Patricia Redlich

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I Committed Adultery

July 5th, 2009


Question
I dropped a bomb on my relationship with my husband four weeks ago. After a couple of very difficult months, I found the courage to admit my crime.  Married 23 years, I had committed an act of adultery. Feelings of guilt, degradation and self-loathing have been part of my everyday existence since. My husband is a good man and also a very good father. He deserved to know the truth about me.

I still don't know if I'm going to lose him. His first reaction was acceptance and we were very united about tackling it together. A week later, it was being dealt with very harshly and all the bad stuff came out. I agreed with him all the way about how terribly wrong I was. We were then reconciled and united. But that high only lasted a short time. He then resented my presence and withdrew into very long hours of pursuing his hobby. In my anxiety and nervousness I voiced mild criticism of his withdrawal after about a week - bad idea coming from my position. I then got a verbal hammering.

Given that there is no excuse for my behaviour, I didn't defend myself, didn't feel I had the right to stress my point, namely that my weakness came from feeling I was totally taken for granted in my marriage,  the feeling that I was there only to help my husband live his life. Instead, I listened, and through tears he told me that I would never be the same person for him, and that he was going to be more independent.

Well, I'm suffering alongside him - even literally, as we're still in the same bed. I'm feeling pretty terrible but I'm glad to have the daily issues of rearing a family to deal with. I also have a full-time job. Through all this we interact well enough, with a sensible approach to our children's needs. But I fear I'm losing my husband. I feel embarrassed and edgy in his company. I'm hoping you'll tell me things get worse before they get better. I know his old love for me is over, but maybe something new and good can happen between us. I know no other life other than that shared with him.

I cannot undo my terrible act, but I can reject my sin and move on and be a better person. I've never talked to anyone about my problems, never feeling it was fair to only give my side of the story. Instead I've always come to some resolution by myself. But this time round it's a particularly lonely feeling. And maybe all those problems in the past weren't really too bad, viewed from this new position I'm in.

Answer
It's obvious your morals are intact, so we're not going to talk any more about right and wrong. You've sent yourself that message, loud and clear.

You're on a pretty standard emotional roller coaster right now. You just have to hang on. You hurt your husband, his anger is legitimate, you need to show that you are sorry, and allow him time to handle this. The hard part of all that is being alone. For the moment, there is only the betrayal and he is the betrayed one. Short of being physically violent towards you, which is never acceptable, you basically have to sit there and take whatever he hands out. And handle your own guilt, remorse, regret, fear, all on your own. It's a double burden, the inevitable fate of the one who does the bad deed. And in all of this, a few weeks is a very short time.

Less apparent is the fact that you're also having to deal with your anger alone. That's the problem with sexual infidelity, or any other inappropriate act of defiance or despair. It doesn't solve the relationship problem. It adds to it. In doing the wrong thing, you become the bad person, and you still have the same problem that sent you off in the first place. In your case it's clear. You felt walked on, ignored, badly treated, and decided, however unconsciously, to drop a bomb on your relationship, as you so aptly put it. That's why you told him. No point in having sex with someone else and your husband not knowing about it. It's not that he deserved to know, in the interest of truth. You needed him to know, because the infidelity was all about making his wake up to your unhappiness. You were angry. You still are.

At some point, this will settle down somewhat. And then you will have to do what you failed to do in the first place. You will have to set out your emotional stall, tell your husband what hurts you, explain what you want done differently, negotiate a better marriage deal with him. To do that, you will have to stop being the baddie in this relationship. That's why it will take a while before you can start to truly talk. Your husband needs time before he can think of forgiveness.  And yes, you will be one-down because of what you did.

On the other hand, your unhappiness is now out on the table. That's an opportunity, and it's one you created, however unadvisedly, by being unfaithful. And that unhappiness was created by both of you. There was a real marital problem, to which both of you contributed. The solution you chose was your responsibility, and wrong. The problem, however, is one for which you were both responsible.

When a little time has passed, grasp that truth, that reality, and fight for a better marriage.
 
Irish based professional therapist and journalist. Website By : Deise Design