7th June 2009
Question
I am 40, married for three years, and my husband is 45 years old. I am feeling very fragile as I write this letter, very much at the end of the line in terms of coping with my husband's behaviour. We knew each other for five years before getting married. I came from a stable and loving background, while he had a difficult childhood, suffering emotional abuse on a daily basis.
My husband has no confidence and finds making decisions, or taking responsibility, extremely difficult. However, the biggest problem is his anger and rage, which I witness on a daily basis. I simply never know what mood he is going to be in. It varies between depressed, anxious, or plain angry. I find myself on alert at all times.
We do not have sex any longer as he is not interested in me in this way. I feel unloved, unwanted and rejected. I still care deeply for this man, but feel trapped and cannot see any way through this. I have given endless support, reassurance and love and it has made no difference. He cannot let go of his past and will not go for help. My idea of marriage was to find someone who is an anchor, a refuge, loving, strong - and to be all those things for him too. But most of all I wanted someone who takes responsibility for themselves and who gives to the relationship, making life a happier place, not a hell for others. I'm at a loss to know how to proceed.
Answer
Your husband has managed his life thus far. He can cope. It's just not easy to live with the way he handles things. Not for you anyway. No, I don't see his approach as ideal. It's not. But it is the way he survives. You and I could talk forever about how he could do it differently, how he needs help, how damaged he is. But that's all decidedly beside the point. He's doing it his way, and he doesn't want to alter anything.
You went on a rescue mission, hoping to fix him and his faulty problem solving strategies. Maybe the whole relationship was based on a rescue bid by you - without you realising it of course - I don't know. Love very often leads us down that particular path. Such rescue is always an attempt at a personality make-over. It is always seen by a loved-one as a failure to accept who they are. It always engenders resentment, and some unhappy mix of anger and withdrawal. Both parties invariably feel unloved. It never works.
Respect is the foundation of all relationships. That doesn't entail liking everything the person does - far from it. It means appreciating the basic integrity of a human being, the inherent meaningfulness of the way he proceeds. Your husband was abused as a child. Clearly the only way he can handle that right now is with a combination of rage, anxiety and desire to dodge too much personal responsibility. I understand why you tried to help. You need to understand that such attempts at help constitute a lack of respect - and your husband feels that.
The spotlight, in other words, needs to be turned on you. No, I'm not blaming you, not criticising you, not misunderstanding you. All I'm saying is that there's no point examining your husband. Finding a solution involves focussing on you. Were you, in truth, on a mission when you married him? What need did that fulfil in you? Why did you choose him when what you thought you were looking for was an anchor? And now that the mission to improve your husband has failed - as fail it must - can you live with that? Can you respect your him as he is? Can you stop helping him and just accept the struggling human being you're married to?
The point I'm trying to make is that helping someone - beyond the obvious kind and loving everyday - is actually an attempt to make ourselves more comfortable. You do not like the way your husband tackles life. Trying to live with it takes you outside your comfort zone. So you wear yourself out attempting to ensure your husband does it differently. That's what you have to face, and think through, in order to decide how best to proceed.
Finally, I am not saying your husband is incapable of changing. I am saying that you can't change him. You can only change yourself. In so doing, of course, you take the pressure off. That, in turn, might give your husband the space to move on. But there are no guarantees.
