12th July, 2009
Question
I am feeling very unsettled after 25 years of marriage. I recently had sex with a younger, good-looking man and it was so different and exciting. It was nothing like anything I ever had with my husband. I'd had fantasies over the years of being with someone else in bed, because my marriage has been so dull and boring. We have sex about once a month, and I ask myself is this it, for life. My husband and I have talked about it, but in the end it all makes no difference.
I feel that security is the only reason I've stayed in my marriage. And I don't want any confrontation. Any advice?
Answer
What answer can I give to someone who doesn't want to leave their comfort zone? That makes change impossible. And that's why you see your marriage as dull and boring, why your talks with your husband have come to nothing. You wish to live in unreality, in a place where magic wands bring about change without any cost. You want someone to deliver an exciting life without disturbing your thoughts, attitudes, behaviour, life-style, economic situation, social status, or even your sleep. That's the reason for the sex with a younger lover. It was simply living out the fantasy of change without cost.
Why, do you think, did you fantasise for years about sex with someone else? Why didn't you use your fantasies to light up your marriage bed? Why the passivity? How did you learn to expect happiness to be handed to you? Why do you think it is possible? An illicit lover allowed you transient excitement. How do you reckon this will pan out? Do you think he – or someone like him – can transport you permanently into perfect happiness? Without the effort of even packing your bags, let alone settling your contractual affairs with your husband, not to even mention the fall-out from a failed marriage?
Start taking responsibility for yourself. That begins with humbly counting your blessings, clearly seeing the patchy parts of your life, and working out an adult solution. Pain, in short, is the only answer. It's the gateway to enlightenment. And enlightenment is not possible without confrontation, most particularly with ourselves.
