30th November, 2008
Question
I have fallen out with a neighbour. We both have two sons and used to be on very friendly terms.
Her eldest boy has been bullying my youngest son for years. It started when my little fellow was only four, and my neighbour's son was 8 years old. At the beginning it wasn't bad, partially because I kept my son away from this older boy, and supervised him as much as I could when their paths did cross. And obviously this was easier when he was young. Things came to a head only recently.
My son, now aged 9, came home crying from school, having been targeted not just by the bullying boy next door, but by a gang of his friends too. To make matters worse, my neighbour's younger son, who is also 9, took part too. I spoke to my neighbour in a friendly tone, saying that while I didn't know who started it, there had been some fighting and I wanted to let her know.
All hell broke loose, with my neighbour accusing me of telling outrageous lies. And since then she herself has been hassling my son. She glares at him continuously when he's playing sports, whispers with her sons when he passes by, sniggers when he is within earshot. I also know that she had been bad-mouthing my son and the rest of my family to other neighbours.
My husband and I now ignore her, but she is undoubtedly doing damage and I am concerned in particular about the effect it may have on my son. Reasoning with her is out of the question. She clearly believes that her sons are angels and mine are demons. I'm at a loss.
Answer
Problems with neighbours can quickly seem so far-reaching that they appear intractable, unmanageable, beyond our capacity to cope. It's important to stay focussed. Otherwise you despair.
As you rightly said, your son is your main concern. More precisely, it's vital that he doesn't become a victim. And although it may not seem that way, you've already taken an important step in that direction. You challenged your neighbour about bullying that had been going on for years. No, I'm not implying you should have done it earlier. You made a judgment call that you could protect your son, without creating a scene. That's fine. The point is, you made a move when you had to.
Bullying doesn't just involve the bullies themselves. The victim plays a subtle but vital role too. He may have no choice. But he is a participant. By facing down your neighbour, however tactfully, you sent a clear message to your son that the neighbour's boys – and their accomplices – were seriously out of line. You taught him that the fault lay with them, not him. And you taught him to stand up for himself. I know it's not pleasant. But bullying happens just about everywhere. It was something your son needed to learn.
From the sounds of it, the lesson is on-going, since your neighbour is behaving badly. What your son needs to hear is that she's being a bully, just like her sons, albeit using different tactics. Perhaps you can reflect with him that maybe your neighbour thought your family were a soft touch because you tried to avoid trouble in the early days. Certainly you can tell him that being civilised sometimes leads people to think you're soft. This is not a lesson in retaliation. It's about the certainty of who is right and who is wrong.
You can't stop some stroppy woman giggling on the sidelines of a sports-field. Nor can you stop her talking to neighbours silly enough to listen. You can, and should, ask your son what he feels he needs in order to feel confident and calm in the face of this, and other potential bullying scenes. Would he like to do some martial art training, not to fight, but to carry himself with confidence? Or does he simply need permission to use sharp language which will show he's not to be messed with? What self-defence strategy would he feel comfortable with?
Like I said, you've already done the right thing. You stood up to your neighbour, which meant standing up for your son. You're still doing that. You're not actually at a loss. You're teaching your son the most important lesson of all, namely a proper sense of self-worth.
