be with.
It seems he must have met me on the rebound. But I always thought that a person on the rebound just wanted a shoulder to cry on, and then moved on when he had recovered. My boyfriend didn't seem at all to want a shoulder to cry on. He gave all the appearance of being happy and loving towards me.
What exactly was going on here? Did my boyfriend simply use me? How was he able to keep up the appearance of being happy and loving towards me if he was heartbroken Did he simply transfer his love from one person to the other for a while? Was he in love with both of us? Was he in love with neither of us, but just in love with himself? What would have happened if his ex-girlfriend didn't come back? Would he have continued the relationship with me, or would it have ended eventually anyway? How do you recognise someone on the rebound? Does the person himself know he's on the rebound? If not, how can he find out?
I feel very shaken and confused, and so very wary of getting involved with another man, even after all this time.
Answer
A lot of people have no time for Freud, but I'm a bit of a fan. He was, as you know, the master of the unconscious mind. And one of his central themes was what he called denial.
For some time after my father died, I'd often find myself turning in the gate of my parents' home, my head full of something I was going to discuss with him. And then I'd notice he was missing from his usual place at the window, and wonder why. He'd been ill for some time, I visited almost every day, and he always saluted me as I walked up the garden path. Luckily my conscious brain invariably clicked back in as I went through the front door. My mother would undoubtedly have been very distressed if I'd gone in asking where my father was. One day I even saw a mustard-coloured sports-car like he used to own, did a U-turn on the road, and followed it, thinking that I really wanted to talk to him.
I'm not telling my life-story here. I'm describing what many who grieve the loss of a loved one have experienced. They suspend reality for a while. The unconscious mind takes over. The loved one isn't dead. Such denial is driven by the pain of loss. The point is, we are all capable of such denial. And the loss isn't necessarily through death. Your boyfriend's ex didn't die. She ditched him. He went into denial, not about the fact of her leaving him, but about all his feelings surrounding that event. He didn't act as though it hadn't happened. He acted as though it didn't matter.
Let's remember that we're not suggesting your boyfriend deliberately deceived you. He's not a nasty person. He didn't set out to emotionally abuse you, or to pretend something he didn't really feel. Denial meant he was convinced himself. Nor should you blame yourself, or think you were some kind of blind idiot. Emotional denial is subtle, and powerful. I've seen so many men and women have intense relationships shortly after their marriages broke up. And when these relationships in turn end, they have gone on to grieve for them terribly. From the outside it's clear that what they are really grieving for is the lost marriage. But try telling them that! It's emotionally far too dangerous to mourn the marriage – most particularly if you're the one who left it – so you deny the pain, and transfer it onto that short, post-marital relationship instead, unconsciously of course.
Emotional denial can take several routes. Maybe your boy-friend blocked out his ex-girlfriend entirely, simply censored out the fact that he'd had a meaningful relationship, ‘forgot' it, in all but the most factual sense. Or perhaps he substituted you for the girl he had loved because he desperately wanted to go on loving, go on living in a loving relationship, continue being part of a two-some. In the first scenario he's blocking out the reality that there ever was an emotional relationship with his ex. In the second scenario, he's unconsciously trying to re-create it. Either way he was avoiding actually feeling the heartbreak.
What didn't happen, thankfully, was a third scenario. Your boyfriend was nice and loving towards to you. It could have been different. Having ‘fallen in love' with you, he could then have gone on to beat you up emotionally, fuelled by all his unacknowledged anger and hurt about being dumped. You're sad and confused now. Think of how terrible it would be if your boyfriend had spent much of those nine months putting you down, criticising you, undermining your self-esteem, all the while declaring how much he needed you. It happens so often.
Denial is essential to our emotional survival. Our minds only allows us feel the pain we can manage. No, I'm not trying to defend your ex-boyfriend, or to say that what he did was right. He hurt you. It wasn't right. It's no longer fashionable to talk about examining our conscience, but we definitely have a duty to examine our behaviour, reflect on what we do, or fail to do. Unacknowledged anger and anxiety have an awkward way of surfacing in disguise, and dealing some deadly blows.
Recognising denial in others is difficult, but there are some red flags flying: A man or woman on the rebound often gets intensely into a relationship very quickly, which can feel very flattering. Anybody who says they didn't mind being dumped has to be taken with a large grain of salt. And any man or woman who has just come out of a relationship is potentially emotionally destructive, no matter how nice they are. After that, we take our chances. We can't know. There's no point in being afraid. Love is dangerous as well as delightful.
