Patricia Redlich

Thursday, February 4, 2010

My Son's Girlfriend Has An Eating Disorder

13th January, 2008


Question
I have been very happily married for 35 years and we have four daughters, all married, a younger son still at college, and one son who is 25 and living in the city, where he holds down a well-paid and responsible job. He has always been the 'apple of our eye', clever, handsome, funny, laid-back, in short a joy.

So what's the problem? Put briefly, our son has been dating a girl since he was 16 years old who has now moved in with him. She has had an eating disorder for about eight years and now weighs only 6 stone. She hasn't got a job and is extremely clingy and emotionally needy.

My son doesn't appear to think that any of this is a problem, although I think secretly he does, and he's very protective of her. It seems certain that they will get married at some point in the future.

What is our best course of action? Do we say nothing and hope for the best? Is it nothing to do with me? Or should I talk to my son? I want to do what's right, but feel terribly at sea.

Answer
I believe we owe our children our wisdom. That doesn't mean barging in and haranguing them about things we think are wrong. It does mean remembering that no comment is a communication too. Sure, in an ideal world, saying nothing to your son about his girlfriend would be read by him as mere tact, proper respect for appropriate boundaries between a parent and an adult child. In the real world, however, it can equally be read as tacit approval, an endorsement of his choice.

Can I say here that a lot of people whom I respect highly don't agree with me on this one. They don't believe in saying anything unless they are asked. I just think that even very mature adults sometimes ask in ways that are non-verbal. Or put differently, I do believe it's sometimes legitimate to respond to the behaviour of people we love. Basically what I'm saying is that I believe in interfering. I just think we need to be wise in how we go about it.

I also think that we must trust the bond of love we have with our kids. That means daring to make what may be a mistake,  believing that the relationship will survive such a false step. I also think that if we let real love guide us, our children will hear that love, even if the message we deliver is unacceptable to them.

Finally, I do know, with absolute certainty and from painful experience, that it is our sins of omission which haunt us. We recover, in time, from everything else.

You know the advice I'm going to give. If you feel you can, then take this son whom you love so much to one side. Tell him you love him, that you're scared he'll misunderstand or be angry or distance himself from you - all of which is entirely true. Explain your dilemma, that you feel you must speak but know it might be a mistake. And then tell him what you think - which is presumably something along the following lines.

Someone with a long-standing eating disorder who now weighs six stone is in serious psychological trouble. Being their support, their protector, their life-line, is a noble endeavour. It is not necessarily a good idea. The psychological damage needs to be addressed, not mindlessly propped up. In fact, there's a real and present danger that the continued presence of such a prop prevents this young woman from getting better. Love, after all, can easily become an emotionally unhealthy mutual dependence.

You need to say too, that your son's preparedness to be that prop is not without its problems either. This is not a question of some clingy girl holding onto a good guy. Nor should it be put to your son in those terms. What you would want of him is that he also examine his own conscience, his own reasons for being in this relationship. Perhaps he has an entirely false notion of chivalry, completely missing his own problematic need for someone who is dependent. Or perhaps he's carefully avoiding facing up to his own inability to say no, which is a weakness, however understandable, masquerading as love.

All of this is said with love. None of it is criticism. Most particularly it's not criticism of your son's girlfriend. Instead it's a wise mother, articulating possibilities, who is only too willing to back off if her intervention is deemed unwelcome. Please understand. I'm not telling you to do any of this. Ultimately we all have to follow our own instincts. It's just my advice, for what it's worth, and ultimately entirely up to you.
 
Irish based professional therapist and journalist. Website By : Deise Design