13th December, 2009
Question
I finished college this summer. It proved to be a lonely time, although I did get my degree. During the final months of my course a very beautiful girl from the same college joined Facebook and became my friend. Shortly after she joined, she wrote an update on herself, saying that she'd just been prescribed anti-depressant medication and was feeling very happy. I immediately rowed in with my concern for her, and spelled out all I knew about battling depression. Of course I did this because she was beautiful. But it's fair to say I would have done it no matter who it was. Facebook is for happy mortals, it seems, so surprise alone would have moved me to intervene.
Anyway, we did some tick-tacking on the subject and a while later we actually met up. It was very nice, but I already felt that nothing lasting could come of it. After a couple of short meetings, I also got the impression of diminishing interest from her too. She lives abroad, college finished, she went home, and we kept up a correspondence. The tone was jokey, anecdotal, sympathetic about boring travails, and mildly flirtatious. E-mails are obviously the wrong way to go about this type of thing. Things to say keep springing up, sympathy is easy, although not insincere, but the person isn't actually there.
Imagine my surprise when she brought up the topic of marriage. She is stunner, and terribly cautious with men because of it. Of course I couldn't credit it - her talking to me about marriage I mean, which I now seriously regret. Instead I hummed and hawed and said we should wait until she came back to Ireland, to continue her studies. I also managed to say I didn't think marriage was on the cards, but did convince her of my basic good intent. And of course I do understand that she doesn't just want to hop into bed with me.
When she got back, she told me about her thoughts of suicide. I understood that it wasn't an immediate prospect, so I said I wouldn't call the cops. But it's still a little too much for her to bear alone. She is not remotely sentimental, or flippant, which leaves me aware that she didn't say it lightly. I can't tell the parents. I want to do the right thing, and am worried.
Answer
One of the fairy-tales professionals are tempted to tell, is that they can somehow prevent someone committing suicide. Of course we have to try, with medication, hospitalisation, intensive psychotherapy, family counselling, brain-storming at case conferences, social worker outreach strategies, the lot. You can't, of course - prevent suicide I mean - short of locking people in a secure cell, and force-feeding if they decide to starve themselves to death. I'm sorry if that sounds shocking, or harsh, or heartless. It's just important to see the bottom line. You have a troubled woman on your hands. You cannot be her saviour. Nobody can save us if we don't want to save ourselves.
There's also something else. Professionals have the protection of their role, the setting they work in, the emotional limits they have learned to set as part of becoming a psychotherapist, or psychiatrist, or counsellor. Someone out there like yourself has to set his own limits. It's called self-preservation, and it is imperative. You cannot be a good friend if you don't have proper psychological boundaries - which in layman's terms means recognising when it's not your problem. That doesn't mean we turn our back on someone who is low. It does mean recognising, and indeed embracing, our own limitations. You can't go to the wall for this young woman. You shouldn't even try.
Assessing the risk of potential suicide is ultimately a judgment call. It's certainly not a precise science. I can't give you a satisfactory check-list. Nor can I answer the ethical question of whether or not to call the parents. I'd like to say trust your instincts, but you're standing on shifting sands. The desire to rescue a beautiful woman is the stuff of Greek tragedy, and runs deep in a man's psyche. It clouds his judgment. If you're not careful, this woman's troubles could become the language of your relationship, the reason the two of you are together, which would leave you both sadly stuck.
You are a kind, intelligent and compassionate man. Don't sell yourself short by getting hooked on the role of rescuer. Your friend is obviously also intelligent and sensitive. Be supportive, do whatever you judge is necessary to encourage her to seek help, but be watchful about cementing her in the role of victim. I know you would never do so wittingly. I am not being insulting. I am trying to impart some wisdom. I owe you that, because you asked.
