19th July, 2009
Question
I'm a mother of four in my mid-thirties. I have a kind and caring husband and a secure job. I have everything I could ever want, yet I'm unhappy.
I've always suffered from anxiety and panic attacks in certain social situations. In the past year, however, they have become particularly bad at work. I find it very difficult to communicate with management in particular, often becoming a trembling wreck at meetings. As I result I am somewhat sidelined. My awkwardness is too hard for them to handle. They certainly must think that I'm very odd and peculiar. At times I think they would probably be happier if I left.
My panic attacks make me tremble, I get shortness of breath, and I cannot hold a normal conversation. I feel jittery, and wish the ground would open and swallow me up. They are awful, leave me wrecked for days, and people don't know what to make of me. I know I lack self-confidence, have little faith in myself, and find it hard to make decisions. But my anxiety attacks only occur when I'm with people who I feel are better than I am. I just feel inadequate and inferior around certain individuals. And once I have a panic attack around a person, I can never get back to being normal with them.
I want my children to have a confident mother who believes in herself. I want to be someone they can believe in and rely on. I sometimes think they would be better off if I was gone. And sometimes all this makes me angry, and I end up taking that anger out on them, and on my husband. I don't want this to happen.
The only way I seem to be able to alleviate my distress is by over-eating. This works temporarily, but only makes me feel worse in the long-term. I've tried counselling and didn't stick with it. Why do I feel so bad?
Answer
You've given me the answer yourself. You feel bad because you have a specific problem which you are failing to tackle. And it's not the problem itself which leads you to comfort eating and depressive thoughts. It's your refusal to face it. You dislike the fact that you're not getting on top of your panic attacks.
First off let's be clear: Panic attacks are hard to handle. Once they occur, not only do you feel awful, those around you feel awkward, just as you describe it. A panic attack is a kind of no-win situation. That's why it's important to work on what leads up to it. The whole idea is to avoid the panic happening in the first place. No, that doesn't mean leaving the work-force. It does mean facing down the fear you feel when confronted by those you see as superior.
Can I say something else. Fear itself is not the problem. Everyone feels fearful or anxious about something – including dealing with those in authority. The problem is the extent of your anxiety, the fact that it is real terror. That's what you feel is inappropriate. And I suppose the world in general, including your work colleagues, would see it as inappropriate too. We all recognise the scenario where someone is scared silly of say going into a meeting and the rest of the gang give her support. A panic attack, however, goes beyond that scenario. It's pure terror, where such terror is seen as over-the-top. I mean you're not standing in the middle of a towering inferno.
The point is, from your perspective, it is exactly like facing a towering inferno. You have learned, sometime when you were young and vulnerable, to effectively fear for your life when confronted with those you see as superior. To your unconscious mind, facing such situations is a life or death situation. Your entire emotional safety seems at stake. I don't know who or what made you so scared. But something or someone did. That's not your fault. It is, however, your responsibility as an adult to face that fact and do something about it.
Stop beating yourself up. Stop over-eating. Stop thinking your kids need a better mum. Acknowledge, instead, the bravery of fighting against the odds. Pay due regard to the fact that your terror has true meaning for you, is not irrational given your internal reality, and can only be fought if you first of all respect it. You can of course beat it. But first of all you have to explore its source, change that internal reality if you like. To do that, I would suggest, you should seek help. It's a hard battle on your own. Why put yourself through such unnecessary hardship? Why be so unkind to yourself? It's neither fair, nor appropriate.
