12th October 2008
Question
I recently started going out with a guy and he is a wonderful person. I should be so happy that I have been lucky enough to find somebody like him. Instead I'm having doubts about our relationship, not because I don't like this guy, but because I keep comparing him to my ex. And that relationship broke up badly last year. I suppose I'm not really over my ex and I wish to God I was so that I could move on.
My new boyfriend is the complete opposite of my ex. He is a sweet, caring man and is always complementing me. But I seem to grow impatient when he says nice things because they sound cheesy. I suppose I don't believe them as all guys say these things. Anyway, I almost never say anything nice back to my boyfriend, That's sometimes because I don't feel the same way about him and sometimes because I'm not the kind of person who expresses emotions easily.
In general I feel he is moving too fast and becoming too attached too soon. He's already planning ahead for holidays and things and I'm not ready for that. I just want to take things slowly. When I tell him this, I feel like a horrible person because he says he's just being himself. And it hurts him when I tell him not to be so nice to me. I feel I have the upper hand in the relationship as he would do anything for me.
Am I a cold-hearted cow who refuses to be liked? What's my problem? Why do I refuse to believe complements? Am I the kind of woman who is only interested in a relationship where the guy is more emotionally restrained than me? After I broke up with my ex, I refused to enter any relationship and just used guys the way I know they'd use me, if they had the chance. I was mean. On paper, my new relationship should be perfect. And I really want it to work. I really like this guy. But something is stopping me from allowing it to happen. This is seriously turning me into a crazy person. What's going on?
Answer
Having a guy who starves you emotionally makes you feel comfortable. Deep down, you think you deserve to be treated badly – or at least carelessly. No, it doesn't make you happy. Feeling comfortable and feeling happy are two entirely different things.
We all know that low self-esteem means low expectations. Harder to grasp is the sad truth that low self-esteem makes us insist on being treated badly. When we don't think much of ourselves, we actively avoid people who want to treat us properly. And that's particularly true when it comes to boyfriends. You don't think you deserve this new guy. You don't like the way he's into you. You shudder when he says something nice.
It's even worse than that. You don't trust him because he pays you complements. You think he's handing you a line, like all the fellows do, you tell me. But all the fellows don't. That's the whole point. Your ex didn't. And you felt comfortable with him. In fact you think you're still in mourning for him and your lost relationship.
You're not. This isn't a question of being 'over' your ex. It has nothing to do with your previous boyfriend. It has nothing to do with your current boyfriend either. It has everything to do with you.
Somewhere along the line, you learned you weren't worth much. Let's put it differently. You certainly didn't grow up thinking of yourself as a princess. Or even Cinderella. Prince Charming has been hanging around for quite a while now and he's a headache for you rather than a hero. You do not think you're worth it. And there's something more.
When we feel bad about ourselves, we allow others to be emotionally bully us. Indeed we invite it. Remember, bullying isn't just about doing something to someone. It is also very much about withholding. An emotional bully avoids saying anything positive, omits to be kind, ignores appeals for praise, refuses to listen to the emotional messages we try to send.
The awful thing is, when we get the chance, we do exactly the same to someone else. Low self-esteem doesn't just make us victims. It makes us perpetrators too. Look at what you did to those lads after your break-up. Look at what you're doing to this new boyfriend. If you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else.
No, I'm not saying this is the man for you. I can't possibly know that. I do know he's not your problem. Go get some help with that poor image you have of yourself. Now.
