13th January, 2008
Question
I'm at the stage in my life when many of my friends are settling down. I feel pathetic, but honestly, I'm a bit jealous. I'm very glad that they have found happiness and contentment, but I do something wish I had someone. I've had a few relationships, but I've never been in love.
One of my close friends is also still single, so we now spend a lot of time together. She's a few years older than I am and, unfortunately, she's had worse luck with men than I have. I feel she's basically given up hope of ever finding a nice guy. I worry that her negativity will rub off on me. Then I feel shallow and stupid to consider sacrificing a friendship because I don't want to end up on my own.
I'm moving out of my current home in a few months and she wants us to share a flat. That would be fine in theory, but I'm worried that we'll just end up sitting in every evening bitching about the lack of good men.
My last relationship was with a really lovely guy. However, my friend was quite down at the time. Looking back, I realise she was really quite demanding in terms of the amount of time she wanted me to spend with her. And she made me feel guilty if I was seeing my boyfriend too much, behaving as though she was excluded.
Am I being cruel and putting too much blame on her? At worst she is very self-involved, but she is also kind and loyal.
Answer
You are not being cruel. You are a kind and sensitive human being who is simply seeking the truth.
Let's be clear about one thing. The conflict lies within you. Your friend may have looked for your company while you were dating your last boyfriend. She didn't make you feel guilty. Nobody makes us feel guilty. You felt guilty yourself.
Friends are important. They are part of the rich emotional tapestry of our lives. They are also around longer than a lot of our romantic involvements. In fact they are sometimes around longer than our husbands or wives. They matter to us.
Everyone has to balance their time, resolve the inevitable conflict involved in having various commitments - to friends, to the job, to the family, to a new romance. When we feel we're on reasonably firm ground, we're not afraid to temporarily shift the emphasis, put the friends somewhat on hold, while we explore the possibilities of a new romance.
When we feel vulnerable, however, we worry about being abandoned. That's what happened to you. You say you felt guilty about your friend. That's fine, it's the way it feels. In reality you were scared, scared that you'd lose her, then lose the boyfriend, and end up alone. You've told me that yourself. Look back at your letter.
You don't need an insurance policy. You don't need to be afraid. To conquer that fear, however, you have to face up to the issue of self-esteem, or rather your lack of it. Self-esteem is about believing you can live a good and fulfilling life. It's also about believing that people aren't going to disappear on you just because you shift your attention for a while. And that, by the way, applies to boyfriends as much as to friends. Check out what's hindering your self-confidence.
I don't think you should share a flat with your friend. That doesn't mean ditching the friendship. It's an act of faith in yourself. You're only considering sharing as part of that insurance policy, because you're scared. The wise part of you knows that. Act on that wisdom. Move into your own flat. Be friendly with your friend. And deal with that lack of self-confidence of yours.
