13th July, 2008
Question
I have sex with men in the hope that they'll like me, fall in love with me, and want to marry me. I absolutely know how incredibly stupid this is, but sadly it's the truth. I know it's a pattern of behaviour that makes me feel bad about myself, makes me hate myself, and makes me feel ashamed and insecure. But I still do it. I seem to lurch from one disastrous relationship to another - if you could even call them relationships.
I suppose that I think sleeping with someone will make me feel secure, like someone wants me and finds me attractive - at least while we're together. So I go from one man to another where I feel cheap and used. I suppose I think I'm too worthless to actually deserve to be in a full relationship. Even when it becomes clear that I'm only being used for sex, such as when a 'boyfriend' only calls me in the middle of the night, but never wants to spend time with me otherwise, I go along with it. Even when I know they don't want to be seen with me in public, when they lie to me, and I know it's happening, I choose to pretend it's not so.
I know I sound sorry for myself. I know my problems are caused by my own stupidity. I just don't want to be stuck in this rut forever.
Answer
It's sobering, isn't it, that knowledge and insight can so miserably fail to stop us doing damaging things. You see that you're engaged in behaviour which is bad for you. You understand that it's your low self-esteem which drives you. You know, too, that you need to stop. But you don't. That's because human behaviour is not just governed by our intellect. It is driven by the powerful demands of emotion.
Perhaps even more importantly, we're programmed in early childhood to behave - to think, feel and experience the world - in a particular way. Or if you don't like that notion - not least because it smacks of victim-hood, and denies the enormity of human ingenuity and endeavour - we choose methods of psychological survival when we're small, in order to feel safe. A simple example: A young child is totally dependent for his very survival on his mother. Isn't it better, then, for him to feel he's bad, or deserving of punishment, rather than to acknowledge that his mother might be mistaken, arbitrary in her behaviour, unreliable, or even seriously malicious towards him?
Put plainly, you've learned to punish yourself, as a means of self-preservation, even if we've no idea right now why that should be so. And currently you're continuing to beat yourself up by entering abusive sexual relationships. You're not stupid. You're dancing to an old tune.
Change feels very chancy. Your instincts all tell you to stick with the way you are, despite the fact that your mind says you're stupid. Which is why all therapy involves an act of faith. If, as a therapist, I help anyone heal, it's because I've managed to create conditions for them to literally jump off the end of a cliff - and trust that they will survive. And that jump, that leap of faith, is about believing that you're worth more, and that it is psychologically safe to do things differently.
You'll change only when you're prepared to leave the comfort zone of familiarity, which is about self-abuse, and enter the uncharted waters of treating yourself with respect. Would you consider getting the help you need to take that leap of faith?
