17th May, 2009
Question
I've been married for 18 years, we have two kids, and all the good stuff that came with living in Ireland over the past ten years. The issue, I suppose, started simply and was ignored, and grew.
Three years ago my wife became friendly with a senior work colleague. This grew into a strong friendship. They would meet for coffee, lunch etc. and to be honest, I didn't see any danger signs. Anyway, coffee and lunch grew into dinner and evenings out and eventually into a relationship. To be fair, my wife was honest when they became intimate. She also stated that she didn't want her marriage to end, that she still loved me, but needed this man for whom she had developed strong feelings.
Two years on, she continues to see this man, stays with him overnight once a week and sometimes spends a night with him at the weekends. I have learned to ignore this staying over, the phone calls, the lingerie gifts, and I suppose we reached a position of mutual agreement.
Anyway, I have had enough, and want to live a proper life with a wife who cares only for me. I don't want someone in the background who can run my life by virtue of being my wife's lover. What should I do? Do I ask her to leave, or to choose one of us? I suppose I know I've been used, and allowed a stronger character to run the show.
Answer
No. You didn't allow your wife to run the show. And no, the lover in the background is not running your life either. You agreed to a particular life-style. That's OK. It's just important that you recognise that you actively participated. I imagine most men would have raised hell. You didn't. That was your choice. You are not a victim.
It can be hard to see ourselves as active participants when all we seem to do is agree, or accept, or learn to ignore as you describe it. Putting up with something can seem like an unwilling sacrifice. It's not. Confronted with the strength of your wife's desire for this other relationship, you may have been afraid of losing her. Or perhaps you didn't want to disrupt your children's lives. Or didn't want to face the turmoil. Or didn't feel strong enough to do battle. Perhaps you were not even that concerned about the issue of wifely faithfulness. I don't know, because you haven't told me. I do know that you went along with it all. It seemed the easier route.
Now you want to change the contract. That's fine too. You just have to decide what you want, and put some energy into achieving it. Do you want your wife back? Or do you want to end your marriage. Do you want the children, or do you want to share the responsibility of caring for them. Do you want to go on living in the family home, or would you settle for moving out.. How do you see money being divided up? It's simple really, painful perhaps, but simple. You decide what you want, you try to achieve it, and then you compromise if your wife doesn't share your wishes.
Can I say it again? You're not a victim. Your wife wanted something more than the marriage. You agreed, even if only by tolerating and ignoring. Now that your feelings have changed, and you believe you've had enough, you and your wife just have to make a new agreement. Yes, I know it's hard. All I'm saying is that the principle is simple. I mean, at the end of the day you may decide to continue as you are. That may be the compromise, when you look at the kids, the house, the money, the feelings you have for your wife, the lot. All I'm saying is that you must recognise that that, too, is an active decision. Your life is not being run by someone else. It is being run by you. You can do it differently. Or openly acknowledge that you've decided to continue.
