Patricia Redlich

Thursday, February 4, 2010

He Makes Me Feel Really Desirable

6th January, 2008


Question
For some time I've been very close to a couple. We used to spend so much time together and really had fun. They would always invite me over, even to family gatherings and stuff. A couple of summers ago, we were practically a threesome. They have been great friends to me and I never felt like a third wheel.

I had been friends with her first. In fact, I basically got the two of them together. I met him, and kind of steered him towards my friend, encouraging him to ask her out. I remember thinking he was an alright guy and I thought she needed to get out more. I do remember telling her to be careful, as I thought maybe he was a little too slick. Before I knew it, they were a couple.

Time has gone by and some things have happened. As I said, I used to hang out with them all the time, often sleeping over on their couch after a night out. One night, he took advantage of me. I remember being so upset that I did not take better care of myself and stop it. I also felt stupid for not realizing that I really set myself up.

Since then he has wanted to make dates with me regularly, basically to sleep together. At first I did it, kind of feeling that I was reclaiming myself. Now I really enjoy it. He always treats me respectfully and shows me a good time. I feel like a queen for a day. He doesn't spend money on me or anything, but he makes me feel really desirable. He has told me that he is with the girl for him and that we can never be together, but that he'd have to be gay not to be attracted to me. I feel there is no emotional involvement, which is fine by me. Lately, however, he'll call me and say he has some spare time, and when I say no I'm busy, he sounds so disappointed.

My fear is that maybe all along it was me he really wanted. I don't want to believe that. I'm afraid maybe there are feelings involved on his side, which I don't want. I've caught him looking at me in a certain way and it makes me wonder. I always thought it was a lot easier for men not to get emotionally involved. I'm not sure how destructive this could be. I don't want to break a couple up over nothing. I want to break it off, but I think I've started something that I may not be able to stop, at least not easily. I haven't even mentioned the hurt to her. Does it sound as though this guy really has something for me? I'm not sure how to handle this.

Answer
Two thoughts ran simultaneously through my mind as I read your letter. Unfortunately, as I've often said before, I have to write them down one after the other. Worse, I have to choose what to say first, and the first one always tends to carry more weight. Bear that in mind.

You are not remotely remorseful about sleeping with your friend's partner. You don't care at all about cheating on a friend. That's kind of shocking isn't it? It certainly shows a lack of moral fibre which is thought-provoking. That's one thought.

You clearly have no self-esteem, put no value on yourself, settle for so very little. You're having sex with a man who treats you with the utmost disrespect, and you feel he makes you queen for a day. He's told you he loves your friend, but finds you sexy. So there's no love involved. He's also made it clear that there's no future for you both, that he's living with the girl for him, and you're just his bit on the side. He is not a decent man, because he's cheating on his girlfriend, who is also a friend of yours. That's double betrayal. And he apparently feels no guilt. Yet snatched sex with such a man makes you happy. Isn't that profoundly sad? What has happened in your life that you think so little of yourself? That was my other thought.

It gets even worse. You're now beginning to believe that this man may have real feelings for you. And why? Because he sounds disappointed if you're not available to see him for sex, you tell me. Think about that. He's not offering to come clean with his girlfriend. He's not suggesting you two have a future. He's just put out when you're not available. I have to ask you again. What happened you on your way through life that you could think this man's disappointment is any kind of statement of love?

I wonder do you know at all how angry you are?

Deep down we all know we're worthwhile human beings. We therefore feel angry when we're abused - and this is an emotionally abusive relationship. The fact that you're actively involved only means that you're participating in the abuse, are abusing yourself. That's one source of your anger.

You're also angry because you wanted a love of your own. You hated being the third person in your relationship with your friend and this man. You may not have exactly wanted him - I don't know that - but you wanted a more central role. You wanted to be the one with a lover. You introduced the two of them, but you felt pained that he chose her, with you as the hanger-on. You may not agree with me here, you may not even have had those feelings consciously, but that's what your behaviour says to me.

I don't get the feeling that you love this man. In fact there's a good chance that you actually despise him. I do get the distinct impression that you are taking your revenge for being the one who was left out. The most awful part of this is the fact that you're doing such damage to yourself in the process.

What can I say to you? You're worth more than that. Everybody is worth more than that. Would you consider talking to a professional about the depth of your self-destruction? Would you consider taking a first step out of that self-destruction by looking again at what is really going on? Would you think, for a minute, about the fact that you're denying reality? Would you reach out to someone, anyone, to help rescue you? I do hope so.
 
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