24th May, 2009
Question
I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I love very much. We've been together four years and have talked about marriage and children. We're serious about each other. We met at university and fell in love quickly. Recently she told me that she needed a break from the relationship to think things through. It came out of the blue. There were no arguments, no reasons. I was devastated, but I respect her so I let her have her space. It was a tortuous ten days, wondering if it was going to end between us.
When we met up, she said she wanted us to stay together, that she realised how much she loves me. I asked her, and she told me, very honestly, that she needed the break because she'd met somebody, as part of sports group she's involved with, and they just clicked. She says nothing ever happened between them, which I believe, but she found him attractive and it made her wonder if I was the one for her. She asked herself if she should pursue this guy, but then realised she loved me and wanted to be with me. There was probably flirting on both sides, which is natural, but it hurts me to imagine it. And I know she wouldn't have told me about the guy except I asked her. So we stayed together, and as far as she is concerned everything between us is fine, the incident no more than a bump on the road to happiness.
I am in love with her. I want to stay with her. But I can't get this other guy out of my head. Sometimes I'm fine about it and I realise she chose me, although she had the perfect opportunity to leave me and start a new exciting relationship with a smart attractive guy who obviously fancies her. Other times I just want to crawl up in a ball and hide. I want to rewind to a time before she mentioned this other guy. I wish I'd never asked her why she needed the break. I want her to have eyes for me only. At times I think about leaving her, just so she can't leave me. Isn't that ridiculous? I love her, but feel that at any minute she might pick him and leave me.
I know what you're going to say, namely that I have low self-esteem, and that this guy and my girlfriend are not the problem, it's me. You're right. I know that in any relationship one partner can decide to leave at any time, but I'm dealing badly with this. I feel as though she has seen flaws in me and now knows she could have someone better. The thought of her leaving me absolutely breaks my heart. I know I'm being dramatic, but for me there is no-one else in the world I want to share my life with.
Being this pensive isn't really like me. I have asked myself if it's a macho pride thing, a kind of competition with another guy, but I don't think that's it. It's the fear of loss. I told her at first that I was worried about us, and she reassured me that we'd be OK. Now I can't bring it up again because I don't want to push her away and I don't like this feeling of being paranoid. My head is all over the place. I trust her. I know she wouldn't cheat on me. But I'm worried that maybe she just can't bring herself to leave me.
How can I get over this inadequate feeling. I just can't seem to believe that she just loves me, and that's why she's still with me.
Answer
Ease off the pedal of self-criticism. Low self-esteem is not the problem. You've been seriously shaken. Your reaction is entirely legitimate. Think about it.
Your life-partner decided out of the blue that she wanted time out. She suddenly wasn't sure if you were the man for her. You held your cool, managed the pain, and gave her the space. You were truly heroic. Ten days later you met up again and she said yes, after mature consideration, she chose you. Without prompting, she wouldn't have even given an explanation. You asked, and she then explained that she'd met someone else, found they ‘clicked', and she wanted to explore her feelings, see if she should pursue this new relationship, or stick with you. She decided on you. When you expressed some concern, she said the relationship would be fine. And that was it. You shut up.
Back in bed without protest, having been potentially abandoned for another guy, mucks up your head. That's not heroism, that's fear. Both you and your girlfriend are denying the emotional impact of what really happened. She's just unaware. You're silently in bits. Your girlfriend had, of course, the right to voice her need for a break. The mistake you've both made is to pretend it wasn't a big deal. It was. You would not be human if it left you untouched. Your girlfriend dealt a death blow to the unquestioning emotional security you felt up to then. It was down to you to register the true level of your distress. You ran scared. Now you're living in two separate emotional worlds. She's blithely sailing on. You're walking the walls. No real intimacy. Not good for a relationship.
Let me say it again. This was a big deal. Your distress is not a question of low self-esteem. Certainly it's up to you to manage the fall-out. That begins by acknowledging the painful truth that you've lost your innocence about the relationship, lost that unquestioning trust, the certainty of the two of you as a couple. That's nobody's fault. But it is a reality which has to be factored into your relationship – and not just in your own head. Your girlfriend needs to know that she dealt you a severe blow.
No, you're not saying you'd die without her. No, you're not expressing excessive dependency. No, you're not failing to take responsibility for yourself. You're not even asking for her help. And you're not blaming her. You're simply stating the obvious. You're now struggling to find a new footing in the relationship. You are asking for her understanding.
The bottom line? You're not dealing with this badly. You're dealing with it too well. Drop the heroism. Allow yourself your shock and distress. And let your girlfriend know.
