31st May, 2009
Question
My wife is a very private person, who has never spoken to anybody about our problem - apart from a few counselling sessions - which makes it hard for me to talk to anyone, or even to organise my thoughts.
We are in our late fifties, having married in our mid-twenties. In hindsight, I was very immature and not at all ready for marriage. However, in many ways we have had a good marriage, generally get on well, and are close to our four adult children, all of whom have been quite successful. I have been a reasonably good husband, father and provider. But I had one major weakness, which I managed to keep secret for most of our marriage.
Four years ago my wife discovered that I had been unfaithful on a number of occasions throughout our marriage. She was very hurt, angry and devastated and I am very fortunate that she did not end the marriage. We had lots of discussions and I had many counselling sessions, arising from which I realised how lucky I was to have such a loving and caring wife and family. I changed my lifestyle, at last realised what was important in life, and vowed never to be unfaithful again. Since then we spend lots of time together and take regular holidays, week-end breaks, and nights out together.
My actions have, not unexpectedly, taken their toll on our relationship however. I bitterly regret what I did and recognise the hurt I have caused. I am anxious to move on and spend the rest of our years in harmony. Unfortunately my wife can't let go of the past, despite her best efforts. She tells me she wants our marriage to work, and that she loves me, but not as before. Part of her, and of our relationship, has been destroyed by my selfish actions. She goes over old ground regularly, which I find very uncomfortable. I can't disagree with what she says, but it is not helping us to go forward as a loving and close couple. I fear things will continue as they are, unless she can accept that I have changed, and forgive my past behaviour. Can you please help me to help my wife?
Answer
Hoping to help your wife is not the point. It's not a helpful attitude. Worse, it's entirely the wrong focus. All you can do is handle yourself - that's all any of us can do. In the process, of course, you'll change the dynamic of your relationship with your wife. And if she's prepared to shift at all, she'll then shift. But you won't be helping her, as such. Do you see the difference?
If I may use biblical terms without offending, the sinner cannot help the one sinned against. He can only be sorry for his sins, truly regret his misdeeds, and then wait, with dignity, to see if he is forgiven. He can't force the other person's hand. And he certainly can't help them to move on.
Waiting with dignity does not mean taking emotional abuse indefinitely. That's what you're doing now. Of course your wife needed time to rant and rave and go over the painful ground, again and again. And you needed to stand and take it. Too often, when we hurt someone, we try to dodge the emotional fall-out, fail to acknowledge their grief, move to shut them up - and the hurt lodges in their heart. You didn't do that. You faced up to your deeds, and tried hard to make good. But that phase has its limits. The time span is different for everyone. At some point, however, the episode must be laid to rest.
Your wife is scratching at an old wound. By so doing she's keeping it alive. That's not good for her, let alone for you, or your relationship. It's no longer legitimate anger and has become, instead, an entrenched form of emotional bullying. You can't, of course, change her attitude. You can stop participating. That doesn't mean storming out in anger when she starts. It does mean saying, quietly, that you love her, have tried your best to make good, and feel you've done your sentence - and then leave the scene.
It's worth repeating, I think. Doing something wrong, and truly repenting, does entail living with the consequences. It doesn't mean living without dignity. If your wife truly can't forgive and forget, then you both need to face up to that, and decide how to proceed.
