22nd July, 2009
Question
I'm 28 and have been married for six months. We've a number of recurring issues, the most damaging of which have been caused by my apparent selfishness and lack of judgment and compassion. I'm a good man, sincere, caring, sensitive and generally very hard-working. But my apparent addiction to internet porn has brought us both to a place of great frustration. Again. We have agreed that the central concern is not the porn, but rather my infidelity. We are both open-minded, and encourage exploration, but we both know this is not exploration.
As a young boy I became very excited by some porn I happened to find and it has been a source of instant gratification for me over the years, particularly as I was anxious about women and about losing my virginity. I concealed my porn habit for a long time, while it continued to undermine my confidence and elevate my social anxiety. Luckily things improved, I lost my virginity, had several serious relationships which were committed and rewarding, and met my wife. However, the pornography seemed to resurface each time the initial heat of a new relationship began to wane. This pattern continued both before and after our marriage, each time carrying with it the burden of broken trust.
In times past, my wife and I have made agreements, written then down even, as I take this very seriously. This time, however, my wife has stated that this is all too much, and in looking after her own happiness, she must debate whether or not she should leave. She thinks I may not be ready for the commitment that marriage entails, and is open to taking some time out to be single again, even to the point of me dating other women. She cares for my happiness, but not above her own.
I empathize with my wife, and feel that all I can do is state my desire to deal with this problem, treat her with complete fidelity, and restore her respect for me, while she debates the risks of either staying or leaving.
To add to our woes, my wife has been feeling bored and sad as she is a foreign national who has made very few friends. Her aging university education has never really been put to work, which adds to her frustration. My wife works shifts, which left us less time together, although I recently changed jobs, leaving my career on hold, to give us more time to focus on our new marriage. Financial pressures also undoubtedly add stress to the mix.
With only a few years of experience behind us, I would tentatively say that my wife has a stronger sex drive than I have and when we don't have sex more or less every day, I sense her questions and concerns brewing. When this dynamic happens, it sits atop me during any sexual contact and usually occupies my mind, banishing intimacy. I feel that abuse of instant gratification through pornography has disconnected me from healthy, regular sex. My self-serving gratification seems to have created a sort of attention deficit during sex.
When I am in the right frame of mind, I am very excited by my wife and we have great sex. This then cools off for maybe a month or so, and that's when the impulse for pornography starts to resurface. And my wife then assumes I'm not interested in her and feels hurt. We have identified some cultural differences to account for ways that we don't connect with compassion and sensitivity, but in the end, she accuses me of being selfish and callous. I admit that I have a tendency to be selfish, but inside I have nothing but love and respect for this woman.
I can only acknowledge that porn appears to be an addiction. My wife's dignity is at stake, and we both love each other, but also respect each other's desire for true happiness, wherever that takes us. I want to ditch this addiction and restore my wife's respect for me. But I fear for my ability to satisfy her sexually, even without pornography. Neither of us relishes looking life a fool, getting a divorce after just six months of marriage, but I can only respect her desire to be happy, regardless of the fallout.
Answer
You are strangely absent from your letter. I say ‘strangely' because you talk a lot about yourself, or rather castigate yourself a lot. But it's as though you've read all the text books. You are not emotionally present. Instead you sound like a dispassionate doctor giving a case history. No, I'm not saying you don't care. I'm just saying that your feelings aren't surfacing.
Your relationship with your wife also sounds like seriously hard work. In fact, it sounds exhausting. You're only married six months but there is no joy, no fun, no ease, no time-out. Or so it seems. Anyone listening to you would be forgiven for wondering why you two are married at all. No, that's not a criticism. I'm trying to provide you with feedback, an outsider perspective, a sounding board for you to use.
Absence of apparent emotion is not a fault, or a deficit, or a short-coming. It's a vital clue when it comes to understanding what's really going on. And experience dictates that anger is the most likely feeling hiding behind your formulaic description of your marriage, an anger closely mixed up with despair, emotional emptiness, and the most profound tiredness. You've tried really hard, and now you're just repeating the mantra of pornography addiction.
It's the wrong focus. Maybe you are addicted to porn. Maybe it's true that you turn to it, as someone would to a substance like drugs or alcohol, when you feel emotionally threatened. And if you do that, it's an issue you need to address, certainly. There is, however, another huge question which is going unanswered. Why is your wife so dissatisfied with life? And why do you see it as your job to solve her dissatisfaction? Yes, she's a foreign national. Yes, she's in some micky mouse job, far beneath her educational standing. Yes, she's struggling to socially integrate. All of that is understandable. But it was her choice to come here. Even if she's a refugee, it was still her choice, her decision that Ireland offered her a better alternative to whatever was going on in her life. It's therefore her responsibility to make it work for her. The same goes with the marriage. You didn't do a cave-man routine on her. She decided to marry you. And so what if her sex drive is stronger than yours. Show me two people who want it always at the same time, same frequency, some intensity, same bed positions, same duration. That's life.
Far be it from me to give an addict ammunition, but it does sound a bit like your alleged addiction to porn is a convenient side-issue on the much broader landscape of your wife's unhappiness with her lot. I hesitate to suggest you talk to her. It sounds like there's far too much talk going on already. What you need to do is change the camera angle you both currently have on the relationship. Ease up on the role of penitent sinner, which is really an angry victim response. Sure, you're in the picture. But the decision to be happy is down to your wife. Let her know that. And try to do so with a change in behaviour, rather than endless and ultimately fruitless discussions.
