17th May 2009
Question
I'm in my mid-forties. I'm married to a wonderful husband and have four great children. I am very lucky. I work outside the home, we have a good network of friends, and a supportive extended family. I honestly love my life.
However, for the last number of years, there is one thought constantly niggling, and consuming me at times. I find some women physically and sexually attractive. I have never done anything about this. I have never made approaches to another woman. I have never told anyone about this.
I enjoy sex with my husband and I think we have a good sex life. I admire handsome and attractive men, as I'm sure most other married women do. But almost every day I would have some thoughts about women. This disturbs and bothers me and I try to keep very busy in order to distract myself. I don't know what to do.
How can I deal with this? How can I get these thoughts of other women out of my mind, and get back to enjoying my wonderful family and life? Believe it or not, the thought has crossed my mind that if I was abroad on holidays, I could meet with a stranger for an evening and have sex with her - all in the hope that this would sort the problem, once and for all. Is this a crazy thought? I really want to 'fix' this problem.
Answer
There has been a sea-change in our approach to problems over the life-span of my professional career. When I started off, society dictated that we bury emotional distress. Now we feel we can fix anything. In crude cultural terms, we've all become Americans, embracing a world of openness and 'can do'. This was, of course, the right way to go. Indeed a therapist's job involves digging up buried hurt, so that it can be disarmed, and hence lose its impact.
It's good, in short, that you want to 'fix' yourself as you put it. I just need to tell you that sometimes such fixing lies in old-fashioned concepts like acceptance and endurance. But first I want to talk to you about fantasy.
Imagination is an essential element of self-expression. Fantasising is also a safety-valve. We can soar high, or dig deep into the depths of our psyche, without hurting anyone, including ourselves. We can explore who we really are, how we really feel, what we really believe. And it can remain a secret, leaving the calm waters of our lives untroubled. The point about fantasising is that we don't need to do anything. At least we don't need to change anything concrete in the outside world. We can, however, change ourselves, our interior world. We can, to use your word 'fix' ourselves, by coming to terms with who we are.
You sexually fancy other women. Over the last few years, your imagination has allowed you to acknowledge that element of your personality. Unconscious feelings have become conscious in the safe environment of your fantasy world. This may not be comfortable - in fact is clearly not comfortable for you. But it is not pathological. It's not wrong. And most importantly of all, it is not something you have to act on.
We are constantly confronted by our own impulses. How many parents have wanted to strike out in anger at their children, either physically or verbally, and resisted. How often have we hated our partners, or others we love, and kept that anger internal. And some say that the extent to which we lust after attractive members of the opposite sex is a sign that we are still alive and kicking. You don't have to act on every lustful thought. You've told me so yourself. Why, then, would it be any different with our homosexual impulses?
Enlightenment has brought with it a terrible desire to sexually label ourselves. The more we recognise the diversity of sexual orientation, the more we want each person to 'come out', clearly. Our tolerance of ambiguity in matters sexual has seriously decreased. We crave clarity. Yet no-one's sexual orientation is water-tight. The truth is that we're all perched somewhere on a line which reaches from homosexual to heterosexual. We do have our preferences, some of us more clearly than others. Nothing, however, is absolute.
You are happily married to a heterosexual man, you have a happy sexual relationship, and you're aware that you fancy other women. If it didn't sound flippant, which I never am, I could answer 'so what'? You fancy other men, and you don't do anything about it. Nor does it trouble you. Why would you feel you had to do something about your lesbian fantasies? Yes, I understand that you're afraid. And I'm trying to explain your fear to you. In the days of emotional repression, we didn't worry about loving our female friends. In a funny way, we were less conservative. Now that everybody knows about homosexuality, everyone is terrified of same-sex crushes, of same-sex affection, of same-sex intimacy. We've become fearful of our feelings. And why? Because we believe we have to act on them.
You're confronted with a challenge to act wisely. You have a good life. Cherish it. Acknowledge the person your fantasies reveal to you. Honour her. And then relax. Avoid the trap of seeking simple solutions. Human beings are complex, most particularly, perhaps, when it comes to sexuality. Accept that, and stop worrying.
