29th November, 2009
Question
I'm a 27 year old who had an abortion recently. I met the father, who is several years younger, a few months ago when we were both working in Dublin. He seemed really nice, but it was pretty much only sex that he wanted me for. He then moved with his job to the country, I was offered a post-graduate course reasonably near-by and decided to take it. At that point I realised I was pregnant and got very panicked. I told him about it and he too sounded panicked. I used to call him a lot as I didn't know what to do. I very much wanted to succeed in my chosen career, which involved a very heavy study load. I decided to go to London for an abortion. I let the father know, and he said it was up to me, that he would be happy with whatever decision I made.
I have since had the abortion and am struggling to get on with life. I often called the father in a bad mood and feel that he was not very supportive with the whole ordeal. I don't think he wants to communicate with me anymore, and feel sure he asks his flat-mates to say he's not in. I am broken inside and feel very hurt, as I was really only protecting him because of his youth and his future career. How can I get over this? I have made a huge mistake and take full responsibility for my rubbish behaviour towards the father and my rubbish behaviour over-all. Please help me.
Answer
You are in a dreadfully lonely place right now and I strongly suggest you ease that loneliness by seeking help. Check out your college counsellor, or ring around the specialist agencies listed in the phone-book, or talk to your doctor, or any doctor. A medical check-up wouldn't be a bad idea anyway. Post-abortion counselling is a solidly-based specialist service. Everyone understands the need for it. It's not necessary that you struggle alone with this. So don't.
You can forget the father. He was irresponsible, having sex without worrying about contraception. He was even more irresponsible by blithely saying he'd be happy with whatever decision you made, and then leaving you alone to get on with it. Of course the abortion made it easier for him. He could have faced a paternity suit and life-long maintenance. But worst of all, he had sex without due concern for your emotions. He was carelessly amusing himself. The kindest thing we can say is that he has a long journey to take before he becomes a decent human being.
Don't waste your precious energy thinking about him. He's not worth it. You are. The abortion was a traumatic experience. I think it's also clear you were in emotional trouble before the pregnancy even happened. You were not taking care of yourself. And I don't just mean in terms of contraception. From the sounds of it, you were trying to build a relationship on the shifting sands of a young man who had no sense of commitment towards you. Your behaviour was not 'rubbish' as you put it. It was a desperate bid for some kind of connectedness. Despite the fact that you're obviously bright, and have clear career objectives, you were emotionally adrift, and trying hard to find an anchor. Such lack of emotional anchorage lies in damage done to us in early years. So what happened you? Where does your obvious low self-esteem stem from? When the pain of the abortion has eased, those are the questions you need to check out.
