Patricia Redlich

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I Have No Friends And A History Of Depression

31st May 2009


Question
I am a teen with a history of depression. With help of therapy and anti-depressants I have tried to put my life back together, but to no avail. I was bullied when I was very young, and started self-harming at the age of 12. As a result, I am very shy and I find it very difficult to make friends. In fact I have no friends. I recently wrote a book and sent it off to a publisher, trying to get it published, to no avail. This made my mood slip even lower and made me attempt suicide recently.

I have a very loving mother, who is a great support to me, but other than that I have no-one else in the world. I'm also going into a difficult year at school next autumn and I am afraid I might crack. I don't know what to do.

Answer
The thought processes of victims are becoming more and more apparent on this page aren't they? In fact the whole shaping of a victim's mindset is getting clearer isn't it?

You were bullied when you were small. You didn't know how to defend yourself. So you started self-harming. Unable to express anger towards the world which was treating you badly, you took your anger out on yourself. Others might have smashed up their bedroom, or a neighbour's car, or mother's best dishes. You blamed yourself, and started cutting, or whatever form your self-harm takes. Mixed in with your anger was a form of self-hate. Instead of despising the bullies, you sort of joined forces with them and despised yourself. Psychologists would say you internalised your anger. It's a behaviour pattern which you need to break. Victims, however, don't feel they have any power. How can you break a behaviour pattern, if you've no power?  Isn't that it?

You're bright. Can't you see the catch? You're living in a time warp. When you were small and defenceless, some mindless idiots picked on you, exposed your very real helplessness, played on it, and you developed your victim mindset. The point is, you're not that little child anymore. Even if you don't feel physically powerful, you are certainly capable of being intellectually powerful now. You wrote a book. You can write your own life-script, or rewrite it.

What's getting in your way is the other plague of victim status, namely unrealistic expectations. You wrote a book, which was wonderful. It was rejected for publication, which is normal. You took it hard, which was unrealistic. This is where being a teenager and being a victim forms such an unhappy alliance. You're too young to have the wisdom, indeed the knowledge, that publishing is a tough business. And victims of every age take failure badly, make too big a thing of it, are unrealistic about how life really works, and hence feel both anguished and very very angry when something doesn't work out - anger which then feeds their low self-esteem.

Sorry. I'm writing a psychological treatise here aren't I? I'm just trying to appeal to your obvious intelligence, since the written word can't wrap you in the kind of warmth that a personal session with a therapist might.

I stumbled across an excellent movie on TV recently. 'Stranger Than Fiction' it was called, the story of a man who realised he was a character in a well-know author's book, his life being written as he lived it. I know that sounds crappy, but actually it was a brilliant movie. It gave me the idea about you writing your own script. Because we do, actually, write our own scripts. Our unconscious minds are constantly at the creative task of trying to guide us safely through life's vicissitudes. That sometimes means living in the shadows, as you do with your depression.

Our task in life is to regularly do a reality check. Do I still need to hide? Or maybe, more precisely, is there another, better, way to hide, now that I'm older, and less helpless? What appropriate outlet is there for the real me? Like I said, you write the script. And here are some thoughts, merely from my perspective, yours to build on, or totally disregard:  You are bright, creative and have the staying power to write a whole book. You have the capacity to be on your own. See all that as a huge strength. You are young and physically healthy. Use that by taking up some sport, to create a better body/mind balance and help dissipate legitimate anger. Better still, do some martial art, which will also leave you feeling powerful without having to prove it. Check out some physical therapy such as acupuncture to help combat the depression. Hang onto your therapist as a sounding board for faulty thinking - an inevitable part of being a teen. Recognise the responsibility you have to your mother. You can't commit suicide and leave her with the consequences. That's what loving people is all about, hanging in there.
 
Irish based professional therapist and journalist. Website By : Deise Design