13th April 2008
Question
I'm in my early '50's and was very fortunate to begin a relationship seven years ago with a man who is a few years older. We lived together for five years and early last year he moved back into his own house purely for tax reasons. He was my life and I was his.
Last autumn he got sick, was told he was terminally ill, and underwent serious medical treatment. I spent every moment with him, and lost my job in the process. This didn't upset me as I was thinking of giving up work anyway to look after him.
Shortly after he started treatment, he became distant with me, which I put down to his illness. He was difficult to live with, argumentative, moody, demanding, but I overlooked it. I would have done anything for him.
Then, out of the blue, he lost his temper with me, told me to go, and said he never wanted to see me again. I left, thinking he'd contact me. He never did. After a few days I started calling him, then texting him and sending emails. No answer. Christmas came and went. Still nothing. I put it down to his illness, but can't help feeling, none-the-less, that if someone loved you, they'd get back in contact once the dust had settled.
Four months later and I'm still just living from day to day. I want so much to speak to him, even just as a friend. He told me to move on, but how can someone just move on that easily? None of his friends or family will talk to me and my friends are wondering what I've done to deserve this cruelty. I want to be with him, no matter what. One call and I'd be back.
Answer
Love isn't all. It's just a very important part of the package. That's the painful lesson you're learning. Hard as it is to face, it was not wise to throw yourself full-time into the task of nursing a man who had made no formal commitment to you. You weren't married, you had no joint home, no shared financial support system. You were still totally responsible for yourself, quite separate, socially, economically and legally. Ditching the day job was a mistake.
That call won't come. Your man friend has made his wishes abundantly clear. He doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't even want a friendship. He doesn't want you around, in any capacity. That's a painful, but it's the truth. Being terminally ill hasn't addled your friend's brain. On the contrary, it has sharpened his wits, allowed him a decision that is crystal clear.
It's a trap a lot of us fall into, thinking that when someone is sick they are not themselves. The truth is that people are most seriously themselves when they're sick. There's no time or energy for playing games. Clarity comes quickly.
Your friend's illness, if you like, is a distraction. And perhaps in the cold light of dawn, the message was there before he ever got ill. I know that hindsight is easy, but you do have to wonder if your man friend really moved back home purely for tax reasons. Yes, I understand the tax implications of selling the family home, but surely that could have been solved while still having some kind of joint living arrangement?
Don't be tempted, either, to see this as some kind of conspiracy on the part of his family and friends. They're just singing from the same hymn sheet - and your friend chose the tune. I know I sound hard. It's just important you don't seek false comfort. It will only prolong your pain.
I do believe you when you say you had happy times. I'm sure you did indeed love him and he loved you. When it came to the crunch, however, your friend decided he wanted to fly solo, with just his family and friends. I'm sorry it is so. Wrap the good times around you, and take back your own life.
