Question
I find it very hard to fancy someone. When I do, I fall for them really hard and it takes me months, sometimes years, to get over them. In recent years I have fallen for men whom I met through work. They have been very intelligent and great company and I have seriously fancied them - even fallen deeply in love. They tell me, and show me, that they are crazy about me. However, all of them have been in relationships, so my relationship with them was always platonic. I would never break up a couple. But in the process of falling for them, and then grieving for them, I'm closed off to meeting someone else.
I am 31, a former model, have a great job, and am great at living life to the full. I get asked out a huge amount of times, even when I'm just out for a walk, or in a supermarket. I don't mean to sound vain, but I am extremely good-looking and this is something a lot of people comment on. For me it has been more of a problem than a plus, the reason being that men can see me as a trophy, and women can see me as a threat, so I get very badly hurt. I usually keep this to myself as nobody will have empathy if they think you are saying that "it's tough to be beautiful".
I really really want to meet someone, but I haven't had a proper boyfriend in nearly 10 years. I am not gay. I have questioned this, but I'm not. I really wouldn't care if I was. I just want to love someone and for them to love me. I have so much to give, but I'm terribly fussy. Please help. I don't want to end up alone. There is something blocking me from finding love and I really don't know what it is.
Answer
Beauty is like financial riches. It can cloud the issue of why someone is really in your life. So yes, it can be tough to be beautiful.
You, however, are making it an awful lot tougher. Look at what you're telling me. You fall for married, or otherwise committed men. They adore you. And then you back off. And you wonder why other women see you as a threat? Don't you think they know that you either like the safety of the unattainable, or the conquest of someone else's man? Either way, can't you see that this makes you an enemy? And do you think it helps for one minute, that you proclaim you would never break a couple up? Don't you see that the exercise of your power is what makes you so dangerous to be around? The fact that other peoples' happiness is in your control?
Believe me, I am not trying to be nasty to you. I am trying to tear down the veil which stops you seeing the truth, namely that you are the maker of your own destiny. It's not your beauty which is isolating you. It's your behaviour. And yes, I do understand that there is something serious blocking you from finding real love. You're dodging any kind of sexual involvement. Falling for men in committed relationships, combined with an attitude of never breaking up a couple, means you can keep it platonic. You get all the attention you crave, carve out a kind of controlled intimacy, but never have to take the sexual plunge. And no, I don't think you are gay either. At least it's not the only possible explanation. I think you could well have been emotionally damaged at some early point in your life, leaving you either terrified of sexual involvement, or else hooked on seduction, which is all the more compelling because it is never consummated. No, it is never a good idea to try and make a diagnosis on the basis of one letter. I'm not doing so. I'm just trying to paint some possible scenarios.
You're not fussy, as you put it. You are emotionally crippled, or blocked as you say yourself, which is very different. And yes, this handicap is relegating you to a very lonely life. I don't like suggesting therapy all the time, but you do need to disentangle your emotions and fears and belief systems and perceptions. And from where I'm sitting, it looks like that's going to require some professional help.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
My Brother Made Sexual Advances
Question
I have a terrible secret from my childhood that causes me a lot of distress at times. I have never gone to a counsellor about it because I feel, deep down, that I was to blame to some extent. And I'm afraid that it would not be considered serious enough to require counselling.
I was in boarding school from the age of 12 and when I came home on my first break, my brother, who was three years older, started to try and engage me in sexual behaviour. He came into my bedroom many times in the middle of the night. Apart from the first time, when I didn't know what was happening, I never let him do anything again. I used to dread going home until I eventually made it very clear that I would tell our parents if he continued - even though I dreaded my parents finding out. After that he was quite horrible and mean to me for years, and made it clear that he hated me. He was a very awkward teenager, withdrawn and not good with people.
Now I'm in my mid-forties. I have had a couple of good relationships, though none of them led to marriage. Ironically, I am the only sibling who has any contact with this brother - even though he still can't look me in the eye. I stay in contact because I am fond of his children, and because I feel sorry for him. He has fallen out with the rest of the family, for various reasons.
I blocked out much of this for many years, but now that there is so much talk of sexual abuse in the media, it became impossible not to think about it. Why did my brother do this to me? How can I put it behind me once and for all? I think I have forgiven him, but, if so, why does it still distress me so much? I would find it very difficult to talk to someone face to face about this. And this is the first time I have ever written it down.
Answer
This notion of 'forgiving' just gets in the way, to be frank. It hinders clarity of thought. I'm not saying that it's irrelevant. I just think the whole concept of forgiveness belongs in a sort of parallel universe, psychologically speaking. So we'll leave it to one side for the moment, if that's OK with you.
The reality is that you and your brother have unfinished business. And while I'm sure you are fond of his children, that's not the whole reason that you're still involved in his daily life. You're in there because you're seeking some kind of solution, some form of emotional clearing-out, a sort of day of reckoning. Listen to what you're saying. He can't look you in the eye. You are still distressed. You two have an unresolved past. And both of you are dancing around it, dodging any conversation, yet failing to disengage either. You are both waiting.
It's understandable that you would find it difficult to talk to someone about the past. It's complicated. Something happened which you clearly saw as wrong. And from a simple standpoint it was abuse. No 15 year-old boy should attempt to be sexually intimate with his 12-year- old sister. It's just that sometimes these situations get emotionally muddled. Family intimacy has to be carefully monitored. Which is why parental alertness is so necessary. Maybe you were a lonely little thing at boarding school. Maybe you felt a bit isolated from the family, which was part of the reason you were afraid to tell your parents. So you attempted to micro-manage the situation.
And maybe your brother wasn't a terrible villain either. Maybe he was a lost soul, wrongly seeking solace by approaching you sexually. Certainly he was exploiting the situation. But maybe you somehow undertood - or at least felt - that he was doing it from a position of lonely weakness, rather than out-and-out badness. He was your brother, and perhaps felt you were kindred spirits. Or at a very simple level, distant parents terrified you into thinking you had to handle this yourself.
Either way, in your attempt to protect yourself, the unhappy and unsavoury and unacceptable situation lasted for a while. Sadly, that led to you feeling somehow guilty, reinforced the tendency of all abuse victims to feel it is somehow their fault - even though it isn't. You are guilty of nothing. You were 12 years old. And you perceived your parents as distant.
I think you should see a counsellor and talk this through. Yes, like I said, it will be difficult. It will also be infinitely rewarding once you get going. Putting words on a past hurt, in the presence of a professional who can make us feel safe, works like a kind of magic. The burden lifts. After that, you can consider whether to open the discussion with your brother, or not. You may even simply decide to disengage from him. Or just lay the past to rest, in your own head, and in the process change the dynamic between the two of you. With time you'll learn what is the wisest route for you to take. But do take your courage in your hands and seek someone to confide in.
I have a terrible secret from my childhood that causes me a lot of distress at times. I have never gone to a counsellor about it because I feel, deep down, that I was to blame to some extent. And I'm afraid that it would not be considered serious enough to require counselling.
I was in boarding school from the age of 12 and when I came home on my first break, my brother, who was three years older, started to try and engage me in sexual behaviour. He came into my bedroom many times in the middle of the night. Apart from the first time, when I didn't know what was happening, I never let him do anything again. I used to dread going home until I eventually made it very clear that I would tell our parents if he continued - even though I dreaded my parents finding out. After that he was quite horrible and mean to me for years, and made it clear that he hated me. He was a very awkward teenager, withdrawn and not good with people.
Now I'm in my mid-forties. I have had a couple of good relationships, though none of them led to marriage. Ironically, I am the only sibling who has any contact with this brother - even though he still can't look me in the eye. I stay in contact because I am fond of his children, and because I feel sorry for him. He has fallen out with the rest of the family, for various reasons.
I blocked out much of this for many years, but now that there is so much talk of sexual abuse in the media, it became impossible not to think about it. Why did my brother do this to me? How can I put it behind me once and for all? I think I have forgiven him, but, if so, why does it still distress me so much? I would find it very difficult to talk to someone face to face about this. And this is the first time I have ever written it down.
Answer
This notion of 'forgiving' just gets in the way, to be frank. It hinders clarity of thought. I'm not saying that it's irrelevant. I just think the whole concept of forgiveness belongs in a sort of parallel universe, psychologically speaking. So we'll leave it to one side for the moment, if that's OK with you.
The reality is that you and your brother have unfinished business. And while I'm sure you are fond of his children, that's not the whole reason that you're still involved in his daily life. You're in there because you're seeking some kind of solution, some form of emotional clearing-out, a sort of day of reckoning. Listen to what you're saying. He can't look you in the eye. You are still distressed. You two have an unresolved past. And both of you are dancing around it, dodging any conversation, yet failing to disengage either. You are both waiting.
It's understandable that you would find it difficult to talk to someone about the past. It's complicated. Something happened which you clearly saw as wrong. And from a simple standpoint it was abuse. No 15 year-old boy should attempt to be sexually intimate with his 12-year- old sister. It's just that sometimes these situations get emotionally muddled. Family intimacy has to be carefully monitored. Which is why parental alertness is so necessary. Maybe you were a lonely little thing at boarding school. Maybe you felt a bit isolated from the family, which was part of the reason you were afraid to tell your parents. So you attempted to micro-manage the situation.
And maybe your brother wasn't a terrible villain either. Maybe he was a lost soul, wrongly seeking solace by approaching you sexually. Certainly he was exploiting the situation. But maybe you somehow undertood - or at least felt - that he was doing it from a position of lonely weakness, rather than out-and-out badness. He was your brother, and perhaps felt you were kindred spirits. Or at a very simple level, distant parents terrified you into thinking you had to handle this yourself.
Either way, in your attempt to protect yourself, the unhappy and unsavoury and unacceptable situation lasted for a while. Sadly, that led to you feeling somehow guilty, reinforced the tendency of all abuse victims to feel it is somehow their fault - even though it isn't. You are guilty of nothing. You were 12 years old. And you perceived your parents as distant.
I think you should see a counsellor and talk this through. Yes, like I said, it will be difficult. It will also be infinitely rewarding once you get going. Putting words on a past hurt, in the presence of a professional who can make us feel safe, works like a kind of magic. The burden lifts. After that, you can consider whether to open the discussion with your brother, or not. You may even simply decide to disengage from him. Or just lay the past to rest, in your own head, and in the process change the dynamic between the two of you. With time you'll learn what is the wisest route for you to take. But do take your courage in your hands and seek someone to confide in.
Daughter Trapped In A Relationship
Question
I am very concerned about my 25 year old daughter. She is living with her boyfriend who is 39, and they have a six-month old baby girl. Her boyfriend also has a ten-year old boy by a previous relationship who comes to visit regularly, once during the week and every second weekend.
My daughter doesn't seem to have much freedom. She has a part-time job five mornings a week and he takes care of the baby while she works. He works an evening shift five and sometimes six nights a week, so often goes to bed in the afternoons. He also often has to work on bank-holidays. She does all the housework and shopping. She also has to be there for his son when he visits. They have only been out together as a couple about three times since the baby was born, although they know I would gladly baby-sit for them.
He doesn't want her to visit friends, but she is alone for long hours while he works. She even spent New Year's Eve on her own, as he didn't want her to celebrate it with anyone else and he had to work. Her only social outlet is her job, which she badly needs for the sake of a chat and a bit of social contact. She doesn't even go to something like a keep-fit class, as he thinks she should be content with just being a mother.
All this is pulling her down, and she was particularly distressed over Christmas. She has known her boyfriend for over seven years and broke off the relationship several times and she didn't feel he had much regard for her. Now she says that nothing has changed. I'm at a loss about what to do.
Answer
You know what I'm going to say. Your daughter can't settle for complaining to you. She has to act herself. Certainly she can confide in you, and is lucky to have you. But the decisions must be hers. All you can do is listen, and give gentle pushes in the right direction. Set a date for a definite babysitting night, rather than just making a general offer. Get her membership for a keep-fit class. Organise a social evening starting at your house, where she can then head off for a drink with her friends for an hour or two while you hold the baby.
Your daughter and her partner are certainly working hard and life is not easy for them. I don't think that is his fault. So it's important you don't simply demonise him. He does seem to be restrictive in his attitude to her having friends, or socialising without him. But you don't know to what extent that's because he simply hasn't got the space in his time-schedule or head to help her make that happen. It might be different if she went to him with a clear game-plan, babysitting organised etc. And anyway, it's her task to stand up for what she needs. If she's being bullied into loneliness and social isolation, that's down to her. She could lovingly, but firmly, stand up for herself.
Help your daughter, in short, to be pro-active, but quietly retreat from any attempt at taking sides. You don't want to end up being responsible for her, and her baby, no matter how much you love her.
I am very concerned about my 25 year old daughter. She is living with her boyfriend who is 39, and they have a six-month old baby girl. Her boyfriend also has a ten-year old boy by a previous relationship who comes to visit regularly, once during the week and every second weekend.
My daughter doesn't seem to have much freedom. She has a part-time job five mornings a week and he takes care of the baby while she works. He works an evening shift five and sometimes six nights a week, so often goes to bed in the afternoons. He also often has to work on bank-holidays. She does all the housework and shopping. She also has to be there for his son when he visits. They have only been out together as a couple about three times since the baby was born, although they know I would gladly baby-sit for them.
He doesn't want her to visit friends, but she is alone for long hours while he works. She even spent New Year's Eve on her own, as he didn't want her to celebrate it with anyone else and he had to work. Her only social outlet is her job, which she badly needs for the sake of a chat and a bit of social contact. She doesn't even go to something like a keep-fit class, as he thinks she should be content with just being a mother.
All this is pulling her down, and she was particularly distressed over Christmas. She has known her boyfriend for over seven years and broke off the relationship several times and she didn't feel he had much regard for her. Now she says that nothing has changed. I'm at a loss about what to do.
Answer
You know what I'm going to say. Your daughter can't settle for complaining to you. She has to act herself. Certainly she can confide in you, and is lucky to have you. But the decisions must be hers. All you can do is listen, and give gentle pushes in the right direction. Set a date for a definite babysitting night, rather than just making a general offer. Get her membership for a keep-fit class. Organise a social evening starting at your house, where she can then head off for a drink with her friends for an hour or two while you hold the baby.
Your daughter and her partner are certainly working hard and life is not easy for them. I don't think that is his fault. So it's important you don't simply demonise him. He does seem to be restrictive in his attitude to her having friends, or socialising without him. But you don't know to what extent that's because he simply hasn't got the space in his time-schedule or head to help her make that happen. It might be different if she went to him with a clear game-plan, babysitting organised etc. And anyway, it's her task to stand up for what she needs. If she's being bullied into loneliness and social isolation, that's down to her. She could lovingly, but firmly, stand up for herself.
Help your daughter, in short, to be pro-active, but quietly retreat from any attempt at taking sides. You don't want to end up being responsible for her, and her baby, no matter how much you love her.
Angry At My Husband
Question
I am a middle-aged woman, married, with five grown-up children. My husband is a good man in many ways, but we have issues.
I am very very angry at him, but this was suppressed into depression for many years. Recently, I did an intensive one-week personal transformation course and the result is that all this anger is coming up.
I am so angry and feel so very hurt by his behaviour with other women over all the years of our married life. For example, many years ago, when my best friend visited us, he took her out dancing and held her in a very intimate manner. I felt so humiliated and sick. Yet he said he did nothing wrong! And last year, at a family wedding, he leaned over and patted my cousin's thigh, in front of me. She's not married, and I still wonder if she considered this a "pass". When she visits now, the conversation is solely with my husband and I am barely acknowledged. I find this outrageous. My husband says I'm making a big to-do about nothing. I could go on forever with examples, which would get us nowhere.
How do I get him to see the effect his behaviour has on me? I feel he has no respect at all for me. No wonder I've been depressed all these years, not being able to deal with this. Now I feel I can tackle it. I'm expressing my anger, my hurt and my disappointment. And I'm insisting on being treated with respect in future.
But sometimes I feel my husband doesn't want to hear. It's like he's stuck in some adolescent stage of emotional development, and won't move on. How do I deal with this in a more effective way? Or do I admit that the marriage is over? I mean I do feel he cares for me at some level. Also, how do I best cope with my cousin's visits - and the fact that she ignores me? I feel so humiliated in all these relationships. That friend of mine whom he danced with so intimately al those years ago is also visiting soon and I am dreading it. When these women call, I feel embarrassed, humiliated and put down. How do I deal better with all of this?
Answer
Years ago a very wise therapist told me to be prepared for terrible anger to surface once therapy started. He suggested I take up some vigorous form of exercise, or martial art, or whatever, and build it into my daily routine. It would help to discharge the ensuing distress. He was right.
The point is, being angry is fine. In fact it's necessary. Angrily attempting to assert yourself, however, is a waste of time. It's worse. It's counter-productive. You can see that yourself. You are insisting, very vocally, that your husband treat you with respect. You are telling him how angry, hurt and disappointed you are - and nothing has changed. Yes, depression is, amongst other things, suppressed rage. And yes, accessing that anger is good. But getting angry of itself doesn't bring about change. You need to use your anger in order to get clarity - and then coolly go about asserting yourself.
First of all, differentiate. Flirting with other women is one thing. Having a woman regularly visit your home who ignores you is another thing entirely. It's unacceptable. But wilting like a wallflower waiting for your husband to rescue you won't help. Since she's a cousin - and obviously a close one at that - you probably don't want to bar her. So put yourself centre-stage in every conversation during her visits. Open the door when she calls, ask your husband to get the tea and sandwiches while you two women talk, discuss clothes, hairstyles, make-up, the menopause, engage in gossip, hold a monologue on your kids' latest exploits - and smile. Do you understand? Drop the hurt withdrawal. Don't wait for your husband to give you pride of place. Use your anger instead to give you Dutch courage and put yourself bang in the middle of all interaction.
I seem to be saying this a lot lately, but marriage is also a question of power-play - all relationships are. Your husband flirts, wittingly or unwittingly, precisely because you don't like it. It makes him feel strong. Yes, pathetic I know, but in truth we're all a bit pathetic. It's the human condition. And yes, it is deeply disappointing. But that's all it is. He's saying no to your request that he desist. That's not actually lack of respect. It's a limit of love. To which you have several responses. You can shrug off the disappointment, sadly even, but with resignation rather than rage. You can actively intervene, as in competing, laughingly taking his hand and putting it on your thigh, cutting in on the intimate dance, sitting on his knee when your old friend comes to stay and you're all relaxing with a drink after dinner. Or sometimes just absent yourself from the silliness. What you don't do is continue to ask, or insist, that he consider your feelings. That, whether you like it or not, is part of the power-play. You have to rescue yourself.
I know it's hard to get your head around, but your husband's silly behaviour doesn't actually humiliate you. It shows him up as a somewhat limited man. And no, it's not humiliating to stay married to a man with limitations. It's wise not to be distracted by the lesser things in life. So you are not diminished in the eyes of your friends. This man isn't abusing you. He's just being somewhat less than perfect. And who isn't? And don't you see? It's your lack of proper self-esteem, your sense of helplessness, your belief that you can't compete, in an appropriate manner, with anyone who crosses your path, which is leaving you feeling so vulnerable.
Your husband's behaviour is truly a side-show. Take a longer look at why you feel so powerless. And then do something about it.
I am a middle-aged woman, married, with five grown-up children. My husband is a good man in many ways, but we have issues.
I am very very angry at him, but this was suppressed into depression for many years. Recently, I did an intensive one-week personal transformation course and the result is that all this anger is coming up.
I am so angry and feel so very hurt by his behaviour with other women over all the years of our married life. For example, many years ago, when my best friend visited us, he took her out dancing and held her in a very intimate manner. I felt so humiliated and sick. Yet he said he did nothing wrong! And last year, at a family wedding, he leaned over and patted my cousin's thigh, in front of me. She's not married, and I still wonder if she considered this a "pass". When she visits now, the conversation is solely with my husband and I am barely acknowledged. I find this outrageous. My husband says I'm making a big to-do about nothing. I could go on forever with examples, which would get us nowhere.
How do I get him to see the effect his behaviour has on me? I feel he has no respect at all for me. No wonder I've been depressed all these years, not being able to deal with this. Now I feel I can tackle it. I'm expressing my anger, my hurt and my disappointment. And I'm insisting on being treated with respect in future.
But sometimes I feel my husband doesn't want to hear. It's like he's stuck in some adolescent stage of emotional development, and won't move on. How do I deal with this in a more effective way? Or do I admit that the marriage is over? I mean I do feel he cares for me at some level. Also, how do I best cope with my cousin's visits - and the fact that she ignores me? I feel so humiliated in all these relationships. That friend of mine whom he danced with so intimately al those years ago is also visiting soon and I am dreading it. When these women call, I feel embarrassed, humiliated and put down. How do I deal better with all of this?
Answer
Years ago a very wise therapist told me to be prepared for terrible anger to surface once therapy started. He suggested I take up some vigorous form of exercise, or martial art, or whatever, and build it into my daily routine. It would help to discharge the ensuing distress. He was right.
The point is, being angry is fine. In fact it's necessary. Angrily attempting to assert yourself, however, is a waste of time. It's worse. It's counter-productive. You can see that yourself. You are insisting, very vocally, that your husband treat you with respect. You are telling him how angry, hurt and disappointed you are - and nothing has changed. Yes, depression is, amongst other things, suppressed rage. And yes, accessing that anger is good. But getting angry of itself doesn't bring about change. You need to use your anger in order to get clarity - and then coolly go about asserting yourself.
First of all, differentiate. Flirting with other women is one thing. Having a woman regularly visit your home who ignores you is another thing entirely. It's unacceptable. But wilting like a wallflower waiting for your husband to rescue you won't help. Since she's a cousin - and obviously a close one at that - you probably don't want to bar her. So put yourself centre-stage in every conversation during her visits. Open the door when she calls, ask your husband to get the tea and sandwiches while you two women talk, discuss clothes, hairstyles, make-up, the menopause, engage in gossip, hold a monologue on your kids' latest exploits - and smile. Do you understand? Drop the hurt withdrawal. Don't wait for your husband to give you pride of place. Use your anger instead to give you Dutch courage and put yourself bang in the middle of all interaction.
I seem to be saying this a lot lately, but marriage is also a question of power-play - all relationships are. Your husband flirts, wittingly or unwittingly, precisely because you don't like it. It makes him feel strong. Yes, pathetic I know, but in truth we're all a bit pathetic. It's the human condition. And yes, it is deeply disappointing. But that's all it is. He's saying no to your request that he desist. That's not actually lack of respect. It's a limit of love. To which you have several responses. You can shrug off the disappointment, sadly even, but with resignation rather than rage. You can actively intervene, as in competing, laughingly taking his hand and putting it on your thigh, cutting in on the intimate dance, sitting on his knee when your old friend comes to stay and you're all relaxing with a drink after dinner. Or sometimes just absent yourself from the silliness. What you don't do is continue to ask, or insist, that he consider your feelings. That, whether you like it or not, is part of the power-play. You have to rescue yourself.
I know it's hard to get your head around, but your husband's silly behaviour doesn't actually humiliate you. It shows him up as a somewhat limited man. And no, it's not humiliating to stay married to a man with limitations. It's wise not to be distracted by the lesser things in life. So you are not diminished in the eyes of your friends. This man isn't abusing you. He's just being somewhat less than perfect. And who isn't? And don't you see? It's your lack of proper self-esteem, your sense of helplessness, your belief that you can't compete, in an appropriate manner, with anyone who crosses your path, which is leaving you feeling so vulnerable.
Your husband's behaviour is truly a side-show. Take a longer look at why you feel so powerless. And then do something about it.
Depressed Mother A Burden
Question
I come from a family of six and I am the only girl. As long as I can remember, my mother has been depressed. She was in psychiatric care when I was younger, but she has not taken medication in the last 30 years, hence her down-hill spiral. Visiting her is like Negativity Central. My brothers don't care and we are not a close family.
My main concern is my dad. He is a quiet man who is bullied all day every day, walking on eggshells, he says, in case she explodes. He worked all his life. My mother didn't. But she controls the money and gives him small amounts. Yet she spends serious money on very expensive clothes for herself. She accuses him of attracting other women, and there are many women she hasn't spoken to for years as she thinks they fancy him. She tells tales about him, for example that he tried to push her, when in fact, as my father explained, she had got into a rage at him and tripped over. He still does all the shopping and cooking but I am very worried as they are getting old. She stays in every day moaning and crying. I hate visiting her as she will not listen to any helpful suggestions. Everyone else is to blame, not her. I no longer allow my children to visit as they feel uneasy when they are there.
I am married to a wonderful man who doesn't understand why I still visit. But I am still drawn. She has never hugged me or shown any emotion. But my dad always hugs and smiles, even though he is unhappy. She is making me very unhappy too. She needs help but won't accept any and my father is too weak to leave her. What do I do? It can't go on like this. Do I stay away and just ask my dad to visit us? Christmas was another nightmare.
Answer
You clearly love your dad, he clearly loves you, and it's wonderful to have that relationship. You can't, however, fight his battles for him. You can't change his relationship with your mother. You can't defend him from her bullying. Those are all tasks he can choose to do, or choose to avoid. And he's clearly choosing to avoid - for now, anyway. So be it. You must accept his decision.
With your dad's battles out of the way, you should have a somewhat clearer picture of your own battle with your mother. Because, of course, you're also fighting to get some love or recognition from her. I don't think you'll get it, one way or the other. She doesn't sound like a rewarding kind of mother. But you certainly won't get it by trying to make helpful suggestions on how to solve her problems. Don't you see? She doesn't want to solve things, she wants to complain. It's part of the dynamic of her personality - and the dynamic of her marriage too, for that matter.
Just imagine what it would be like if you totally accepted that you can't change her. Wouldn't that make it a whole lot easier to be around her? I mean, could you envisage fulfilling some sense of duty towards her by simply visiting, or helping out in some practical way, from time to time, without the burden of believing it's your task to fix things? Because to answer your husband's question about why you visit her, dumping all duty towards a parent is very hard to do. Most people try to make a go of it, which is what you're doing. And I think that's right, in as far as you can manage it of course.
You'd definitely find the whole situation far more rewarding if you settled for enjoying your dad, as and when you can. I don't know if he'd come and visit alone. Maybe he would. Either way, the time with him should be about enriching both your life and his, not by fruitlessly trying to change things, but by revelling in the happiness of loving each other. So you both bear the burden of your mother. Fair enough. But that could just be accepted, and set quietly to one side. Couldn't it? And wouldn't it be nice?
I come from a family of six and I am the only girl. As long as I can remember, my mother has been depressed. She was in psychiatric care when I was younger, but she has not taken medication in the last 30 years, hence her down-hill spiral. Visiting her is like Negativity Central. My brothers don't care and we are not a close family.
My main concern is my dad. He is a quiet man who is bullied all day every day, walking on eggshells, he says, in case she explodes. He worked all his life. My mother didn't. But she controls the money and gives him small amounts. Yet she spends serious money on very expensive clothes for herself. She accuses him of attracting other women, and there are many women she hasn't spoken to for years as she thinks they fancy him. She tells tales about him, for example that he tried to push her, when in fact, as my father explained, she had got into a rage at him and tripped over. He still does all the shopping and cooking but I am very worried as they are getting old. She stays in every day moaning and crying. I hate visiting her as she will not listen to any helpful suggestions. Everyone else is to blame, not her. I no longer allow my children to visit as they feel uneasy when they are there.
I am married to a wonderful man who doesn't understand why I still visit. But I am still drawn. She has never hugged me or shown any emotion. But my dad always hugs and smiles, even though he is unhappy. She is making me very unhappy too. She needs help but won't accept any and my father is too weak to leave her. What do I do? It can't go on like this. Do I stay away and just ask my dad to visit us? Christmas was another nightmare.
Answer
You clearly love your dad, he clearly loves you, and it's wonderful to have that relationship. You can't, however, fight his battles for him. You can't change his relationship with your mother. You can't defend him from her bullying. Those are all tasks he can choose to do, or choose to avoid. And he's clearly choosing to avoid - for now, anyway. So be it. You must accept his decision.
With your dad's battles out of the way, you should have a somewhat clearer picture of your own battle with your mother. Because, of course, you're also fighting to get some love or recognition from her. I don't think you'll get it, one way or the other. She doesn't sound like a rewarding kind of mother. But you certainly won't get it by trying to make helpful suggestions on how to solve her problems. Don't you see? She doesn't want to solve things, she wants to complain. It's part of the dynamic of her personality - and the dynamic of her marriage too, for that matter.
Just imagine what it would be like if you totally accepted that you can't change her. Wouldn't that make it a whole lot easier to be around her? I mean, could you envisage fulfilling some sense of duty towards her by simply visiting, or helping out in some practical way, from time to time, without the burden of believing it's your task to fix things? Because to answer your husband's question about why you visit her, dumping all duty towards a parent is very hard to do. Most people try to make a go of it, which is what you're doing. And I think that's right, in as far as you can manage it of course.
You'd definitely find the whole situation far more rewarding if you settled for enjoying your dad, as and when you can. I don't know if he'd come and visit alone. Maybe he would. Either way, the time with him should be about enriching both your life and his, not by fruitlessly trying to change things, but by revelling in the happiness of loving each other. So you both bear the burden of your mother. Fair enough. But that could just be accepted, and set quietly to one side. Couldn't it? And wouldn't it be nice?
Unfaithful Husband
Question
I am a 40-year old married woman with four children. My husband is ten years older, and we have been married over 18 years. Looking back, I rushed into the relationship, and marriage, without knowing much about him. I understand now that I viewed my marriage as an "escape" and a "safety-net" from an unhappy home life and childhood.
From the very early days of our marriage, I suspected that my husband was unfaithful. I didn't actually get proof of this until recently, when all my previous suspicions were confirmed.
I suppose the major cracks started to show when the children arrived. He simply wasn't interested in family life and let me carry on doing it all, despite the fact that I worked outside the home too - and still do. I do hold my hand up and take responsibility for my part in allowing this to happen. I guess I always wanted to avoid conflict and carried on as best I could.
When his infidelity was finally revealed, my husband suggested that we go to marriage counselling. I agreed. However, over the years I had often asked him to go to counselling and he had always refused. And the counselling got us nowhere, to be honest. I felt so betrayed and disgusted that I could never really be part of the marriage again, however much I wanted to for the sake of the children. We decided to remain living in the same house, however, since we are heavily mortgaged.
He is now on anti-depressants, and spends his whole time with his elderly parents - an excuse for not spending time with the children - or else is asleep on the couch. He is cranky and irritable and roars abuse at all of us when he is put under the slightest bit of pressure - like loading the dishwasher or making a phone call. His mistress has long since dumped him.
His brother recently said to me that he thinks I'm not doing enough to help my husband and blames me for his depression. He knows nothing of the affair. I've been to see a counsellor myself and felt I was doing well, but lately I think I have become 'stuck' again. I worry about the damage being done to the children. But I also worry that they will be damaged if we separate.
Answer
This isn't, actually, about the children. Like all people who avoid conflict, you are full of resentment. You hate your husband for every battle you never fought. And this isn't about his unfaithfulness either. It's about the way he failed to be a proper participant in the marriage - and the way you stood there and let it happen. Yes, I know you say you take responsibility for allowing him dodge, for facilitating his absence from any real form of parenting. Maybe you do, up to a point. You clearly haven't taken responsibility for your own unhappiness. That's why you are still stuck, as you put it. And you are stuck. You're stuck in rage.
That rage stopped you being constructive, when your husband asked that you go for counselling as a couple. You went, but you didn't participate. You certainly didn't go there with an open heart and mind, or with any kind of willingness to find a solution. You tell me that yourself. You were too disgusted to participate in the marriage ever again. Your husband opened a door, even if only in naked self-interest. You chose not to walk through. Put another way, you decided to stay angry instead. But you didn't take the apparently logical step of ending the marriage entirely. Instead of throwing him out, you've left your husband in the awful role of useless lodger. Sure, he's actively participating in this terrible scenario, but it's you and I who are talking here, so we'll stick with what you're doing.
Some things need to be clarified here. Your rage didn't begin when your husband's infidelity came to light. You've been angry with him all your married life. Everyone who puts up with stuff in order to avoid conflict is in a rage. The anger just stays underground, secretly tearing away at the heart of the relationship, defused but none the less deadly, sabotaging any real communication. The only difference now is that your husband's bad behaviour came out into the open, in a way he couldn't avoid admitting. So you felt free to hit him with everything you had. Open rebellion became possible.
What I'm saying is that the problems in your marriage were not all down to your husband.
How you're punishing him makes a lot of psychological sense. He's shut out of the marriage. He's shown up clearly as a wash-out, for all to see, which effectively sidelines him in terms of family life. He's where he always wanted to be, as you see it. Only it hasn't worked out for him. He sits there, angry, depressed, and almost entirely useless, abandoned by his woman. He's a mess. Deep down you thought you'd find that rewarding. You were doing OK for a while. But angry revenge never works for us. That's what you're now finding out.
Children are hurt whether a couple stay together in awful circumstances, or split up. So forget the kids. It can't be about them. Either you wish to pick up the pieces of your marriage, or you don't. It's your decision.
I am a 40-year old married woman with four children. My husband is ten years older, and we have been married over 18 years. Looking back, I rushed into the relationship, and marriage, without knowing much about him. I understand now that I viewed my marriage as an "escape" and a "safety-net" from an unhappy home life and childhood.
From the very early days of our marriage, I suspected that my husband was unfaithful. I didn't actually get proof of this until recently, when all my previous suspicions were confirmed.
I suppose the major cracks started to show when the children arrived. He simply wasn't interested in family life and let me carry on doing it all, despite the fact that I worked outside the home too - and still do. I do hold my hand up and take responsibility for my part in allowing this to happen. I guess I always wanted to avoid conflict and carried on as best I could.
When his infidelity was finally revealed, my husband suggested that we go to marriage counselling. I agreed. However, over the years I had often asked him to go to counselling and he had always refused. And the counselling got us nowhere, to be honest. I felt so betrayed and disgusted that I could never really be part of the marriage again, however much I wanted to for the sake of the children. We decided to remain living in the same house, however, since we are heavily mortgaged.
He is now on anti-depressants, and spends his whole time with his elderly parents - an excuse for not spending time with the children - or else is asleep on the couch. He is cranky and irritable and roars abuse at all of us when he is put under the slightest bit of pressure - like loading the dishwasher or making a phone call. His mistress has long since dumped him.
His brother recently said to me that he thinks I'm not doing enough to help my husband and blames me for his depression. He knows nothing of the affair. I've been to see a counsellor myself and felt I was doing well, but lately I think I have become 'stuck' again. I worry about the damage being done to the children. But I also worry that they will be damaged if we separate.
Answer
This isn't, actually, about the children. Like all people who avoid conflict, you are full of resentment. You hate your husband for every battle you never fought. And this isn't about his unfaithfulness either. It's about the way he failed to be a proper participant in the marriage - and the way you stood there and let it happen. Yes, I know you say you take responsibility for allowing him dodge, for facilitating his absence from any real form of parenting. Maybe you do, up to a point. You clearly haven't taken responsibility for your own unhappiness. That's why you are still stuck, as you put it. And you are stuck. You're stuck in rage.
That rage stopped you being constructive, when your husband asked that you go for counselling as a couple. You went, but you didn't participate. You certainly didn't go there with an open heart and mind, or with any kind of willingness to find a solution. You tell me that yourself. You were too disgusted to participate in the marriage ever again. Your husband opened a door, even if only in naked self-interest. You chose not to walk through. Put another way, you decided to stay angry instead. But you didn't take the apparently logical step of ending the marriage entirely. Instead of throwing him out, you've left your husband in the awful role of useless lodger. Sure, he's actively participating in this terrible scenario, but it's you and I who are talking here, so we'll stick with what you're doing.
Some things need to be clarified here. Your rage didn't begin when your husband's infidelity came to light. You've been angry with him all your married life. Everyone who puts up with stuff in order to avoid conflict is in a rage. The anger just stays underground, secretly tearing away at the heart of the relationship, defused but none the less deadly, sabotaging any real communication. The only difference now is that your husband's bad behaviour came out into the open, in a way he couldn't avoid admitting. So you felt free to hit him with everything you had. Open rebellion became possible.
What I'm saying is that the problems in your marriage were not all down to your husband.
How you're punishing him makes a lot of psychological sense. He's shut out of the marriage. He's shown up clearly as a wash-out, for all to see, which effectively sidelines him in terms of family life. He's where he always wanted to be, as you see it. Only it hasn't worked out for him. He sits there, angry, depressed, and almost entirely useless, abandoned by his woman. He's a mess. Deep down you thought you'd find that rewarding. You were doing OK for a while. But angry revenge never works for us. That's what you're now finding out.
Children are hurt whether a couple stay together in awful circumstances, or split up. So forget the kids. It can't be about them. Either you wish to pick up the pieces of your marriage, or you don't. It's your decision.
My Sister Lacks Persoanl Hygiene
Question
I am in my fifties and live with my widowed sister and her two sons, both of whom are in their twenties. It is her house. I have a job and am content with my life. My sister has independent means, stays at home and I go out to work. I contribute to the cost of running the house, help with housework at the weekend and do all the work in the garden, which I enjoy. I also do running repairs. My sister looks after the household bills, food shopping etc. Her sons have their own lives and are often away. We get on well enough and have settled into a routine.
The problem is my sister's attitude to personal hygiene. She doesn't think it's important. She almost never takes a bath or shower, just washes at the hand-basin - and not much of that either. It's the same with her clothes, not changing often, leaving dirty ones lying around on her bedroom floor. When she goes out she dresses up and you would never guess from her appearance just how careless she really is. There's a constant stale smell in the house, especially upstairs and coming out of her room. It's not pleasant sitting too close to her either.
A few times, when it was really getting to me, I tried to raise the issue with her. She got angry and told me it was none of my business. I could tell from her reaction that she thought I was mad getting upset about something like that. But hygiene is important to me, both personally and in the house. To me it's to do with self-respect and respecting others. I know you often say that we can't change others, but can change our own reactions, and in the process maybe change the situation too. I've thought about that, but I can't see what I could possibly do. Certainly I can't imagine how I can have any effect on my sister's behaviour.
I don't want to have a falling out about it. She is my sister and we do get on well, and agree on other things. But this is starting to really affect me. I can't bring the subject up again. She would see it coming and the defences would be up immediately. It would just be another row. Am I over-reacting?
Answer
To say anyone is over-reacting is a put-down. Because the feelings are very real. So no, of course you are not over-reacting. You do, however, have to be careful about letting a particular problem become an all-consuming focus for your attention. Even worse, endowing any particular behaviour with too much meaning is the slippery slope to serious discontent. There is no moral dimension to poor personal hygiene. I'm not even sure it's a question of respect as you put it. It's a convention of modern life, more or less. That's all. Keeping food safe is different. That involves a potential health hazard. But failing to wash to the point of smelling somewhat is a sort of personal choice isn't it?
Living with anyone is difficult. The trick is to skim over the annoying bits and concentrate on the good bits. Cultivating selective perception is an art-form. It's also essential for survival in any relationship. No, I'm not saying you are wrong to dislike your sister's behaviour. I am saying that you should be careful not to park all your irritation and distress at the door of her failure to wash. I am not criticising you. We all feel irritation and distress with those close around us. It's a fact of life.
Rows are no use. I think they probably almost make you feel rather vulnerable, since it seems you have no ownership rights to the house, and hence, if the chips were down, your sister could pull rank and put you in your place. Well that maybe the way it feels anyway. This subliminal sense of helplessness, or powerlessness, is probably feeding your discontent too. But aside from all that, rows are no use anyway. You could take some direct action, quietly and innocuously of course. You could resort to regularly opening the windows in the house, particularly upstairs, you know, just by the way. You could also settle for sitting on the other side of the room, or dining table, or sofa. You could slowly but surely take over the washing, starting with your own stuff, and then asking your sister if she had anything for the machine. You get my drift.
The bottom line? I do honestly think that you are offended by your sister's refusal to do as you ask, for your sake. I also think that for you it's a demonstration of your relative powerlessness in the relationship - as you perceive it anyway. And I think it reinforces in you your sense of being the one who is dependent. Can I tell you something? That is what happens to all of us, irrespective of our circumstances, when our wishes are not respected. The wise learn to accept that their power is limited. Then the fretting stops, the unhappiness eases, and we are at peace.
I am in my fifties and live with my widowed sister and her two sons, both of whom are in their twenties. It is her house. I have a job and am content with my life. My sister has independent means, stays at home and I go out to work. I contribute to the cost of running the house, help with housework at the weekend and do all the work in the garden, which I enjoy. I also do running repairs. My sister looks after the household bills, food shopping etc. Her sons have their own lives and are often away. We get on well enough and have settled into a routine.
The problem is my sister's attitude to personal hygiene. She doesn't think it's important. She almost never takes a bath or shower, just washes at the hand-basin - and not much of that either. It's the same with her clothes, not changing often, leaving dirty ones lying around on her bedroom floor. When she goes out she dresses up and you would never guess from her appearance just how careless she really is. There's a constant stale smell in the house, especially upstairs and coming out of her room. It's not pleasant sitting too close to her either.
A few times, when it was really getting to me, I tried to raise the issue with her. She got angry and told me it was none of my business. I could tell from her reaction that she thought I was mad getting upset about something like that. But hygiene is important to me, both personally and in the house. To me it's to do with self-respect and respecting others. I know you often say that we can't change others, but can change our own reactions, and in the process maybe change the situation too. I've thought about that, but I can't see what I could possibly do. Certainly I can't imagine how I can have any effect on my sister's behaviour.
I don't want to have a falling out about it. She is my sister and we do get on well, and agree on other things. But this is starting to really affect me. I can't bring the subject up again. She would see it coming and the defences would be up immediately. It would just be another row. Am I over-reacting?
Answer
To say anyone is over-reacting is a put-down. Because the feelings are very real. So no, of course you are not over-reacting. You do, however, have to be careful about letting a particular problem become an all-consuming focus for your attention. Even worse, endowing any particular behaviour with too much meaning is the slippery slope to serious discontent. There is no moral dimension to poor personal hygiene. I'm not even sure it's a question of respect as you put it. It's a convention of modern life, more or less. That's all. Keeping food safe is different. That involves a potential health hazard. But failing to wash to the point of smelling somewhat is a sort of personal choice isn't it?
Living with anyone is difficult. The trick is to skim over the annoying bits and concentrate on the good bits. Cultivating selective perception is an art-form. It's also essential for survival in any relationship. No, I'm not saying you are wrong to dislike your sister's behaviour. I am saying that you should be careful not to park all your irritation and distress at the door of her failure to wash. I am not criticising you. We all feel irritation and distress with those close around us. It's a fact of life.
Rows are no use. I think they probably almost make you feel rather vulnerable, since it seems you have no ownership rights to the house, and hence, if the chips were down, your sister could pull rank and put you in your place. Well that maybe the way it feels anyway. This subliminal sense of helplessness, or powerlessness, is probably feeding your discontent too. But aside from all that, rows are no use anyway. You could take some direct action, quietly and innocuously of course. You could resort to regularly opening the windows in the house, particularly upstairs, you know, just by the way. You could also settle for sitting on the other side of the room, or dining table, or sofa. You could slowly but surely take over the washing, starting with your own stuff, and then asking your sister if she had anything for the machine. You get my drift.
The bottom line? I do honestly think that you are offended by your sister's refusal to do as you ask, for your sake. I also think that for you it's a demonstration of your relative powerlessness in the relationship - as you perceive it anyway. And I think it reinforces in you your sense of being the one who is dependent. Can I tell you something? That is what happens to all of us, irrespective of our circumstances, when our wishes are not respected. The wise learn to accept that their power is limited. Then the fretting stops, the unhappiness eases, and we are at peace.
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