22nd March, 2009
Question
I've been seeing a guy, recently divorced and with young children, for over a year now. At first we saw each other all the time. He was smitten, probably on the rebound, and in need of some TLC. We live within a few miles of each other.
Now he has his children effectively every second day/evening and overnight every second weekend. During this time he never texts or calls me and we see each other only about three nights out of every fortnight. When we do he is nice and we get on well. But it's not enough. I feel as if I'm some dirty secret, a mistress of sorts! We do go out socially, including with some of his friends, but neither his kids nor his family know that I exist, although his ex-wife does. I am so hurt by all this, especially as I was there for him when he was going through his divorce.
I have begun to realise that he doesn't really care about me. He likes me, but if I disappeared tomorrow I don't think he'd even notice. I feel worthless and used. There is no sense of occasion with him, not at Christmas, on my birthday, or even Valentine's Day. At best I'll get a text. I'm not looking for an expensive present. A bar of chocolate would do really.
I have had my fair share of relationships, each one beginning with the man in question being totally besotted, but invariably ending with them leaving. I don't understand why. None of them ever said. They just got bored or something. I'm 43, independent and attractive, and people think I'm so confident, self-assured, focussed and successful. And I am, up to a point, but I have had to be all those things because I never had anyone to depend on for help or support. I have had to be strong to survive.
The truth is nobody has ever loved me. I feel that I need to know why. I want respect more than anything, but I also want love. A friend once asked if the guy I was going out with at the time was good to me, wondered if he did nice things for me. Well, my current guy doesn't. I'm not looking for expensive stuff. He's strapped for cash and barely making ends meet. But I would be so happy with the smallest effort. I feel I give a lot and deserve a little in return. I know he's going through a rough time being separated from his kids, but I can't keep giving and waiting. He said recently that his divorce hadn't changed anything for him. I thought to myself that it hadn't changed anything for me either. I had hoped that once his divorce came through we could start to live a little, but I think it's worse now.
I would love to leave, to go away and start somewhere afresh. Sometimes I think that I will die here alone. My married friends make me feel like an oddity. My married sisters and brothers do the same. I'm just an old maid, with nothing to do and nobody to do it with - a reliable baby-sitter at best. I think about my future with no children, and no love in my life, and that future seems bleak and empty. I don't want to face a life without human touch, hugs or kisses.
Answer
Ah. You're filling the communication gap between your boyfriend and yourself with painful memories of past men who loved and left you. It's OK. All relationships are contaminated by earlier experiences. We just have to catch ourselves doing it, and desist.
This man is doing what he needs to do. He's not long out of a troubled marriage, desperately wants to be a good dad, and is being mature and responsible. You are not his number one priority at the moment. Of course that's taxing. Part of the problem, I strongly suspect, is that he doesn't know how much this hurts you. Look at what you tell me. He remarked to you that his actual divorce has made no difference to him. But you “thought to yourself” that it hadn't made any difference to you either.
You've been serving his needs and remained silent about yours. That's probably what you've always done in your dealings with men - and maybe with everyone in your life. You say you were never loved. Maybe you were never real enough, open enough, honest enough about what you wanted, to allow anyone to show you love. It's not that the men in your past got bored with you. They couldn't find you. You were in hiding. So they gave up, baffled.
What's wrong with telling your lover that you want more? No, you're not trying to stop him being the best dad he can be. You are asking that he find space for you too. Maybe it's too soon to introduce you to the kids. It's not too soon to let his parents and siblings know that you exist. Maybe he has no money. But he must have time, even after tucking the children into bed, to ring and talk to you. He can discuss his day with you, his triumphs and defeats with the children, the anxiety and exultation he feels, and make you part of it all.
You think of creeping away. Why not, instead, take the risk of stating your needs, asking for consideration, suggesting progress in the relationship. We can only love real people. And real people state who they are. This is not about stamping your foot, demanding. It's about quietly making suggestions, asking gently for what you really want. Wouldn't that be a much better way of seeing how strong this relationship really is? Don't you think this good man deserves that chance? Don't you deserve that chance?
