14th June, 2009
Question
I am married 30 years and for the last 8 years I live with a husband who has no interest in anything. He had a nervous breakdown around that time, was suicidal, and tried to take his own life. He hasn't worked since. Worse, he hasn't done anything to help himself mentally either. I work, and do all the things required to run a house, without any help from him. Our three children are grown up and have left home.
I cannot challenge my husband, or ask him to go to counselling. I have got the best professional help for him, but he refuses to attend. It's like I'm beating him up if I try to insist, or question his decision. He says it is his right that I look after him, since he's not able to work at the moment - 8 years! He eats, sleeps, watches soccer, is very with-it, but doesn't socialise, and wants to be left alone. I get nothing in return from him.
I have wasted ten years trying to help him. I know I have to get on with my own life, but how do I do that when I'm married to him? I have been asked out on occasion, but refuse because I would feel guilty if I did, feel it would not be the right thing to do. I am so fed up with this. Is it wrong to want more? I don't even know what I want, it's as though I've become conditioned to it all.
Answer
If you mean that you've been asked out on a date, then yes, it's not the best first step towards some kind of freedom. But if you mean you're on some kind of total-care trip, going out only to work, then it's time you took a long look at yourself. Putting it bluntly, nobody can be on permanent suicide watch.
It's time, too, that you had a serious discussion with your doctor, or with whatever professional is competent to give an assessment of your husband's state of mind. You see it's not about you getting your husband ‘fixed'. He has to do that. It's about you getting help in understanding any risks involved in taking a stand. And take some kind of stand you must. At the moment you're being blackmailed by your husband's past breakdown. That is not acceptable. And no, that is not your husband's fault. It is your responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen. It is your own internal voice that has you pinned down.
I cannot, of course, make any kind of diagnosis. But ask yourself some sane questions. Would your husband starve if you didn't cook? Or if you didn't do the shopping? Would he become infested with lice if you stopped doing his washing, cleaning his bedroom, getting his clothes cleaned? If he's happy watching television but doesn't want to socialise, can't you go out and have a vibrant social life of your own? I mean, he wants to be left alone, socially at least, so what's wrong with doing that? I'm not saying you should do any of these things. I'm suggesting you ask yourself those kind of questions.
Why can you not challenge him? I'm taking from your letter that he's left the marital bed, refuses to be a companion to you, let alone an intimate loving friend. He's ended his marriage. Hasn't he? Yes, I understand that it could be because of his mental state. But he's refusing to do anything about that isn't he? That's not mental illness. That's a choice. Yes, it could be mentally and emotionally painful for him to try and put his life back together again. But that's what professional help is all about, helping a person who is vulnerable to become a loving caring and involved human being again.
Negotiating the waters of a partner's depression is difficult. And no two cases are the same. But like you said, you've become conditioned to delivering a package of total care. Breaking out of that conditioning, however, is always down to ourselves. You have to work out what's trapping you - fear of suicide, possible criticism from people close to you like family or friends, the love you may still feel for your husband, or your own expectations of yourself . And then take a fresh look.
No, it's not wrong to want more. On the contrary, we all have a duty to feed ourselves emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Get whatever help you need to achieve just that.
