7th June, 2009
Question
I am a 24 year old woman who has just finished college and needless to say, this is not the best time to be entering the workforce.
I am having a very difficult time dealing with my parents due to the stress they are putting on me to get a job and move out of the family home. On top of this, my mother is going through the menopause, I think, and is always in terrible form, using me as a target for her anger. Because of this, my hate for her is intensifying so much that I want to just tell her exactly how I feel.
I am so trapped, with no prospects of being financially in a position to move out anytime in the near future. Yet the thought of staying in the family home is just something I cannot cope with.
Answer
You've tied yourself in a pretty knot haven't you? You can't move out and you can't stay in. Who could be surprised that you're finding it difficult. Let's try to disentangle your dilemma.
Why do you only ‘think' that your mother is going through the menopause? Why don't you know? Has she no idea herself? Are you too angry to ask? Are you interested at all in whether or not she's having a hard time, emotionally and physically? Or are you just too angry to ask at the moment? Or are you using the notion of menopause as what the psychologists might call a displacement strategy, a way of suggesting your mother is simply unreasonable, irrational, off the wall, with no reason to be cheesed off with you? Sure, lots of mothers use their daughters as targets for their distress. Such things happen. A reality check might help none-the-less. Perhaps you're driving a totally non-menopausal saintly mother insane. It's possible too. Yes, I am poking fun at you, just a little. I'm hoping it will make you smile, well later anyway.
Living in the family home is never easy for an adult child. Parents want to run their homes their way. Adult children dislike being told what to do. Both parties are right. In that sense, it's an insoluble problem. The kids just shouldn't be there, beyond a certain age. So no-one's saying it's easy. You can, however, make it more tolerable.
At the moment, what I'm hearing is a child stuck in reaction mode, with rather awful parents - in your case primarily your mother - powerless to do anything other than feel anger and resentment. Such thinking at this stage is just a habit - you're 24, not 14 - a habit that is being reinforced by your current dependence due to lack of a job. Fixing this requires a change in mind-set. So step outside your situation and look in at what's going on.
Your parents want you out, you say. Why? Well, in their minds your presence represents a set-back in what they hoped for you. They're disappointed, not in you, but in the fates that left you sitting on their doorstep. They wish life were different. When they see your distress, it rings bells of failed ambition for them. The fact that it frustrates you too only makes it worse for them. A grown up 24 year old would recognise their unhappiness, and move to dissipate it by being upbeat. They'd be happier, in other words, if you were thinking positive. So, for matter, would you. Certainly the job market is different than it was two years ago. You just have to start some lateral thinking and look in different career directions. Above all, you need to reassure your parents that you're made of stern stuff, and will find a solution.
Then there's money. Even if it's not tight, it's still a sobering wake-up call for parents to find they have to finance an adult child. It's not just about the money, but about the ongoing role of doling out the dosh, deciding how much is enough, feeling embarrassed because it's an adult they are dealing with. For you that means finding some source of income, however humble the task. Financial independence is always more important that job status, believe me, even if it's only relative independence. And you can contribute your labour, if you can't contribute money. Do all the housework. Cook the dinner each day. Take the bins out. Cut the grass. Turn yourself into a domestic goddess - and with a smile. Plug in the ipod and sing while you work.
And then there's the question of house rules. Adults can be casual with friends about their comings and goings. Beyond a certain point, they don't feel responsible for each other. Parents never shake off their sense of responsibility for their kids. They also tend to feel they should be inclusive - not make dinner just for themselves but for you too, even if they're not sure when you're coming in. And yes, I suppose you could say parents become somewhat rigid. You get that way, when time teaches you to worry, robs you of energy, ingrains a habit of controlling. Politeness solves that one. Just ring when you're not going to be around, leave notes if you're going out, discuss pending plans - you get the message.
You don't have to do a big discussion routine if you don't feel up to it. Change yourself and the atmosphere will change. Dig deep and find a light way of suggesting to your mother that she should kick the cat rather than lash you with her tongue. And get out regularly with your friends for a giggle. Humour is the great stress buster. It gives us perspective. Remember, this is only a phase in your life. It will pass. Are you smiling yet?
