Patricia Redlich

Thursday, February 4, 2010

My Husband Has Poor Hygiene

20th January, 2008


Question
My problem may seem trivial but I am hoping you can help. For the past few years my husband thinks that every 10-14 days is sufficient to take a shower. Shirt socks and underwear are changed with the same frequency. I've tried hinting, cajoling, joking, and the direct approach. It's hard to be tactful when being direct, but I did it as kindly and gently as possible. He was so offended that I'm reluctant to broach it again.

As I write, this is day 13 and there has been a pong for at least three days. I do not know anybody who would speak to him. Our sons, all of whom are married and living their own lives, don't know about this problem. But I know that even if they did, they would not be willing to speak to my husband. Any suggestions?

Answer
Yes. Stop pussy-footing around. The problem isn't your husband's hygiene. The problem is your reluctance to have a row.

I know you're saying that he was offended, so you backed off the direct approach. But that's not the reason. It's not that you're afraid of offending your husband per se. You're afraid of the consequences. Maybe I shouldn't have said you're reluctant to have a row. Maybe your husband wouldn't shout and roar at you. Maybe his being offended shows as a sulk, an angry emotional withdrawal. Or maybe he does a social sabotage routine, breaking arrangements to meet friends, or family or whatever. Or perhaps he just blackmails you into feeling awful by having a hurt and hang-dog expression for weeks.

The point is, you can't stand the emotional distance that would emerge between you, whatever form it took. So you don't put your foot down, speak clearly, or make your feelings felt. Nor do you take obvious action. I mean, we remove the clothes of a two-year old from the bedroom every day and stick them in the washing machine don't we? And we ban workmen from walking over the living room carpet if their feet are muddy. So why is your husband allowed pong around the house?

You don't have to be a big baddy. You can make your case, firmly, but with a sweet smile. To do that, however, you have to handle the distress you feel when there's any kind of war on. You have to learn, in short, to survive emotional separation. Your request is clearly reasonable.  Nothing your husband says or does in response to that reasonable request can therefore be taken personally. Everything he says and does in protest is about him. None of it is about you. If you can convince yourself of that, then it may be a bumpy ride, but you'll be able to bear it.

And who knows, perhaps the poets, pop psychologists and writers of saccharine sweet 'thought for the day' type greeting cards have it right. Perhaps all crises can be seen as opportunities for change. Have you a happy, enriching, relaxing and meaningful life outside  your relationship with your husband? If not, or not exactly, perhaps this is the time to start one. It would certainly help you withstand whatever wobbly he may throw when you tell him to wise up about washing. It's also a good idea, in and of itself, to have a separate life. We all need bolt holes, or what social scientists call support structures, to help us handle the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

The crunch issue here is self-assertion. The key to that is being able to weather the ensuing storm. Think about it.
 
Irish based professional therapist and journalist. Website By : Deise Design