14th June, 2009
Question
I'm 33 and have been married for five years. My wife and I have had a happy marriage in the main, but lately I've come to the conclusion that I may be emotionally lonely. I was on a week-long course run by my company recently and got chatting to a woman I had met briefly a year ago. I found myself not mentioning the fact that I was married and at the end of the night she asked me to go back to her place where we chatted some more and had a good laugh. I suppose I was asking myself all the time what I was doing there and I knew I didn't want to be unfaithful to my wife. But I was enjoying the attention I was getting. After a while I left to go back to my hotel, probably leaving this woman confused, while I felt guilty for getting myself into an awkward situation.
I then realised that my wife depends on me a lot. She is always thinking about her job and the pressure she is under and I have to listen. If her family upset her, I have to listen. If the house is in a mess and there is no food in the fridge it's all my fault. If I say something jokingly about her, she gets upset instead of seeing that I'm only trying to have a bit of fun and flirt. I support my wife in any way I can, always trying to make her life easier, but there is inevitably something or someone she will be bothered about.
I have told my wife that I cannot cope with all her issues, all the time, despite my best efforts, and tried to explain that I, too, have needs and emotions but nobody ever asks how I'm doing. But she invariably gets upset about that, and accuses me of being unsupportive, when all I'm trying to do is express my feelings in the most constructive way possible. I realise that I may be portraying my wife in a bad light, and I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I know that I have things I need to work on within our relationship. But I feel my wife views me the same way children view a parent, expecting things to be fixed for them, and disinterested in whatever problems the parent may have.
I love my wife and want our marriage to work. How can I get her to see where I'm coming from? I want her to be the one I can flirt with, and laugh with, and feel free and easy with. We did have that in the early days of our marriage. And I feel terrible that I let myself get into a situation on a night out that could have potentially ruined my marriage.
Answer
Temptation is no shame, and you handled it well. It is a wake-up call, which you've rightly worked out. No, you're not painting your wife in a bad light. You're painting yourself in a bother-some, and entirely accurate light. You have allowed yourself to become the punch-bag in your relationship. For the sake of your marriage, as you rightly say, you have to change that.
Your wife is not dependent on you. She's using you as a scapegoat for her stress. There is a fine, but very definite line, between using a partner as a sounding board for our distress, and burdening a marriage to the point of potential breakdown. Said differently, if your wife is so stressed that she can only cope by being this bleak, then she has to change her life-style. She has to ditch the job, or seek counselling for anxiety, or whatever it takes. No, I'm not picking on your wife. Everybody needs a little help from their friends. But anyone who is in semi-permanent crisis has to change their circumstances. Otherwise they abuse those who love them, however unintentionally.
All that, of course, is your wife's responsibility. Your responsibility to is stop rolling with the punches. Ban the phrase “being supportive” and find some gentle but firm formula for altering your interaction with each other. If you could find humour in the process that would be a huge plus. People who are stressed are taking themselves way too seriously. They are hooked on having a hard time. Call her tantrums her little girl routine, give her a hug and go out for a pint, or something like that. And don't entertain the blame game, or think of yourself as a victim. If she says it's your fault there's no food in the house then smile and suggest going out for a pizza. I've no easy formula, but you get my drift. People only dump on us when we allow them to do so.
Like many young couples, you're talking way too much about issues. Such discussions are exhausting and change nothing. Action, however, does. So change the status-quo, however you do it. If pushed, simply stick to saying that you're trying to save your marriage. And then suggest a cuddle.
