Question
I'm 40 years old and as a result of the recession, find myself in a position I never thought possible.
I am married with three beautiful children. My husband is a very good, kind, hard-working man who leaves the running of the household to me. Up to last June I had a good job, earning sizeable money, and was then made redundant. I also had bank shares, which are now wiped out, leaving me with no safety net.
My husband is totally unaware of our predicament as I am 100% sure that if I share this with him, he will leave me. The problem is that, unknown to my husband, I have substantial debts in my own name and now I cannot meet the repayments. I have talked to the various companies involved but nobody will restructure the loans for me. I am reluctant to go to MABS as I know they will want to involve my husband. But if he becomes involved, my marriage is over. I cannot let that happen, for the sake of our children.
I look like I have it all, lovely house, lovely children, lovely husband. But on the inside I'm in a knot. The only thing stopping me from taking the ultimate step is my children. I know I could never leave them. I am crying writing this. I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats. I spend my days avoiding phone calls and tearing up letters from creditors. I just don't know what to do. I am ashamed to go to my family. I can fully understand why people end it all because nobody wants to know if you have financial worries. People want to talk about the recession, but only on a global scale. They don't want to make it personal.
My husband pays the mortgage and other bills. And because he knows nothing of my debts, he believes my social welfare payment should keep me going - which of course it should. I don't know where to turn at this point. But please don't start your advice with the statement that I should tell my husband, because I cannot do that.
Answer
OK, I won't say you should tell your husband. There's something bigger than that we have to talk about anyway. And you are in such a panic at the moment that it's going to be hard for you to listen to anything I have to say. I don't know if you've ever had an actual panic attack. But ask anyone who has. The panic makes us literally deaf and blind, blanks out our thinking process, throws rationality to the winds. It's terrible, I know.
Panic attacks, mercifully, have a time-limit. The body and mind can't remain at that high level of terror, so something kicks in, and the panic recedes. Panic, in other words, is an acute condition. You, however, are suffering from sustained panic, or chronic high anxiety. Relief does not kick in. I understand how awful that is. Cool reasoning is not easy for you at the moment. In fact it may be well nigh impossible. I just want you to be aware of that as you listen.
You have been taken over by your debts, possessed if you like, as people used to say. You've almost entirely lost sight of yourself as a human being. The problem of your debts has grown so big, that it threatens to obliterate all of who you are, mother, wife, friend, sister, neighbour, daughter, threatens to overshadow how much you love your children and husband, and how much they love and need you. And yes, that's a state of mind that can lead to suicide. Thankfully that hasn't happened, but it's easy to understand the danger.
Part of the problem is the degree of guilt and shame you feel. Yes, you got yourself into debt. Yes, it was a mistake, albeit compounded by the sheer bad luck of the world going into recession. And yes, you are responsible for your actions. A certain amount of guilt, remorse and shame is appropriate whenever we derail like that. Overwhelming guilt and shame, however, is never appropriate - understandable sometimes, but never appropriate. There's a simple reason for that.
Human beings are more important than the mistakes they make. Thinking you're totally worthless because you ran up serious debt is a simple case of having the wrong standards. A mistake, no matter how serious, can never be the sum total of a human being's worth. Let me put it even more clearly. If you don't see the debts as a mistake; if, instead, you, your husband and the world around you see your debts as a deliberate act of foolishness, weakness, bad behaviour if you wish - even then, your debts are not the sum total of who you are. You are infinitely more important than your weakness. Do you understand?
Believe me, this isn't a problem about telling your husband. This is a problem about how you see yourself. You're beating yourself up so badly about your debts, that you believe, indeed expect, that the world will do likewise. Don't you think it's interesting that you think debts make you some kind of social leper? That you see it as the sin of all sins? Don't you see that that is a false value? Yes, it may well be accurate that your family wouldn't want to lend you money. It's a tricky business, lending people money. But that's very different to listening and trying to help you out of your current panic.
Life is one long exercise in forgiveness. That's because human beings can be weak, fallible, stupid, unwise, unkind, unthinking, unloving, and regularly let others down. No, we don't condone such shortcomings. We just understand. And are particularly ready to forgive when someone is sorry. Such forgiveness doesn't just apply to others. We have to learn to forgive ourselves. Your battle, in other words, is with yourself. The debts are serious. We've got that. Now they need to be dealt with, in the company of others. Why not have an initial consultation with MABS, the money advice organisation? Just to break your loneliness and silence on the subject?
