10th May, 2009
Question
On the surface I'm one of those who have it all - job, house, happy marriage, clever and popular children. Lately, however, I'm worried about one aspect of my life, which is sex. For many months now, I have no interest at all.
I love my husband. He is kind and attentive. He seems to want it all the time. I don't. It could be because I'm on the pill, or because I'm tired all the time, or because I don't like myself much at the moment - I really need to lose some weight but can't. I often find myself thinking ‘is this all I'm made for', sex I mean. I hear other mothers giggling at the school gate that they must go to the gym 'because we must keep our husbands happy'. That turns me off. If my husband only loved me when I'm perfect, I wouldn't want anything to do with him. It's my body.
Women in the media are full of the same stuff. Keep your man happy. And my husband once joked that it was his right, that sex was part of the marriage contract. I don't agree with that. I want my marriage to be about so much more. I don't want my body to be someone else's property. But I know my current lack of sex is making my husband unhappy. Yet I just can't make myself want it. Where do I go from here?
Answer
Stop, right now. I don't know why you've lost interest in sex. Building a defensive ideology around your disinterest, however, is certainly no solution.
This isn't about your body being your own, or about being loved only when you're perfect, or about marriage meaning more than just sex, or about women in the media saying anything at all. This isn't even about your husband being unhappy. You've lost a central part of your vitality, an essential element in your life, and are heading down the path of great personal unhappiness. Allowing your sexual interest to slide away is psychologically costly.
It's also unwise. What you're describing is a symptom, your mind and body telling you that you're in trouble. A woman who is tired all the time, who is carrying too much weight which she feels she can't shift, and who doesn't like herself, has a hole at the centre of her existence. It's not just sex you're failing to enjoy. It's your life. In fact you need to take the focus off sex for a moment. Why are you ignoring the symptoms of your physical and emotional distress? Why are your tired? Why are you eating too much? Most importantly, why are you prepared to dislike yourself, rather than tackling the problem. Why, in short, are you settling for misery, rather than sensible action?
Can I just say something more general, without getting into a political dialogue which would not be helpful. A job, children, a house and a marriage all take their toll. That's especially true to-day, when we expect so much of ourselves on every front. And remember, such a life was once seen as a working class burden, women who had to work, with little or no domestic help. And I don't think that washing machines, kindergartens, and new age husbands who hoover, necessarily alter the balance. Many women feel tired and entirely worn out, but since - as you say yourself - they appear to have it all, they are loath to challenge the social norm. Instead, they drop into bed, or sit exhausted in front of the TV, saving some precious time for themselves at the expense of their intimate marital lives, because sex requires energy, the energy to engage with another human being. So add your life-style to the issues that may need to be addressed. Do you really want to continue trying to have it all? Is that wise?
You include a happy marriage in the list of what you have. Can I just sound a note of warning? It won't stay happy if you and your husband fail to agree about sexual closeness. That doesn't mean either party necessarily getting exactly what they want. It does mean working out a compromise which allows both partners dignity, emotional equilibrium, and the strong sense of being loved, appreciated, cared for, respected. Your husband doesn't feel like that right now - you've told me yourself.
Am I allowed the wisdom of an older woman? Sexual unavailability is not felt as rejection when there's a reason, a problem which is being tackled. Simply saying no, however, is a kind of bullying when you think about it. It involves basically telling your husband to get lost doesn't it, while knowing that because he loves you, he's not really going anywhere, other than retreating into increasing unhappiness. Why would you be so unkind to a good man whom you love?
Engage your husband as your ally and friend, which is what he is. Think radically about your lifestyle, if that's what's required. Life has given you so much. Cherish it.
