24th May, 2009
Question
I must make clear that I love my husband. But I find him sexually unattractive because of his weight. His belly hangs over his trousers and he won't do anything to help. This is a problem that has been going on for years. I feel very guilty about my lack of sexual interest in him and when I try to discuss it, he gets very defensive, naturally, and accuses me of being shallow.
I love being fit and strive to look my best. And I'm proud of this. I'm ashamed to say that I also feel embarrassed when we go out together. I am not bothered about people being overweight in general and have friends who are fat. But sex is different, and I don't feel that my husband considers me important enough to try and please me.
I have mulled over this time and time again and I am going to have to tell my husband that I cannot go on having sex with him as it has become a chore. He is a lovely man, funny and generous, and I feel responsible and guilty about creating bad feelings between us. But I have to.
Answer
Three things. You are not superficial. Sexual attraction is a powerful force. It's also a sensitive issue, easily disturbed, by anger, by resentment, by anxiety, and by anything that is deemed offensive to our sensibilities such as a heavily-overhanging belly. How people look matters. It's just that different people have different tastes, different levels of tolerance, different values.
Secondly, I wonder if you've clearly stated how you feel to your husband. You speak so much about feeling guilty. You also clearly don't want to create any ill-feeling. My guess is that you raise the issue, and then back down when your husband gets distressed, or accuses you of being superficial. I'm not sure, in short, if your husband realises how serious an issue this is for you.
Thirdly, it is not helpful to see your husband's refusal to lose weight as an act of aggression. He's not staying fat to spite you. It's not about you in that sense. He's hanging onto his belly because it would take him out of his comfort zone to lose the weight. Put simply he prefers eating to having a slim trim figure. Or because he's happy with the way he looks, meaning his standards are different to yours. Or because he lacks the drive involved in self-care. Whichever, it's about him, not about you.
Yes, he's refusing to do as you wish. But I think it would help a lot if you stopped feeling hurt by that, and settled instead for feeling disappointed. Your husband is not measuring up to your standards. You feel that disappointment keenly. That's different than feeling he's lacking in love for you. As the mafia might say, it's nothing personal.
Finally, why would you feel ashamed when you're out with him? You're not responsible for how your husband looks. He is. And you're still married to him because of all his good points, and because you love him. So there is nothing to explain to anyone.
Stop feeling so guilty. If he doesn't turn you on because of lack of personal self-care, then that's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault actually. It's a difference in standards, or taste, or approach to life, which both of you have to live with. Tell him clearly how you feel, not in anger or hurt, but as a simple statement of fact. And then wait and see what happens.
