15th February, 2009
Question
I feel distraught. Having been very close to me, my son now sees me only occasionally and only after a great deal of effort on my part 'to make an appointment'. Even worse, I am invited to visit only when his wife is not at home. It feels like the end of the road.
The problems started after his marriage to his long term partner, whom I liked, but whom I now think didn't feel the same about me. I found her an attractive and talented person and was pleased that my son had a wife whom he loved. With hindsight, I wonder if she is perhaps a bit controlling, wanting to be in charge of my son and his life.
If my son said it was too difficult to meet up, as he so often did, I would say that I understood. But I soon began to find my relationship with him very strange, with me making all the moves to keep in touch, always expected to do the four-hour round trip to meet up, and generally fit in with his tight schedule. Whenever I complained, I was treated coolly.
Two years ago they were at my house for Easter, I became upset and tearful, and decided I needed to try and sort things out with my son. He said we should all sit down and talk about it together. Unfortunately I was so naïve I went along with this, instead of asking to talk to him alone, because the problem was to do with him and me.
To cut it short, my daughter-in-law took control, said I was manipulative and aggressive, and basically said she didn't want to be in the same place as me. She didn't talk to me again until relatively recently. By contrast, my son was much more the loving normal son I had known, meeting me on his own about once a month for a meal, and phoning fairly regularly. I did write twice to my daughter-in-law saying how sorry I was about what had happened. I heard nothing back.
Nine months ago they had a baby son. I was allowed to visit on two occasions, when her family were also present, but my daughter-in-law was just civil. Since then I've only been over to see my son and grandson four times, occasions chosen by my daughter-in-law when she planned to be out. I enjoyed being with them, but feel like a leper, the baddie in the picture, there solely on sufferance. This Christmas, my grandson's first, I was 'allowed' one afternoon, ten days before Christmas.
I love seeing my dear son, but I cannot cope. I am always so unhappy after a visit, knowing that I may not hear from him again for weeks, missing all the little milestones in my grandson's life. Sometimes I think that the only solution is to go far away. I am tired of having my feelings treated as irrelevant. The misery and tears and depression after a visit, and the sleepless nights, make me wonder whether it might not be better to cut myself off entirely. I know people might think me heartless, but the opposite is true. It is too painful. It doesn't help that my husband and I separated many years ago and I know my son has regular contact with him.
What can I do to manage the pain? How do I withdraw from my son's life in a way that doesn't shut the door completely?
Answer
One thing is clear - and you've said it yourself. This is between you and your son. Your daughter-in-law may have an agenda of her own. Or perhaps, very unwisely, she's fighting your son's battles for him. Either way, this is all about you and him.
Let's cut to the chase. You're right. Things changed when your son got married. Bluntly speaking, he was content to be less available to you - be it emotionally or physically, than you wished him to be. Maybe you upped the ante when he married, desiring a greater role in his life. Or maybe his priorities changed and he had less time for you than in his bachelor days. It doesn't matter about the detail. The problem is you didn't settle for what was on offer.
You can see what happened then. You fought desperately. He wended and weaved, dodged basically, and now treats you as a weary duty. You're right about that too. It's an impossible position to be in. The answer, however, is not to ditch your son. It's about regaining your dignity. Doing so is entirely down to you.
You do not feel dreadful because your son is absent from your life. You feel dreadful because of the nature of his presence in your life.
You can change that, which is the good news. The difficult news is that you have to take responsibility for the situation. Said differently, your happiness is in your hands.
You did a good job rearing your son. Back off now. Stop expending energy on unrealistic expectations. You have some serious catching up to do in terms of building a life for yourself. Get going.
