27th April 2008
Question
My daughter, who is in her mid-twenties, has just told me that she is gay. At first I was supportive, but now I am just angry.
She has had a few boyfriends and was absolutely mad about the last one. She would still be with him if he hadn't finished with her.
I feel she has chosen this path. It has not been thrust upon her. I mean, even if she is bisexual, couldn't she wait until she met another boyfriend? She is now living with her girlfriend. Is she trying to shock, to show that she's not confined by convention? This would be in keeping with her personality.
I have not been in touch with her for some time, as I don't know how to deal with my anger and we'll just end up arguing. Her father is in contact with her, but he doesn't know anything about all this.
I need help on how to handle the situation when I do get the courage to ring her.
Answer
You're angry. The good news is that you acknowledge the anger. Many people bury it, and the suffering continues. The sobering news is that your anger at your daughter is your responsibility. She's not making you angry. Anger is the response you've chosen to the circumstances she presents you with. Her doing it differently - like waiting for another man - is not the solution. Your anger is your own.
Yes, that makes you feel even worse. It's extraordinarily difficult to accept that our feelings are our own. I got the news twenty years ago from a therapist, and I still have to say it like a mantra to myself every day: My irritability is my responsibility. None of the people who set my teeth on edge are irritating, it's me who gets irritated, it's my response to a set of circumstances. The changes that have to be made are in me. I was astounded at the time he told me, and definitely very angry at the messenger! And it's even harder when it comes to anger, because anger is such a powerful emotion.
Let's get this straight. Yes, it is entirely possible that your daughter is in defiant mode. Yes, it's possible that lesbianism is a choice. Yes, it's possible that her life-style decision is fuelled by anger. And yes, that anger may be directed against you. It happens. Even leaving aside the question of whether lesbianism is sometimes a matter of choice or not, the reality is that many gay young women have fractured relationships with their mothers.
Blame makes us defensive, closes down our minds, hinders change. So can we dump it? We're just talking personal responsibility here. Think of the alternative. If your daughter is making you angry, what are you, other than a helpless puppet dancing to her tune? Taking ownership of your anger, to use that somewhat trendy phrase, is really just a question of taking control of your life isn't it?
Why are you angry at your daughter? Do you feel you failed? Or have you the deep-seated belief that her life has been one long act of defiance - directed at you? Do you see how such a perception could come about? If that's what happened, can you accept that such defiance was not intended as malicious? Is your daughter someone you never really liked? Make no mistake. Sometimes a child finds our Achilles' heel, needles at our vulnerability, challenges our capacity to love - and it's nobody's fault. And sometimes a parent and child are mismatched. It just happens. All we can do in such circumstances is recognise the fact, and then toil daily at trying to accept someone who is very different to what we secretly wanted. Which, when you think about it, is not a bad definition of love.
Or did you and your daughter compete? If so, was it for your husband's affection? Or was it about the road she travelled in terms of education, career, independence, personality, style?
Probing at potentially uncomfortable corners of your mind is the only way I can be of any service. That's why all these questions are directed at you. They are intrusive. And they may well be wide of the mark. The intention is to hand you control, never to attack. You're in a painful place. I don't know the reasons why. You do. My questions are merely an attempt at helping you lift the veil on buried truths. The hopeful news is that even if you don't find all the answers, the very process of reflection will help you succeed in the task you've set yourself, which is getting a handle on your anger.
I was watching a very indifferent movie on TV recently - in fact I fell asleep long before the end. But it opened with a lovely line, written in an old-fashioned script, which said something like: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is in the throes of a terrible struggle.” Looking at your anger, you'll be meeting yourself, as a mother. Treat that mother who is trying to be good with kindness. Do that, and you'll find a route to your daughter, which is what this is really all about.
