Question
I'm a 22 year-old college student with seemingly everything going for me. I'm happy with my course, get good results, have loads of friends, and have a CV chocker-block full of achievements, academic and otherwise. Without wanting to sound 'cocky' I've always been told that I'm very good-looking and have no confidence issues with my looks. On paper I appear practically perfect. My state of mind, however, is far from perfect. I feel I'm becoming a burden on my closest friends and need an objective opinion as I constantly have issues to do with men, which are getting me down.
I have many close male friends and get on great with them. The problem is with non-friends, whom I really like. I've no shortage of male admirers, but my normal reaction has been to ignore a guy I really like and act indifferent. I never wanted to appear eager for fear of rejection. Maybe this is the result of my parents' tumultuous relationship when I was growing up, I don't know. I sometimes resented my father's old school attitude towards my stay-at-home mother and the constant rows, upsets and walk-outs.
Whatever the reason for it, my behaviour has resulted in a lot of rejection.
Last week a boy I really like said our relationship was going nowhere, that it wasn't serious. That's my fault. Other boys said I came across as cold, and told me my behaviour could be very problematic. You see, I've never wanted to be one of those girls who throws themselves at men and is ridiculed by people behind her back. But a few friends have told me that I come across indifferent, even though I really liked those boys. I did try to be friendlier, which was quite difficult considering my lack of confidence with these guys, but it was too late. The fact that I appear so confident doesn't help. These guys see me as a “bitch” who thinks she can have anyone, and is just playing with them. Yet the opposite is true. I like them so much, but fear being around them in case they might see the real me. I feel so down about this, crying a lot and generally feeling worthless.
Answer
You've diagnosed yourself. You are scared of rejection, so you don't let the boys get close. You even know why, in broad terms anyway. Your parents' relationship didn't seem secure. Certainly they approached their differences in a very immature fashion. Your mother in particular seemed one-down to you. So you feared the fragility of relationships, and the fragility of women in particular. Chances are, your parents were also immature in their parenting, leaving you doubly insecure.
Keeping an artificial distance doesn't help - as you now know. The threat lies within you, that fear of helplessness once you care for a man. The challenge, therefore, is to let go your desperate desire to control things. Or rather, learning to control them in a different way. Think about it. You like a boy. You smile, and chat to him at the bar, or dance with him at a gig. He suggests a date and you say yes. He knows you like him. You have not lost control. You can, at any point, challenge what he's doing, or not doing. Caring doesn't mean putting up with bad behaviour. You are not helpless. You can shape the way the relationship goes. Try it, taking tiny steps. And go see the college counsellor, to talk things through.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
I'm Jealous About Lover's Fantasies
Question
I am a professionally employed woman in my mid-thirties and have been seeing my current boyfriend for the past six months. Beside his good points, the issue that's troubling me seems trivial. He is thoughtful, considerate, kind, generous and emotionally there for me - in short the kind of man most women dream about in vain. In fact my friends joke that I should tie him down permanently, but I'm not in any hurry to get married. Nor has he suggested anything, which is OK.
Although he is currently unemployed, he goes out of his way to treat me to a night out as often as he can, and if we have a night in at my house, he always brings wine or flowers or some small surprise. Well educated, he's a formidable debating opponent and offers a stimulating intellectual challenge. He also has a great sense of humour, which makes him fun to be around. He's good-looking, takes care of himself, and is an excellent and passionate lover. But although he constantly tells me he loves me, sex is at the root of the problem.
After making love one night recently I asked him what turns him on and he said his sexual fantasies are about women in leather gear, particularly those heavy motor-bike jackets. This would be no big deal except that my best friend has one, and always wears it when we're out as a group together. Given that she is currently single, extremely good-looking, and gets on really well with my boyfriend, I now feel deeply insecure when she's in close proximity to him. I am insecure enough to think that they might be having an affair. Or if that is not the case, then I'm worried and suspicious enough to think he has told her about his fantasies.
Things came to a head recently when we were all out together in a larger group of friends. From a distance during the evening I saw my boyfriend and best friend laughing and chatting and she put her hand on his knee and then pulled it away again quickly. Later on he asked her where she had got the jacket and complimented her on it. Of course she lapped it up. That evening, when we got back to his place, we slept together without having sex and I left before he even woke up.
I find myself snapping at him and feeling terrible about it later. And I haven't approached my friend about my suspicions either. She has a fiery temper, and I don't want to trigger it. I would also hate to lose her as a friend. And if I lost my boyfriend, I would be devastated. I haven't seen any signs since that would indicate they are having an affair and maybe my paranoia is misplaced. But I'm still insecure about my boyfriend and our future. Have I lost him?
Answer
I really do think it is profoundly unwise to ask about a lover's fantasies. It is equally unwise to answer if you are asked. Fantasies are just that, fantasy-land. They are an internal dialogue with ourselves, a mechanism for exploring the limits of our thinking, places we dare to go in our imagination precisely because it is in our imagination, and hence safe. They are not for sharing.
You can see that now. You are in possession of information you don't know how to handle. Because you are insecure, you're missing the fundamental point, namely that fantasies don't determine choices in the real world. Otherwise your boyfriend would only be with women who wear leather gear all the time. And he's not. He's with you.
You are also suggesting that your boyfriend, far from being perfect, is actually a guy who is not very nice. He tells you the fantasy about the leather gear. He also tells your best friend. Then he compliments her on the jacket, in front of you. If that were true, he'd be a very cruel man. In fact he'd be a sadist. Imagine playing games like that, deliberately taunting you. And imagine the nastiness of a so-called best friend who would go along with all that.
You can't have it both ways. You can't paint this man as wonderful and at the same time think he's having an affair with your friend, or playing nasty games with your emotional well-being, which is just as bad, if not worse, than actual infidelity. The two pictures don't fit. So you either accept that you have a 'great catch' to use that vulgar phrase, or you've landed yourself with someone who is full of vicious s***. Do you understand?
Low self-esteem is a double-whammy. We think little of ourselves, which is bad enough. But on top of that, from our lowly position way down on the status scale, we falsely elevate everyone else. Put plainly, your boyfriend may be a very nice guy, but he's not Mister Perfect. How do I know? It's simple. Nobody is. And I'm not being even remotely cynical. People just aren't perfect. That's their charm. Human frailty is what softens our hearts and allows love in. Anyway, think of what an old-fashioned father might have asked. What are your boyfriend's prospects? He's unemployed. How does he pay his way? Or could it be that your social life is very constrained because of his lack of money? In a future togetherness scenario would you be the sole breadwinner? No, I'm not being nasty either. Nor am I for one moment suggesting someone should be judged on the basis of their bank account, or employment status. I'm just saying that you're ignoring reality, which unquestionably has it draw-backs, because of your low self-esteem. So please don't tell all your friends to write me hate-mail. Oh and by the way, your best friend may look fantastic in her heavy metal leather jacket, but you do see, don't you, that wearing it all the time makes her dress-sense one-dimensional?
Low self-esteem is also self-sabotage. You are emotionally insecure because you can't quite believe that your boyfriend has chosen you. So what do you do? You get jealous, and then start to punish him. Yet you know that if you keep that up, you'll drive him away. Misplaced anger is a huge factor in low self-esteem. You shoot yourself in the foot, when really you should be systematically fighting whatever forces lead you to believe you were less than worthy. Why not quietly wander off to a counsellor and get help about handling that lack of self-worth? And stop fighting with your boyfriend.
I am a professionally employed woman in my mid-thirties and have been seeing my current boyfriend for the past six months. Beside his good points, the issue that's troubling me seems trivial. He is thoughtful, considerate, kind, generous and emotionally there for me - in short the kind of man most women dream about in vain. In fact my friends joke that I should tie him down permanently, but I'm not in any hurry to get married. Nor has he suggested anything, which is OK.
Although he is currently unemployed, he goes out of his way to treat me to a night out as often as he can, and if we have a night in at my house, he always brings wine or flowers or some small surprise. Well educated, he's a formidable debating opponent and offers a stimulating intellectual challenge. He also has a great sense of humour, which makes him fun to be around. He's good-looking, takes care of himself, and is an excellent and passionate lover. But although he constantly tells me he loves me, sex is at the root of the problem.
After making love one night recently I asked him what turns him on and he said his sexual fantasies are about women in leather gear, particularly those heavy motor-bike jackets. This would be no big deal except that my best friend has one, and always wears it when we're out as a group together. Given that she is currently single, extremely good-looking, and gets on really well with my boyfriend, I now feel deeply insecure when she's in close proximity to him. I am insecure enough to think that they might be having an affair. Or if that is not the case, then I'm worried and suspicious enough to think he has told her about his fantasies.
Things came to a head recently when we were all out together in a larger group of friends. From a distance during the evening I saw my boyfriend and best friend laughing and chatting and she put her hand on his knee and then pulled it away again quickly. Later on he asked her where she had got the jacket and complimented her on it. Of course she lapped it up. That evening, when we got back to his place, we slept together without having sex and I left before he even woke up.
I find myself snapping at him and feeling terrible about it later. And I haven't approached my friend about my suspicions either. She has a fiery temper, and I don't want to trigger it. I would also hate to lose her as a friend. And if I lost my boyfriend, I would be devastated. I haven't seen any signs since that would indicate they are having an affair and maybe my paranoia is misplaced. But I'm still insecure about my boyfriend and our future. Have I lost him?
Answer
I really do think it is profoundly unwise to ask about a lover's fantasies. It is equally unwise to answer if you are asked. Fantasies are just that, fantasy-land. They are an internal dialogue with ourselves, a mechanism for exploring the limits of our thinking, places we dare to go in our imagination precisely because it is in our imagination, and hence safe. They are not for sharing.
You can see that now. You are in possession of information you don't know how to handle. Because you are insecure, you're missing the fundamental point, namely that fantasies don't determine choices in the real world. Otherwise your boyfriend would only be with women who wear leather gear all the time. And he's not. He's with you.
You are also suggesting that your boyfriend, far from being perfect, is actually a guy who is not very nice. He tells you the fantasy about the leather gear. He also tells your best friend. Then he compliments her on the jacket, in front of you. If that were true, he'd be a very cruel man. In fact he'd be a sadist. Imagine playing games like that, deliberately taunting you. And imagine the nastiness of a so-called best friend who would go along with all that.
You can't have it both ways. You can't paint this man as wonderful and at the same time think he's having an affair with your friend, or playing nasty games with your emotional well-being, which is just as bad, if not worse, than actual infidelity. The two pictures don't fit. So you either accept that you have a 'great catch' to use that vulgar phrase, or you've landed yourself with someone who is full of vicious s***. Do you understand?
Low self-esteem is a double-whammy. We think little of ourselves, which is bad enough. But on top of that, from our lowly position way down on the status scale, we falsely elevate everyone else. Put plainly, your boyfriend may be a very nice guy, but he's not Mister Perfect. How do I know? It's simple. Nobody is. And I'm not being even remotely cynical. People just aren't perfect. That's their charm. Human frailty is what softens our hearts and allows love in. Anyway, think of what an old-fashioned father might have asked. What are your boyfriend's prospects? He's unemployed. How does he pay his way? Or could it be that your social life is very constrained because of his lack of money? In a future togetherness scenario would you be the sole breadwinner? No, I'm not being nasty either. Nor am I for one moment suggesting someone should be judged on the basis of their bank account, or employment status. I'm just saying that you're ignoring reality, which unquestionably has it draw-backs, because of your low self-esteem. So please don't tell all your friends to write me hate-mail. Oh and by the way, your best friend may look fantastic in her heavy metal leather jacket, but you do see, don't you, that wearing it all the time makes her dress-sense one-dimensional?
Low self-esteem is also self-sabotage. You are emotionally insecure because you can't quite believe that your boyfriend has chosen you. So what do you do? You get jealous, and then start to punish him. Yet you know that if you keep that up, you'll drive him away. Misplaced anger is a huge factor in low self-esteem. You shoot yourself in the foot, when really you should be systematically fighting whatever forces lead you to believe you were less than worthy. Why not quietly wander off to a counsellor and get help about handling that lack of self-worth? And stop fighting with your boyfriend.
Our Son Is Wasting His Life
Question
We are at the point of despair about our son and don't know what to do. He is almost 30 and has wasted his life since finishing school. He gave no trouble as a teenager, did well at school, and went off to college.
Then things went wrong. He took to drink, marijuana and more. He neglected his studies. And then he dropped out completely. For the past l0 years he's been wandering. He did a lot of travelling at first, visiting far away places, picking up casual work to keep himself going. But he's long finished travelling and is just drifting now. He returns home for months at a time and then he's gone again. His appetite is poor, his appearance has deteriorated, he looks 40 rather than 30, and admits to staying in squats when nothing else is available. Lately, even the casual work has been neglected and he's begun 'borrowing' cash from us, although we limit this as much as we can.
The only constant in his life has been drink and marijuana, which he refuses to quit. He has even had a couple of warnings from the Gardai along the way. He didn't get this example at home. We are a hard-working family, drink little and don't even smoke. We've begged him to get help, go into rehab, but he refuses.
He has achieved nothing in life and has no ambition. I'm sure he's unhappy with this existence, but he just says he doesn't know what he wants to do. We fear for his health and state of mind but he says everything is OK. Reading of so many young males being depressed, taking overdoses, finishing themselves off, we fear he may do something drastic, although he's not mentioned anything like this. What should we do?
Answer
Go on loving him is, of course, the first response. Love doesn't, however, mean foolishness. Your son is an addict. He buys booze, marijuana and maybe other stuff too. You don't give addicts money. Yes, I know you're aware of that and try to keep it to a minimum. But that's not enough. It was one thing having to step back and accept that he spent his own money feeding his addiction. It's another matter entirely to finance his addiction.
Yes, I know. There's a very fine line in the sand here. By taking him in, feeding, and minding him for months on end, you are also in a sense supporting his life-style. That's particularly true if during that time he continues to drink and take drugs, which I'm presuming he does. And there is a whole school of thought that says you shouldn't do that. On the other hand, it could be argued that by taking him in you're giving him the chance to find his footing again, particularly when he knows that you don't accept his addictive behaviour, but rather put it up to him that he should go to rehab. Truly, it's difficult to decide. Definitely, however, you should not give him money.
Addicts put us in a shockingly difficult position. Your son is clearly on a down-ward spiral, which is terribly painful to watch. He's already stopped earning. So how will he feed his habit? Clearly there's trouble ahead. But you can't stop him. He has to stop himself. All you can do is maintain contact without allowing yourself to be exploited. That doesn't just mean refusing any demands for money. It means facing the fact that you might have to ban him from the house if he starts stealing from you, or being abusive, or bringing trouble in the form of dealers, or debtors to your door. Not to mention letting him go to jail because you rightly refuse to go bail for him. Hardest of all, you can't allow fear for his safety to distort your vision.
It's so sad. Just don't tear yourself up about it. Your son, like all of us, got a hand of cards to play with, some duds, some great ones. He made his choices.
We are at the point of despair about our son and don't know what to do. He is almost 30 and has wasted his life since finishing school. He gave no trouble as a teenager, did well at school, and went off to college.
Then things went wrong. He took to drink, marijuana and more. He neglected his studies. And then he dropped out completely. For the past l0 years he's been wandering. He did a lot of travelling at first, visiting far away places, picking up casual work to keep himself going. But he's long finished travelling and is just drifting now. He returns home for months at a time and then he's gone again. His appetite is poor, his appearance has deteriorated, he looks 40 rather than 30, and admits to staying in squats when nothing else is available. Lately, even the casual work has been neglected and he's begun 'borrowing' cash from us, although we limit this as much as we can.
The only constant in his life has been drink and marijuana, which he refuses to quit. He has even had a couple of warnings from the Gardai along the way. He didn't get this example at home. We are a hard-working family, drink little and don't even smoke. We've begged him to get help, go into rehab, but he refuses.
He has achieved nothing in life and has no ambition. I'm sure he's unhappy with this existence, but he just says he doesn't know what he wants to do. We fear for his health and state of mind but he says everything is OK. Reading of so many young males being depressed, taking overdoses, finishing themselves off, we fear he may do something drastic, although he's not mentioned anything like this. What should we do?
Answer
Go on loving him is, of course, the first response. Love doesn't, however, mean foolishness. Your son is an addict. He buys booze, marijuana and maybe other stuff too. You don't give addicts money. Yes, I know you're aware of that and try to keep it to a minimum. But that's not enough. It was one thing having to step back and accept that he spent his own money feeding his addiction. It's another matter entirely to finance his addiction.
Yes, I know. There's a very fine line in the sand here. By taking him in, feeding, and minding him for months on end, you are also in a sense supporting his life-style. That's particularly true if during that time he continues to drink and take drugs, which I'm presuming he does. And there is a whole school of thought that says you shouldn't do that. On the other hand, it could be argued that by taking him in you're giving him the chance to find his footing again, particularly when he knows that you don't accept his addictive behaviour, but rather put it up to him that he should go to rehab. Truly, it's difficult to decide. Definitely, however, you should not give him money.
Addicts put us in a shockingly difficult position. Your son is clearly on a down-ward spiral, which is terribly painful to watch. He's already stopped earning. So how will he feed his habit? Clearly there's trouble ahead. But you can't stop him. He has to stop himself. All you can do is maintain contact without allowing yourself to be exploited. That doesn't just mean refusing any demands for money. It means facing the fact that you might have to ban him from the house if he starts stealing from you, or being abusive, or bringing trouble in the form of dealers, or debtors to your door. Not to mention letting him go to jail because you rightly refuse to go bail for him. Hardest of all, you can't allow fear for his safety to distort your vision.
It's so sad. Just don't tear yourself up about it. Your son, like all of us, got a hand of cards to play with, some duds, some great ones. He made his choices.
I Don't Fancy My Fiance
Question
I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost four years. We moved in together after six months and he proposed to me last autumn. We are getting married shortly and it's all very exciting. I'm 35 years old and before meeting him I had a string of disastrous relationships and felt very damaged when it came to men in general.
I love him, but the sex in our relationship has never been great. I never felt a strong sexual attraction to him, although I find him physically attractive, if that makes any sense. Since we started living together we've become very close but almost in a way that is empty of any romance. We are very affectionate to each other, kiss and hug a lot, but when it comes to anything else, the desire on both sides just don't seem to be there. He lost his job last summer and since then we've spent even more time together because I work shifts, but business has slowed down recently. I wonder has this exacerbated the situation as he is not feeling wonderful, and I think his self-esteem is a bit low.
I have only felt a really strong sex drive with men who were emotionally completely unavailable to me. Now this wonderful caring devoted man loves me and I can't seem to feel any desire for sex at all. Not that he is trying. We stayed for a few days in a friend's house recently - a long-weekend break, and he half initiated sex and I kind of backed off. When we got home, having had no sex at all, we had a huge argument and I said I didn't feel we were sexually compatible and neither did he. But then we made up and said we loved each other so much we were going to seek help. The wedding is in two months and I'm very worried about this. I contacted a marriage counsellor who suggested we come as a couple. This didn't bother me, but my fiancé did not want that. We're now organising separate consultations.
I have a feeling he expects our sex life to be like sex he would have had in the past when it wasn't a serious relationship - you know, spontaneous and exciting. I agree it could be like that in a loving relationship, but have continually tried to emphasize the point that we need to set the mood. He doesn't seem to get that. A typical night in, even when I try to wear something sexy, would be dinner, followed by sitting in front of the TV, with maybe him drifting off to go on the computer. Like I said, we're just seeing too much of each other lately, which I think is a big part of the problem.
To the outside world we look like the perfect couple, but I'm really scared that if we don't look into this now, and hopefully get some help, we will have major problems in the future and I really would love our marriage to last!! I would love someone to wave a magic wand because the rest of the relationship is fabulous. He is thoughtful and kind and adores me and I can't imagine my life without him.
Answer
Magic wands don't exist. It's hard graft when it comes to solving relationship difficulties I'm afraid. You both have to stop dodging. At the moment your letter - and hence your head - is so full of contradictions that it's hard to know where to begin. Let me ask some questions, which might help you sort it out.
I have no idea what's going on in your boyfriend's head. You don't know either, otherwise you would have told me. He has to speak. Is he interested in sex? Has he given up approaching you because you constantly turn him down? In other words, is he drifting off to the computer in the evenings because of despair or disinterest? And when did he give up trying? Is this a new development or a long-standing situation? Is he worried about how it will all pan out in marriage? What, exactly, is his solution? Why did he refuse a joint counselling session? Does he really not want to go at all? Or has he things to say he doesn't want to say to you? Or, on his part anyway, has this nothing to do with sex drive as such and everything to do with his current job situation? Is he depressed? Ask him.
You are far from clear about yourself too. You tell me you never felt much sexual desire for this man. And you know from experience that you can feel desire. You even have the important insight that you desired damaging men, but don't fancy this good man, who loves you. This is not about your boyfriend setting the scene for sex. It's not about candles, foreplay or the whispering of sweet nothings. It's an emotional block inside your own psyche, a wound in your heart and mind. No, of course I'm not blaming you. I'm just trying to explain that your sexual disinterest in the man you love is a problem you must solve for yourself - ideally with the help of a professional. It is your responsibility, not his.
I can see you care deeply for each other. But you are also both conflict-avoiders - and I don't mean you avoid rows. You avoid tricky issues. That means you're scared of having differences, or discussing painful issues. And it's not just sex. What do you say to each other about the fact that your boyfriend is a whole year out of work and you're getting married shortly? Are there concerned chats about money? How will you afford kids? Have you even talked about kids? It's time to take your courage in your hands and start talking - to each other.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost four years. We moved in together after six months and he proposed to me last autumn. We are getting married shortly and it's all very exciting. I'm 35 years old and before meeting him I had a string of disastrous relationships and felt very damaged when it came to men in general.
I love him, but the sex in our relationship has never been great. I never felt a strong sexual attraction to him, although I find him physically attractive, if that makes any sense. Since we started living together we've become very close but almost in a way that is empty of any romance. We are very affectionate to each other, kiss and hug a lot, but when it comes to anything else, the desire on both sides just don't seem to be there. He lost his job last summer and since then we've spent even more time together because I work shifts, but business has slowed down recently. I wonder has this exacerbated the situation as he is not feeling wonderful, and I think his self-esteem is a bit low.
I have only felt a really strong sex drive with men who were emotionally completely unavailable to me. Now this wonderful caring devoted man loves me and I can't seem to feel any desire for sex at all. Not that he is trying. We stayed for a few days in a friend's house recently - a long-weekend break, and he half initiated sex and I kind of backed off. When we got home, having had no sex at all, we had a huge argument and I said I didn't feel we were sexually compatible and neither did he. But then we made up and said we loved each other so much we were going to seek help. The wedding is in two months and I'm very worried about this. I contacted a marriage counsellor who suggested we come as a couple. This didn't bother me, but my fiancé did not want that. We're now organising separate consultations.
I have a feeling he expects our sex life to be like sex he would have had in the past when it wasn't a serious relationship - you know, spontaneous and exciting. I agree it could be like that in a loving relationship, but have continually tried to emphasize the point that we need to set the mood. He doesn't seem to get that. A typical night in, even when I try to wear something sexy, would be dinner, followed by sitting in front of the TV, with maybe him drifting off to go on the computer. Like I said, we're just seeing too much of each other lately, which I think is a big part of the problem.
To the outside world we look like the perfect couple, but I'm really scared that if we don't look into this now, and hopefully get some help, we will have major problems in the future and I really would love our marriage to last!! I would love someone to wave a magic wand because the rest of the relationship is fabulous. He is thoughtful and kind and adores me and I can't imagine my life without him.
Answer
Magic wands don't exist. It's hard graft when it comes to solving relationship difficulties I'm afraid. You both have to stop dodging. At the moment your letter - and hence your head - is so full of contradictions that it's hard to know where to begin. Let me ask some questions, which might help you sort it out.
I have no idea what's going on in your boyfriend's head. You don't know either, otherwise you would have told me. He has to speak. Is he interested in sex? Has he given up approaching you because you constantly turn him down? In other words, is he drifting off to the computer in the evenings because of despair or disinterest? And when did he give up trying? Is this a new development or a long-standing situation? Is he worried about how it will all pan out in marriage? What, exactly, is his solution? Why did he refuse a joint counselling session? Does he really not want to go at all? Or has he things to say he doesn't want to say to you? Or, on his part anyway, has this nothing to do with sex drive as such and everything to do with his current job situation? Is he depressed? Ask him.
You are far from clear about yourself too. You tell me you never felt much sexual desire for this man. And you know from experience that you can feel desire. You even have the important insight that you desired damaging men, but don't fancy this good man, who loves you. This is not about your boyfriend setting the scene for sex. It's not about candles, foreplay or the whispering of sweet nothings. It's an emotional block inside your own psyche, a wound in your heart and mind. No, of course I'm not blaming you. I'm just trying to explain that your sexual disinterest in the man you love is a problem you must solve for yourself - ideally with the help of a professional. It is your responsibility, not his.
I can see you care deeply for each other. But you are also both conflict-avoiders - and I don't mean you avoid rows. You avoid tricky issues. That means you're scared of having differences, or discussing painful issues. And it's not just sex. What do you say to each other about the fact that your boyfriend is a whole year out of work and you're getting married shortly? Are there concerned chats about money? How will you afford kids? Have you even talked about kids? It's time to take your courage in your hands and start talking - to each other.
My Wife Doesn't Fancy Me
Question
I'm sure I'm going to sound like some kind of cave man, someone who would be glad of any small compliment that might fall from the table of my wife. We are married 25 years, are both in our late-forties and both work hard to keep life - family, friends, children - all happy and close to us. At least I think we do.
Some years ago my wife started her own business, with my total agreement. In fact I was delighted for her and even supplied all the necessary funds for the start-up, renovated the building she rented, doing everything I could to help her be successful. Meanwhile, I am a self-employed builder, but also look after the house, the children, the whole domestic scene. My wife doesn't have to cook, clean or do any washing. I even make her breakfast before she leaves for work.
If I heard the words 'thank you' I might fall off the chair. Instead, all I hear is the door banging as she goes out. The only reason she might ring me during the day would be for a 999 call because she needs something urgently. If I ring, she always has a customer, or some hassle with an order, or is otherwise too busy to talk. Don't get me wrong. I love my wife to pieces, my heart misses a beat when she walks in, I sometimes just want to throw her up on my shoulder, carry her straight to bed and ravish her. But for her that would be a crazy thought. So I wouldn't embarrass myself by even suggesting an afternoon cuddle.
I have always had to make the sexual moves anyway. It has never yet been offered out of the blue. And it only happens once a week if I am lucky. If I try to push my luck, I get a very aggressive 'no'. It's a funny thing. I could have sex six days a week if I wanted to. As a small builder, most of the people I work for are women - well it's the women who are at home when the work is being done. And so many of them make explicit passes at me it's incredible. They are in and out of showers, hang around in their dressing gowns, leave their birth control pills on the bedside table, offer tea and intimate chats, and compliment me on my physique. I am fit, and I work out too.
There must be a gap of light years between men and women on the subject of sex. Being a man, I'm usually in awe of all the great-looking women I see in the supermarket. The country is full of them. But now I wonder how many of them are having sex with their husbands on a regular basis. In fact, I can't work it out. When I meet them while I'm working, they act seductively. But in their own bedrooms, with their own husbands, I'm not so sure. I mean, my wife is a real knockout too.
Other than that, our relationship is OK. But the business woman in her - and she is a very intelligent one at that - seems to have taken over. I am jealous and sad about losing the soft wife, mother, woman to the cold business-machine who comes home to me, and sometimes to the children. I've also learned that a man can't say too much on this topic to his wife. Constant rows about sex are exhausting and can involve a whole week of my wife not talking to me. On the other hand, I am sometimes terrified that I might take up one of the offers I regularly get from these other women, particularly when I'm at a low ebb.
Answer
No, you don't sound like a cave man - the bit about throwing her over your shoulder and carrying her off to bed sounds really romantic. Cave men aren't afraid of conflict. And they don't wait for breadcrumbs to fall from their wives' table. They fight their corner. You don't. You are an angry man who settles for fantasies instead.
Forget the sex for a moment. Your wife is not showing you proper respect. Sailing out the door without saying good-bye is just bad manners. So is the failure to be properly grateful. It's not that she's bringing her career-woman role into the home. The business world requires that she says please and thank you. She's just giving herself permission to be dismissive once she steps inside that door. That's not on.
You have to stand up for yourself. That means conquering your terror of confrontation. So she doesn't talk to you for a week. Big deal. It's a lot better than allowing her to think she can treat you ungraciously. And you know she's probably not even aware of it. To gain her respect, you have to stop taking the knocks. No, sex is not the place to start. This isn't about refusing to be sexy with you. It's about failing to see that you are really there.
This won't be fixed with one serious discussion.You're going to have to systematically teach your wife to respect you. You can do some of it with humour, asking where's the good-bye kiss, or where's the smile of thanks, or where's the funny story to light up your evening. You can also start doing less. She could make her own breakfast. Or you could miss one or two of her 999 calls. Or ask her to help. And then yes, there will be rows. No way round it.
I'm sure I'm going to sound like some kind of cave man, someone who would be glad of any small compliment that might fall from the table of my wife. We are married 25 years, are both in our late-forties and both work hard to keep life - family, friends, children - all happy and close to us. At least I think we do.
Some years ago my wife started her own business, with my total agreement. In fact I was delighted for her and even supplied all the necessary funds for the start-up, renovated the building she rented, doing everything I could to help her be successful. Meanwhile, I am a self-employed builder, but also look after the house, the children, the whole domestic scene. My wife doesn't have to cook, clean or do any washing. I even make her breakfast before she leaves for work.
If I heard the words 'thank you' I might fall off the chair. Instead, all I hear is the door banging as she goes out. The only reason she might ring me during the day would be for a 999 call because she needs something urgently. If I ring, she always has a customer, or some hassle with an order, or is otherwise too busy to talk. Don't get me wrong. I love my wife to pieces, my heart misses a beat when she walks in, I sometimes just want to throw her up on my shoulder, carry her straight to bed and ravish her. But for her that would be a crazy thought. So I wouldn't embarrass myself by even suggesting an afternoon cuddle.
I have always had to make the sexual moves anyway. It has never yet been offered out of the blue. And it only happens once a week if I am lucky. If I try to push my luck, I get a very aggressive 'no'. It's a funny thing. I could have sex six days a week if I wanted to. As a small builder, most of the people I work for are women - well it's the women who are at home when the work is being done. And so many of them make explicit passes at me it's incredible. They are in and out of showers, hang around in their dressing gowns, leave their birth control pills on the bedside table, offer tea and intimate chats, and compliment me on my physique. I am fit, and I work out too.
There must be a gap of light years between men and women on the subject of sex. Being a man, I'm usually in awe of all the great-looking women I see in the supermarket. The country is full of them. But now I wonder how many of them are having sex with their husbands on a regular basis. In fact, I can't work it out. When I meet them while I'm working, they act seductively. But in their own bedrooms, with their own husbands, I'm not so sure. I mean, my wife is a real knockout too.
Other than that, our relationship is OK. But the business woman in her - and she is a very intelligent one at that - seems to have taken over. I am jealous and sad about losing the soft wife, mother, woman to the cold business-machine who comes home to me, and sometimes to the children. I've also learned that a man can't say too much on this topic to his wife. Constant rows about sex are exhausting and can involve a whole week of my wife not talking to me. On the other hand, I am sometimes terrified that I might take up one of the offers I regularly get from these other women, particularly when I'm at a low ebb.
Answer
No, you don't sound like a cave man - the bit about throwing her over your shoulder and carrying her off to bed sounds really romantic. Cave men aren't afraid of conflict. And they don't wait for breadcrumbs to fall from their wives' table. They fight their corner. You don't. You are an angry man who settles for fantasies instead.
Forget the sex for a moment. Your wife is not showing you proper respect. Sailing out the door without saying good-bye is just bad manners. So is the failure to be properly grateful. It's not that she's bringing her career-woman role into the home. The business world requires that she says please and thank you. She's just giving herself permission to be dismissive once she steps inside that door. That's not on.
You have to stand up for yourself. That means conquering your terror of confrontation. So she doesn't talk to you for a week. Big deal. It's a lot better than allowing her to think she can treat you ungraciously. And you know she's probably not even aware of it. To gain her respect, you have to stop taking the knocks. No, sex is not the place to start. This isn't about refusing to be sexy with you. It's about failing to see that you are really there.
This won't be fixed with one serious discussion.You're going to have to systematically teach your wife to respect you. You can do some of it with humour, asking where's the good-bye kiss, or where's the smile of thanks, or where's the funny story to light up your evening. You can also start doing less. She could make her own breakfast. Or you could miss one or two of her 999 calls. Or ask her to help. And then yes, there will be rows. No way round it.
My Husband And Sister Had A Fling
Question
My husband and my sister had a one-night drunken fling. It came to light shortly before a large family reunion, when she told my mother she couldn't attend as my husband had raped her and she couldn't be in the same room with him. My mother didn't tell anyone at the time.
When the story finally came out, my sister phoned me and repeated the allegation to me. She also suggested she would be scared for the safety of my children, and that my husband had to be stopped. When I confronted him, he admitted the fling immediately, but denied absolutely the allegation that he had raped my sister. And I knew in my heart he would never interfere with our children.
I could not believe all the deception on both their parts and was, of course, gutted. At this stage my entire family knew the story and it split them right down the middle, one half believing the rape story and the other half believing my husband. Shortly afterwards, my mother tragically died in an accident and the funeral was so tense it was exhausting. At a later family meeting, my sister admitted she had been a willing participant in the sordid affair. And I stuck by my husband. He is a good man, a good father, and I love him.
Now that everything has 'gone back to normal', I find myself reliving the night of their fling over and over in my mind. I feel cheated in every way. What I thought I had with my husband, and the relationship I thought I had with my sister, all distorted now. My father and siblings all live abroad, and I feel alone most of the time. My relationship with my husband is not good. Although I felt I forgave him, I am angry with him a lot of the time.
How do I get rid of the anger? I want things to go back to the way they were before this whole mess developed.
Answer
The past cannot, of course, be undone. But you can take another look. At the time you were shell-shocked. Then your mother died. So you were frozen with grief too. In that kind of scenario we don't process our feelings properly, putting them to one side instead while we deal with the crises. Now it's pay-back time. That anger you feel is your legitimate sense of outrage, knocking on the door for proper recognition.
The betrayal by your husband was huge. I don't know exactly how we grade wrong-doing, but on any scale of 1-10 he scores very high. Context matters when it comes to doing something we shouldn't do. Unfaithfulness with anyone is bad. Having if off with your wife's sister is infinitely worse. Not only does it automatically involve sisterly betrayal as well. It also lets you down within your family and creates havoc amongst family members. You've described all that. I'm just not sure that you have allowed yourself to properly feel it. In biblical language, your husband deserves to be horse-whipped. And no, that's not an invitation to violence. It's a metaphor. Your anger is justified.
The betrayal by your sister was beyond huge. Whatever about the actual infidelity, she went on to tell the world a terrible tale. Why didn't she keep it a secret? And why did she escalate the scene to call your husband not only a rapist, but also a potential paedophile? Either she chooses to be truly evil, or else she is in serious need of psychiatric help. Either way, she did not behave like a sister to you. She did not even behave like a civil human being.
You have to make a stand, take up a clear emotional position on what happened. No, I'm not suggesting you throw your husband out. But he needs to hear how badly you were hurt. He needs to listen, and make serious amends. He owes you true remorse. You have to acknowledge too, the true awfulness of your sister's behaviour. Sick, or just plain bad, she's toxic. Deal with it.
My husband and my sister had a one-night drunken fling. It came to light shortly before a large family reunion, when she told my mother she couldn't attend as my husband had raped her and she couldn't be in the same room with him. My mother didn't tell anyone at the time.
When the story finally came out, my sister phoned me and repeated the allegation to me. She also suggested she would be scared for the safety of my children, and that my husband had to be stopped. When I confronted him, he admitted the fling immediately, but denied absolutely the allegation that he had raped my sister. And I knew in my heart he would never interfere with our children.
I could not believe all the deception on both their parts and was, of course, gutted. At this stage my entire family knew the story and it split them right down the middle, one half believing the rape story and the other half believing my husband. Shortly afterwards, my mother tragically died in an accident and the funeral was so tense it was exhausting. At a later family meeting, my sister admitted she had been a willing participant in the sordid affair. And I stuck by my husband. He is a good man, a good father, and I love him.
Now that everything has 'gone back to normal', I find myself reliving the night of their fling over and over in my mind. I feel cheated in every way. What I thought I had with my husband, and the relationship I thought I had with my sister, all distorted now. My father and siblings all live abroad, and I feel alone most of the time. My relationship with my husband is not good. Although I felt I forgave him, I am angry with him a lot of the time.
How do I get rid of the anger? I want things to go back to the way they were before this whole mess developed.
Answer
The past cannot, of course, be undone. But you can take another look. At the time you were shell-shocked. Then your mother died. So you were frozen with grief too. In that kind of scenario we don't process our feelings properly, putting them to one side instead while we deal with the crises. Now it's pay-back time. That anger you feel is your legitimate sense of outrage, knocking on the door for proper recognition.
The betrayal by your husband was huge. I don't know exactly how we grade wrong-doing, but on any scale of 1-10 he scores very high. Context matters when it comes to doing something we shouldn't do. Unfaithfulness with anyone is bad. Having if off with your wife's sister is infinitely worse. Not only does it automatically involve sisterly betrayal as well. It also lets you down within your family and creates havoc amongst family members. You've described all that. I'm just not sure that you have allowed yourself to properly feel it. In biblical language, your husband deserves to be horse-whipped. And no, that's not an invitation to violence. It's a metaphor. Your anger is justified.
The betrayal by your sister was beyond huge. Whatever about the actual infidelity, she went on to tell the world a terrible tale. Why didn't she keep it a secret? And why did she escalate the scene to call your husband not only a rapist, but also a potential paedophile? Either she chooses to be truly evil, or else she is in serious need of psychiatric help. Either way, she did not behave like a sister to you. She did not even behave like a civil human being.
You have to make a stand, take up a clear emotional position on what happened. No, I'm not suggesting you throw your husband out. But he needs to hear how badly you were hurt. He needs to listen, and make serious amends. He owes you true remorse. You have to acknowledge too, the true awfulness of your sister's behaviour. Sick, or just plain bad, she's toxic. Deal with it.
My Husband Spends Too Much
Question
We are a married couple with five young children and both work very hard to keep up with the demands of family life and to weather the current economic crisis. My husband is a good man who prides himself on being a good provider and who takes every opportunity he can to make a bit of extra money.
He enjoys a few pints at the weekend and I generally have no problem with this as long as it doesn't mean the kids going without something they need, or the drink resulting in him being tired and cranky with us on Monday mornings. Lately, however, he is going out two or three nights over the weekend. We really can't afford this. His response is that a man is entitled to unwind and relax in the company of friends, and forget about the worries of the week.
I don't spend money foolishly on myself. I haven't bought any new clothes at all this year. I also have to budget for the back-to-school costs come September. We didn't have a proper holiday last year and certainly won't be having one this year. On the other hand, I hate nagging my husband about this. He does deserve a bit of a break at the weekends. But by the time a taxi is paid for at the end of the night, the costs of his nights out soon add up to a considerable sum of money each month.
I just wish that this money was put to better use for us all. But how do I handle this without constantly coming across as a nagging wife?
Answer
It sounds as though you're managing the money. Certainly you're taking the responsibility for seeing to the family's needs. So while your husband is the one who is out there earning the cash, he's also the one who is removed from financial reality. By taking responsibility, you're allowing him to hide. It is good that you appreciate his role as breadwinner. It is not good that you take the next step and facilitate his selfishness by juggling with the budget, all on your own.
I do not wish to knock you. But by trying to be good, you've helped create the situation where you come across as the nagging wife. You have taken the role of the grown-up, the mature one, the forward-planner, the worrier, while your husband has retreated into childishness. And it's not just that you juggle the money alone. Think about it. Why have you bought no new clothes this year? Sure, your husband works hard. But so do you. And while he does deserve a break, which for him is a few pints, so do you. How come then, that you do without?
Let me put it more provocatively. Why are you so damn grateful that your husband earns money? He has a wife and five children. Working is what he's supposed to do. The fact that he does his duty in terms of bringing home a pay-check doesn't mean he can dodge his duty on other fronts. You and he are partners, two grown-up people keeping a family together, loving their children, supporting each other, a team. Of course you should respect him. But your husband should respect you too. There is no place in any marriage for selfishness. That is most particularly true when the budget is tight.
Stop mothering your husband and start allowing him to regain reality. Sit down and work out a budget together. You can supply the details, since you're on top of them. But he has to see them, and discuss targets, and how to reach them. Those targets must include disposable income, however, small, for your own personal needs. Writing yourself out of the equation is just another way of playing mama. And everything must be out on the table. A few drinks on say a Saturday night may be fine. But why not a bus home instead of a taxi? It's all up for grabs.
Finally, all of us need to make a clear distinction between deserving something, and having it as a right. Your husband does deserve a break - in the sense that it would seem fair that he should have some time out. He has no absolute right to a break. He can't spend money at the expense of you having nothing to spend, or you worrying about school clothes, or you having no break. Do you understand? His need to relax must be balanced by your need to relax. Otherwise you are back to being the mama, while he is needy child. And then you're the nagging wife, when the child gets more demanding, and one night out becomes three, and he drinks too much, leaving him tired and bad-tempered on a Monday morning.
We are a married couple with five young children and both work very hard to keep up with the demands of family life and to weather the current economic crisis. My husband is a good man who prides himself on being a good provider and who takes every opportunity he can to make a bit of extra money.
He enjoys a few pints at the weekend and I generally have no problem with this as long as it doesn't mean the kids going without something they need, or the drink resulting in him being tired and cranky with us on Monday mornings. Lately, however, he is going out two or three nights over the weekend. We really can't afford this. His response is that a man is entitled to unwind and relax in the company of friends, and forget about the worries of the week.
I don't spend money foolishly on myself. I haven't bought any new clothes at all this year. I also have to budget for the back-to-school costs come September. We didn't have a proper holiday last year and certainly won't be having one this year. On the other hand, I hate nagging my husband about this. He does deserve a bit of a break at the weekends. But by the time a taxi is paid for at the end of the night, the costs of his nights out soon add up to a considerable sum of money each month.
I just wish that this money was put to better use for us all. But how do I handle this without constantly coming across as a nagging wife?
Answer
It sounds as though you're managing the money. Certainly you're taking the responsibility for seeing to the family's needs. So while your husband is the one who is out there earning the cash, he's also the one who is removed from financial reality. By taking responsibility, you're allowing him to hide. It is good that you appreciate his role as breadwinner. It is not good that you take the next step and facilitate his selfishness by juggling with the budget, all on your own.
I do not wish to knock you. But by trying to be good, you've helped create the situation where you come across as the nagging wife. You have taken the role of the grown-up, the mature one, the forward-planner, the worrier, while your husband has retreated into childishness. And it's not just that you juggle the money alone. Think about it. Why have you bought no new clothes this year? Sure, your husband works hard. But so do you. And while he does deserve a break, which for him is a few pints, so do you. How come then, that you do without?
Let me put it more provocatively. Why are you so damn grateful that your husband earns money? He has a wife and five children. Working is what he's supposed to do. The fact that he does his duty in terms of bringing home a pay-check doesn't mean he can dodge his duty on other fronts. You and he are partners, two grown-up people keeping a family together, loving their children, supporting each other, a team. Of course you should respect him. But your husband should respect you too. There is no place in any marriage for selfishness. That is most particularly true when the budget is tight.
Stop mothering your husband and start allowing him to regain reality. Sit down and work out a budget together. You can supply the details, since you're on top of them. But he has to see them, and discuss targets, and how to reach them. Those targets must include disposable income, however, small, for your own personal needs. Writing yourself out of the equation is just another way of playing mama. And everything must be out on the table. A few drinks on say a Saturday night may be fine. But why not a bus home instead of a taxi? It's all up for grabs.
Finally, all of us need to make a clear distinction between deserving something, and having it as a right. Your husband does deserve a break - in the sense that it would seem fair that he should have some time out. He has no absolute right to a break. He can't spend money at the expense of you having nothing to spend, or you worrying about school clothes, or you having no break. Do you understand? His need to relax must be balanced by your need to relax. Otherwise you are back to being the mama, while he is needy child. And then you're the nagging wife, when the child gets more demanding, and one night out becomes three, and he drinks too much, leaving him tired and bad-tempered on a Monday morning.
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