13th April, 2008
Question
I met the love of my life when I was 30, but the relationship has caused huge heartache. Nine years on and it still hurts.
The object of my affections was separated with two children when we met, and at that time this was still something of a taboo. My family were very uncomfortable about him and said it would go nowhere. But he and I got on so well and I continued seeing him.
Three years into our relationship he had a vasectomy without discussing it with me. He knew I wanted children but was always clear that he did not want to go down that road again himself. I was devastated and left him, but went back again and again.
And this has been the pattern ever since. I break up with him and then go back to him, even though nothing has changed. There is no commitment. I know he loves me, but he is happy just having me in his life. I want more - a home, a family life, a husband. I want him.
I now conceal from my family and friends the fact that I'm still seeing him, as I know they would disapprove. This of course causes me huge stress as I am very close to them and feel dishonest. I also fear they might be right about the fact that he will never commit to me. I also know in my heart that I should move on and hopefully meet someone else. But I can't seem to leave him. He knows that, so does nothing to change things.
Now nearly 40, I am beginning to panic and feel so angry with myself that I have let this happen. I am very well paid, have a lovely home - but a huge mortgage on my own - and sometimes I wonder should I move home to the country and leave the rat race, although I know I'd be terrified about trying to hide my loneliness without the anonymity that a large city offers. I've plenty of friends, don't look my age, and am still reasonably attractive. I am close to depression, though. All the things I wanted in life look like they are not going to happen and that frightens me. I know I'm a people-pleaser and weak. Despite years of counselling because of my father's alcoholism, I'm still a mess.
Answer
You're not a mess. You're just facing that classic task of turning insight into action. Would that I had a magic formula for speeding up that process!
We are all aware that there's a huge difference between knowing something and acting on that knowledge. Think of all the times we eat too much, drink too much, fail to say no, put up with nastiness, lose our temper yet again, dodge the exercise we need. It's not that we don't know better. It's just so hard to do it differently. And it's infinitely more difficult when the issues are emotional.
Don't do yourself down. You're not a people pleaser and weak. You're stubbornly hanging onto a dream, despite all the evidence before you. That's not weakness. That's defiance. And defiance, or denial of reality, is what we do when emotional difficulties set us off on the wrong path in childhood. Your alcoholic father didn't make you a coward. The erratic, irresponsible, unpredictable and unreliable behaviour that goes with alcoholism, left you no option but to retreat into a determined daydream. In that daydream, things turned out right, and daddy turned up trumps.
You learned to stubbornly hope against the odds. That was your survival mechanism. As you can see, you carried that over into adulthood. Your man friend doesn't love you. Well he doesn't love you enough to respect your wishes. And you keep hoping he'll change. He won't. Put more accurately, and fairly, you'll never find out until you say stop. After all, he's never been put to the test has he?
Given that he's now had a vasectomy, is there still a life you would be prepared to live with him? Is there something he could do to make it worth your while to stick around? If so, tell him what he needs to do to hold onto you. Then step back and see what happens. And don't hang about for long. Anything you ask for now won't exactly come as a bolt from the blue. He's had nine years.
If he doesn't deliver in say, two months, then walk away. Yes, you can do it. He's not holding you in waiting mode. You're holding yourself. The dream you created to survive a sad childhood no longer serves your interest. Let it go.
