15th February, 2009
Question
My son is 36 and single. I have four other children. He was a great baby. But he wasn't just a terrible 3, the tantrums went way above the norm. Teachers said he was very intelligent, but he was an under-achiever and unfortunately adopted the role of class clown. He got suspended several times - even from primary school.
By the time he was 20, his violent behaviour became manifest. He was alternatively affectionate and aggressive towards his two sisters, broke several items of furniture, even smashed the lawn-mower. He'd spit at me in rage, calling me all the names under the sun. He went to college, tried several courses, and finally dropped out.
My husband died 12 years ago and that's when the trouble really started. My son wasn't happy with the way I dealt with what he called his inheritance. He was living at home and became so violent that I moved in with one of my daughters for a while. I finally bought him a large apartment close by. He got a low-grade steady job but took so many days off that he was threatened with dismissal if he didn't get treatment. He was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, put on medication, and seemed to settle down.
He'd call in for a chat and a cup of coffee every day and there was no more hassle. A year ago I sold up the family home as the house was far too big, and moved to the city. Selling the house raised the whole issue of inheritance again and my son was disappointed.
I now feel I have abandoned him. Even though we had a very poor relationship, I know he needed me. Every day I get up I worry about him. He doesn't communicate with me at all. It kills me that he doesn't call me. I visited a couple of times, but he wouldn't even open the door. There were times when he brought us great joy. And he is most generous and good-natured. I'm 80 - not wallowing - and I'd dearly love peace of mind.
Answer
No, you don't want peace of mind. You want things to be different, which is not the same thing at all. And I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.
Even the most detailed deconstruction of the past would probably fail to find out what went wrong with your son. Forget it. The fact is, his life turned out differently than you would have hoped - than any parent would have hoped. It happens. Acknowledging that is sad, certainly. But it's very different from saying that your son needs you. If he needed you, he'd be in contact. Or rather, it's his choice. Maybe he does wish he was in touch. The point is, he's making sure it doesn't happen. If that means he's shooting himself in the foot, then so be it. He's a big boy.
You could look at this differently. You had a son who was so violent you had to move out for a while. You were afraid of him. Now he chooses not to bother you. Couldn't that be seen as a good outcome? You've been able to make him financially secure in terms of a home. He has a job. He's in contact, at some level anyway, with psychiatric help. He's safe, and out of your hair. How bad can that be?
Yes, I know, things were peaceful for a while, you moved, and now you feel guilty because your son retreated. But you made your choice, for very good reasons. Why can't he make his choice? And is it automatically a bad one? Maybe he's withdrawn for a good reason, however unconsciously. Maybe he prefers retreat to continued bad behaviour.
Some situations cannot be mended. They can only be bandaged, as best we can. Peace comes from accepting that.
