6th January, 2008
Question
I am writing this on Christmas Eve, having just finished wrapping the presents. And I wonder am I just being mean or petty - or both.
Each year in our 8-year marriage, I choose and buy my own present from my husband. I tell him what I got, he says fine, and there it ends. No money is exchanged, no apologies given about him being a bad shopper, no comment at all. Half the time I just pick something without much thought. It's really just to have something under the tree for me so the kids don't think their father is mean. But to-night I'm asking myself - and now asking you - is he mean?
My husband is a very hard-working man and I love that about him. He takes pride in his work and enjoys the banter and company of his very male working environment. He is a great man to buy a round and would refer to himself as being very generous.
Our kids are small and we rarely get out as a couple. He goes out once or twice a week. I occasionally suggest a meal out, he says fine, we go, but I know it's not his thing and we invariably end up back in his local, talking the same talk with the same people - not the end to our night together that I really want.
I suppose this Christmas present issue is only a symbol of what I feel is lacking - namely a bit of thought on his side. But if I mention anything, he says that he hates all that 'silly' talk. I am educated and intelligent, am in a profession, work hard like he does, but my views and choices take second place to his. And his are very traditional.
Sometimes I feel like beating my head off the wall. At least he might notice me then.
Answer
You're quite right. The Christmas present issue is only a symbol. But it's a concrete example of what's going on, so we'll stick with it for a moment.
You chose to take care of your Christmas present from the very beginning. For the moment it doesn't matter why. You did. Just to make things clear, you had options. You could have settled for whatever your husband bought you. You could have lived with the fact that he bought nothing at all. You could have turned the buying of your present into a day out, with him, where he flourished his credit card after you'd made your choice. Or you could have given him your exact bra size, and suggested which lingerie shop he should visit. Couldn't you?
Your husband isn't mean. He's running on the smoothly lain tracks of your relationship - tracks which constitute a consensus between the two of you, an agreed work-division within your marriage, however unspoken. The fact that money doesn't change hands, for example, means only that you run the household kitty on some agreed terms that include the cost of Christmas presents.
So much for the symbol. The real issue, as it sounds to me, is one of control. You find kind words like ‘traditional' when you talk about your husband's behaviour, or taste, or preferences. The truth is, you disapprove, or at least have a different view, of how things should be. You don't want him to be the way he is. But you don't want to put your position clearly on the table either. In other words, you try to control, but from the position of victim. That's bad, for both of you.
Take the dinner dates. Why does it bother you that your husband goes out with you for a meal when you ask him? Yes, I heard you when you said it's not really his thing. That's not the point. He says yes to you when you ask. That's because he loves you. He would say yes, too, if you asked him to come home to bed with you after the meal, wouldn't he? But instead, you feel you have to appease him by going to the pub afterwards. You feel you have to cater for his lower standards, as you would see it. Isn't that so? And isn't that both insulting and unwise?
I think you feel you married beneath you. And now you're some kind of martyr to your husband's lower tastes, controlling things when you can but not directly confronting. At the very least you're unhappy and hiding it. Don't do that to yourself. Respect your husband's nights out with his friends. They are part of what makes him the man you fell in love with. Find a baby-sitter and have a couple of nights out with your own friends. And then use your wisdom and education and intelligence and love to forge a joint life, where each of you learns to love doing something exciting and nice together.
