20th January 2008
Question
I am a single independent professional in my early forties. I was very fortunate to begin a relationship with a man in his late '50's two years ago and we now live together in my apartment. Our relationship, however, has started to unravel, slowly but surely.
He lived with someone else for ten years. The relationship finished many years ago and she now lives abroad. However, he has visited her on numerous occasions since he and I became a couple, but never invited me along. This has caused me much upset and heartbreak. I challenge him each time he takes the trip and each time he get really angry and shouts that I am selfish and obsessed with his past. I, for my part, have tried to explain that what he's doing is hurtful and undermines us.
When I ask why this relationship with his ex has to be so secretive and non-inclusive if they are only friends, he replies that he is loyal to his ex, that she has minor health problems, and that he's not going to abandon her. His position is that we've all got a past, and should accept this in each other. Recently I discovered that he often phones her, and I have to presume that this has been happening since we met.
Am I right in assuming that his primary relationship is with his ex, and for some reason they just can't be together, or can't handle living apart?
I can't carry on living like this. I find it hard to associate the man I know, love and live with every day with the person who chooses to continue to hurt me. What am I to do? I want an open, loving, honest relationship and still hope to marry one day. Should I give up my dreams, and just hope that things will improve? Or should I ask him to leave?
Answer
Hold on a minute. This man isn't continuing to see his ex in order to hurt you. He's doing it because he wants to. And yes, he's prepared to stick to his guns, even if it hurts you, which it clearly does. But hurting you is not his intention. It's a by-product of his determination to do as he sees fit.
This is an important distinction. If you think he's deliberately abusing your feelings, then there's no case to be put, no question to be answered. He has to go. Someone who hurts deliberately, is either being a bully, or using abuse as a means to get out. Either way, it makes you a victim. To rescue yourself from that victim status, you would have to end it. I don't think that's the case here - not clearly anyway.
It would be very different if you said to me that this man is offering you a deal you don't like. Put like that, you're not a victim. There's a choice you have to make. All you're doing in that scenario is wondering what I think. And you know I can't answer that question - except to say that we all make compromises in our lives. And yes, the older we get, the more compromises we're likely to encounter when we get together with someone else. He'll have ex-wives, children, ex-in-laws, friends from former times, other lovers, family who knew him in his former existence.
On the other hand, you could ask me how I think the two of you are handling this. You both sound very defensive. You're convinced he's out to hurt you. He's being dogmatic. Neither of you are listening. Both of you are retreating into your corners, feeling angry and threatened, after each argument. It's that lack of communication, rather than the actual problem itself, which is threatening your togetherness.
Wouldn't it be fascinating to find out how your partner really feels about his ex? Many divorced men still feel responsible for their wives. And they certainly still look after their children, even when they are grown up, sometimes to the effective exclusion of their new wives. So I'm not saying your partner's behaviour is extraordinary. I do think it might be a little excessive.
The real problem is that his behaviour seems written in stone, and somewhat secretive. And that could be partially because you don't accept it. Driven underground, behaviour can, indeed, very quickly become excessive, or at the very least, feel threatening to a partner. He's also obviously not good at gentle discourse. He's not good at explaining himself. He just settles for making rather bald statements. None of that is conducive to conversation. And without conversation, you'll never know where your really stand.
Drop the feelings of hurt and anger and betrayal. Certainly drop the jealousy. Try instead to get your partner to explain what's going on. Try, in other words, to find out what he's really feeling. Is it guilt because he left his ex? Does he feel he owes her a debt of gratitude for rescuing him somewhere in the past, irrespective of who actually ended it? Instead of actively digging for his feelings, ask about the relationship, and build up a picture for yourself.
To do this, of course, you have to respect your partner, believe in his basic integrity, and trust your own worth. Thinking he's out to get you denies all of that. Being a victim never works.
