8th June, 2008
Question
My husband and I have been married nearly 30 years. I have always worked outside the home, but my husband was made redundant early on in our marriage. We agreed he'd stay at home, while I continued with my career, a decision I was happy with. A few years ago he was diagnosed with a chronic degenerative disease.
My problem stems from his seemingly careless attitude towards the possessions I have worked so hard for. The examples are too numerous to mention, but involve things like pushing doors open so hard that they slam against furniture and damage it.
I know some of his clumsiness comes from his physical condition. But much of it comes from what appears to me to be total disregard for my labours, and total dismissal of my desire to have decent things in our home.
I have passed comments to him on the subject. He is emotionally a very sensitive and caring person, and I often think that he doesn't even realise that he does the things he does. When I call his attention to them, he says that everything is always his fault.
I just don't know how to approach the subject anymore. I don't seem to be able to explain to my husband how hard I've worked for all these years so that we can have nice things. Certainly anything I say only changes things for a couple of days. And then we're back to square one.
Answer
Your problem is not the damaged furniture. It's your belief that your husband does the damage deliberately. What hurts you is not the broken vase, or scratched leather sofa, or stained carpet. What hurts is the disrespect, lack of due regard, dismissive attitude towards you, which you believe lies behind your husband's behaviour.
But does it? Your husband has a degenerative disease, which, you explain, can make him clumsy. And yes, if he puts his mind to it, it seems he can avoid some of the incidents for a few days. But maybe he doesn't go back to bashing things up. Maybe that kind of concentration is something he can only sustain for so long. Could you ask his doctor?
Or yes, perhaps your husband does bear you ill-will, and instead of airing his true grievances, he damages the furniture instead. That then makes you two angry people, both of whom are dealing in household furniture, rather than directing your attention to the real issue, which is your unhappiness. Even more importantly, it makes you two people, each of whom is blaming the other for your distress, rather than taking personal responsibility for whatever makes you sad and dissatisfied and despairing.
Can I tell you a story? If it drives you demented, think of me for a moment as an Indian guru or Chinese philosopher, or whoever hides wisdom in whacky tales, because I'm truly trying to tell you something very important.
For years I had a cat called Chester, who invariably scurried across my path wherever I walked, or stood right where I needed to stand, like at the kitchen sink or in front of the cooker, or parked himself on one of the treads of our rather dark stairs. Despite being the most impatient and irritable human being ever to set foot on this planet - well that's the way I was then - I never even felt annoyed with him. I didn't take it personally. That cat was just being himself. He bore me no ill-will. The several falls I had, one of them quite nasty, were not caused intentionally. I kept him until he died of old age.
That stupid cat stays in my memory because, unknown to me then, I wasn't just learning what it's like to be patient. I was taking my first tentative steps in owning my own frustration and unhappiness. Pathetic, I know, but in refraining from kicking Chester, metaphorically speaking, I started the slow and painful process of seeing happiness as my personal responsibility.
To say it in shorthand: Your husband may not be able to help what's happening. Or he may be doing the damage deliberately. Either way, that's about him. You've to rescue yourself. That may involve trying to discuss with him better ways of venting his distress. Or it could be a question of accepting that he can't help what's happening.
Your life is hard. Would you start being nice to yourself? Spend money on a spa, or a holiday, or help in the home? Feed yourself, spiritually, emotionally and physically. Because maybe this is as good as it gets. So perhaps it's time to shift your sense of comfort away from furniture which can get damaged and into your own internal self, which cannot, unless you allow it. Take care.
