13th September, 2009
Question
I'm a 17 year old girl and was raised by my single mother and grandparents. My parents never married and I see very little of my father.
Two years ago my mother told me that my father is married and has children. Since I am an only child, I would really like to see them. The problem is that none of his family, not even his mother, know anything about my existence. My was very ashamed about my birth, and about it happening outside marriage. But my mother is also an only child, so I don't have any aunts or uncles, except on my father's side, and I always wanted family. My father didn't meet his wife until after I was born, so my parents didn't have an affaire or anything.
I'm wary of making an approach. My half-siblings are quite young and I'm afraid it might break up my father's marriage. And what if they don't like me, or are ashamed of me like my father is? I have absolutely no idea what to do and this really plagues me.
Answer
Would it not make sense to approach your parents on this one? Or particularly, perhaps, your father? It's not as if you are total strangers. You see him sometimes. What's wrong with you expressing your desire to meet your half-brothers and sisters? Yes, I understand that you presume he would be completely against it. But that doesn't mean that you're confronted with an insurmountable obstacle.
Your parents came to their arrangement - namely that their relationship remain secret - when you were a tiny baby, or perhaps not even born. You didn't have a voice. They didn't consider the effect of their agreement on you. Fine - well not fine, but let's just accept that. Things have changed now, however. You're old enough to have your own voice, your own desires, your own stand-point. That means that your parents are confronted with a new reality - namely the fact that you'd like to explore the possibility of being part of a sibling group. Your desire is entirely valid. They have to consider it. But to do so, you have to voice it. You have to let them know that their cosy arrangement is not so cosy anymore.
I know you feel powerless. The temptation, therefore, is to stay silent about your dreams. Or else to do a solo run and contact your father's new family. I don't think you should do either of those things. Staying silent means accepting sadness without a fight. Not good. Doing a solo run and approaching the other children is, I think, doomed to failure. It's an act of desperation, isn't it? The kids would run scared, since they are still young, and world war three would break out on all fronts. It's also disloyal isn't it? Bypassing your parents, without giving then a chance to listen, and act on your wishes.
Believe me, I don't think for one minute that your parents acted wisely. They failed to think through how you would feel when you were old enough to understand. They sort of took away your vote didn't they? I just don't want you to feel so powerless, given that you feel you can't fight to get that vote back. And I certainly don't want you to set yourself up for failure.
So we're back where we started. Tell your mother how you feel. Tell your father too. In fact, taking the initiative, however discretely, of looking for a visit from him so that you can talk - rather than waiting around for him to turn up - isn't a bad place to start. Then see how it goes. It's important that we choose our battles in life in such a way that we maximise our chances of winning.
Finally, it goes without saying that you are not someone to be ashamed of. You're a great kid. If someone, or society at large, messed with your parents' heads, then so be it. None of that reflects on you. They made their mistakes. You made none. So never give into the temptation of measuring yourself by their emotionally complicated response. And if the half-siblings reject you, then it's out of fear, anxiety about the situation, the distress the adults feel. It says nothing about you. Nobody can determine your worthiness except yourself. It's your actions which count.
Talk to your parents. Think through what is possible. And don't let anyone dent your self-belief.
