3rd May 2009
Question
I'm a 30 year old man and can't cope. I have spent 10 years in college, including a difficult post-graduate course, studying to get where I am. But I have suddenly realised that I am terribly lonely and unhappy. I have focussed on the destination, to the exclusion of all else. The unhappiness stems from doing a highly stressful job that I feel I'm not able for, and not interested in. However, I am powerless to leave, or change jobs, as I am saddled with a lot of debt from college.
All of these factors are leaving me extremely anxious, and overwhelmed. I have been talking to a counsellor, and my GP has prescribed anti-anxiety medication. However, I still feel that this is all too much to take. I am terrified that my poor concentration, lack of confidence and lack of proper participation in work will all ultimately cause me to lose my job. I want to focus on solutions, but am running out of ideas. I badly need help.
Answer
What you're describing is a classic case of stress, which is really indistinguishable from sustained panic. That basically means that you're emotionally off-balance. If it was your body, rather than your psyche, you'd be stumbling, falling, misjudging distances, experiencing vertigo, desperately grabbing for things to hold onto, and regularly missing the mark.
No job is the right job when we're highly stressed. No task is the right task. No social interaction feels appropriate, with friend, lover or foe. In that state, we're literally fit for nothing. All our judgments are deeply suspect. The good news, however, is that you can still feel your loneliness, and recognise where you may have gone wrong. Seriously stressed people often lose touch with all feelings, racing only to keep up until they collapse, physically or psychologically.
You've hit the nail on the head. You focussed on the destination and forgot to enjoy the journey. You've starved yourself of ordinary everyday experiences, joys, pleasures, contentment. Now you're running on empty and need to tank up. The challenge is how. At the moment two things are happening: You're absolutely exhausted. And you're still obsessing about the job. Obviously these two are feeding into each other.
We can sometimes be too much in the head. In that situation, counselling can help keep us afloat, but can also add to the drain on rapidly decreasing energy. In such cases it makes sense to turn to some physical support or therapy. I'm talking here acupuncture, or proper massage, or an appropriate fitness training programme, whatever suits your personality. This is on the basis that stress is a mind/body matter, a balanced body thus helping to ease a troubled mind. After that, practice pleasure - nice meals, chats with others, going for a swim, watching a football match, whatever. It takes practice, so be patient with yourself.
At the end of the day, all of us have to believe that we are bigger than any set of circumstances we find ourselves in. You've got the job. Ease your foot off the gas-pedal, and focus instead on becoming a whole human being again.
