18th May, 2008
Question
I am single, in my mid '30's, and have recently started a new career. I've had a few difficult years and am finally getting back on track.
I had decided I was going to really focus on my new work direction and put everything into it. And that's what I did. However, there has been a development that I wasn't expecting.
I have really fallen for our personnel manager who is also single, and a couple of years younger. I think he is aware of the effect he has on me, which makes me feel like some silly schoolgirl. The intensity of the attraction I feel when I'm around him obviously shows in my body language. One of my colleagues also joked about it, and the manager overheard him, but he just smiled and carried on as professional as usual.
I now feel self-conscious around him and my feelings sometimes seem unbearable. I don't believe he's attracted to me, but I think he really likes and respects me. How do I deal with these feelings when I have to work alongside this man?
Answer
I don't see a disaster. Yes, I've heard you, and I know you're not comfortable. But the picture I'm receiving is a very attractive one. You fancy your manager, he's cool about it, likes and respects you, and the relationship remains professional. How bad can that be?
No, I'm not making fun of you. I'm just saying that in this hard-boiled, knowing, jaded world, isn't it rather wonderful to fall for someone, show it, maintain his respect - and feel like a teenager at thirty-something years of age?
This particular man may not fancy you back. Or perhaps he's too professional to get involved, especially at this early stage in your new career. But what you see as your vulnerability, foolishness even, obviously looks good to the outside world. Dare I use that old-fashioned word 'cute'? Or has Brendan O'Connor ruined it for all time as judge on 'You're A Star?
What I'm basically saying is simple: You can't change your feelings. They'll ease in time if unrequited. You can't change your non-verbal communication either. You're transparent - a trait which I'm trying to tell you is terribly attractive. You can, however, retain your dignity, which is really all that matters. And you do that by accepting who and how you are. Being comfortable in your skin, the French call it.
You're being treated kindly by those around you. Can't you settle for that? Nobody is at war with you. Why war with yourself?
