Patricia Redlich

Thursday, February 4, 2010

My Friend Is Cutting Herself Off

13th January, 2008


Question
We are seeking advice about our friend. She has been cutting herself for the past few years and we only found out six months ago. She won't tell us why she does this. And we can only get her to talk when she's drunk. Even at that it's a struggle.

We've convinced her to write a journal, which she's been doing for a couple of weeks, and she says it's helping. But we think she should do more. Her parents and siblings don't know, and she's not close to them. So we don't know if they would be able to help her anyway. She is quite against going to counselling and seems to want to pretend it's not a big deal. What can we do to help? We're all at college.

Answer
Part of the reason your friend won't tell you why she's cutting herself is because she doesn't know herself.  Well she doesn't know in any clear and direct fashion - like recognising, for example, that what's she's doing is punishing herself, inappropriately, for reasons that lie in her past. And she pretty definitely has no understanding of why she's chosen cutting herself, as opposed say to being aggressive, or so depressed she can't get up in the morning.

When we're in trouble psychologically - which your friend clearly is - the biggest stumbling block is often the fog of confusion which fills our head. The symptom - in your friend's case self-harm - is just that, a symptom. It's like having a high temperature, where the causes can be as diverse as pneumonia or blood-poisoning. It's just that with psychological symptoms, the cause can be harder to trace, because emotions are more malleable, more capable of hiding, than physical complaints.

Maybe something extremely unpleasant happened your friend, about which she feels both anger and shame and self-disgust, feelings which are common to all victims. That, in some ways, would be an easier scenario to resolve. Psychologically speaking it's better if something specific happened, however unpleasant, because it's easier to access.  Much harder is an all-pervasive sense of being unworthy, unloved, unheard, unseen, which can, for example, be the legacy of parents who criticise too much and praise too little, however unwittingly.

Emotional damage unquestioningly feeds your friend's behaviour. It's just a question of what caused it. And like I said, your friend herself may not know, or more precisely, may not consciously know. Behind that fog of confusion of course she knows. We all know what hurt us. It's just a question of carefully digging.

You are right. Such self-harm is a big deal. You're also right in hesitating before contacting your friend's family. I'm not saying it's out of the question. I am saying that it's a dilemma, because you're truly entering the unknown, are in danger of alienating your friend, and thus cutting off what currently seems to be her only life-line. On the other hand, your friend clearly needs help. Apart from anything else, I don't like the fact that she gets drunk. That's just another form of self-abuse. The fact that she then, and only then, talks about her distress points to the clear possibility that she uses alcohol as a means of emotional release. Not good.

Yes, keeping a diary is not enough and yes again, she needs counselling. You're clearly wonderful friends. Stick very close, coax and cajole her to see a professional, and be ready to contact someone in authority, be it the family or college counsellor, if she fails to respond and you feel even more worried. Your friend is in trouble. I'm very glad she has you. I'm sure she is too.
 
Irish based professional therapist and journalist. Website By : Deise Design