26th July, 2009
Question
I feel at breaking point. I'm regularly tearful, irritable, sad and angry. These feelings resurface regularly and when they do I feel very low for days at a time.
I'm married to a wonderful man whom I love very much. Yet in the past I have treated him terribly. I've had affairs with men who were inferior to him in every way. I knew this at the time, knew these men were nothing, yet in the moment, the affair gave me a kind of buzz that made me feel better for a while. I knew the only way I'd stop was to tell my husband, so I did, and we got help. Long-term marriage counselling and individual psychotherapy for me has healed much of the damage.
For the past five years our marriage has been happy. I feel regret and deep shame for the things I did and I feel incredibly lucky that we have worked things out. The past seems like a different lifetime. My problem is, that since things have been good in my marriage, and I have stopped all this self-destructive behaviour, my weight has been increasing yearly. I feel totally out of control with food and it's making me feel depressed. I hate being fat. I feel ashamed that I've managed to make a success of every other part of my life, and yet I can't control this.
I had a wonderful relationship with my therapist but she moved abroad a couple of years ago. I now don't know what to do. I feel so damaged, like I'm back at square one. What's wrong with me? Therapy gave me lots of insights into my past. I know I have self-esteem issues due to my upbringing. I know this eating has nothing to do with hunger. I know I'm using food to make myself feel better. It's a different, safer version of the buzz I used to get from having affairs, but knowing these things isn't helping me to stop.
I feel like an addict. The compulsion to eat is overwhelming. I feel I'm going mad. I don't want to be like this. I just want, for once in my life, to feel that things are under control, without it being a constant struggle. I'm so sick of the fight.
Answer
You are an addict. I don't mean that in any dismissive or harsh or hard-headed, confrontational therapy sense. It's a simple statement of fact. You've told me so yourself. You're using food to make yourself feel better. Just as you used the buzz of illicit sex to make yourself better. And just as others use prescription drugs, illegal drugs, alcohol, excessive work commitment, compulsive porn viewing. Addiction is commonplace. The question is only what we do about it.
Basically the addict can't handle his pain. Such emotional capacity can vary widely. At one end of the spectrum we have the spoiled kids, where parental failure, combined with social norms, has effectively ensured that they never learned frustration tolerance. These are the 'must have' people, be it a pill for a headache, a 'fix' of some description for their disappointed sense of entitlement, or substance-induced oblivion in order to handle emotional distress. And no, I'm not being dismissive about such addicts. It's a terrible travesty to deny our children the discipline they need to discipline themselves.
At the other end of the spectrum there are those who have fought against terrible odds to handle early psychological or physical abuse, and of course abuse can be neglect as much as actual assault. And in-between somewhere are those who have been confronted with terrifying tragedies, awful experiences, at any age in their lives, who seek to obliterate their memories.
It's not rocket science to see that different addicts need different therapeutic help. What they have in common, however, is the need to ditch the substance, or behaviour, in which they are indulging. Addiction is a form of hiding. As long as we're hiding, we can avoid what's driving us. Psychologists might say that 'acting out' diverts energy. Keep losing your temper and you dodge facing the frustration which drives your anger - which hasn't actually anything to do with the husband, wife, child, or fellow car driver you're shouting at. Overeat, instead of facing the pain, and you only have the added problem of overweight.
The emotional spectrum isn't huge. Anger, fear and anguished sorrow basically cover it. You talk about wanting to be in control. What you really want is the capacity to console yourself, to put paid to the ravages of past hurt, to ease the anger, fear, and anguished sorrow, and to do so without damage - the capacity, if you wish, to put your arms around yourself. It's not about external control. It's about exorcising the inner turmoil.
You're a lot nearer than you think to winning the war. You've already gained huge psychological insight. Why not find another good therapeutic environment to ease the way? And what about widening the net of support by trying something like acupuncture, or physical therapy such as massage, or herbs which help to quieten the nervous system? Body and mind are one. That doesn't just mean that emotions can cause illness. It also means that body therapy can help the mind.
