Question
I am a girl in my early twenties and don't know what to do. From the age of eight, until I was about ten, I was sexually abused by an older brother. This went on in our house and in many of the out-buildings on the farm. I suppose that since we were living in the same house, it wasn't hard for him to get me on my own. He did not have sex with me. He just did things to me and made me do things to him that make me feel sick evening thinking about.
I am not sure why it stopped, but it was probably a mixture of me finally having the courage to confront him and threatening to tell on him - or more likely the fact that one of our sisters caught him trying to kiss me, so he was afraid he would be caught doing something worse. There was no 'sorry' for what he had done - not that an apology would even begin to make up for what he did. Since then there has not been a word uttered about it between us. I suppose he must think that I have forgotten about it as he seems to have done himself. During my teenage years I tried my best to push it to the back of my mind and got on with living the life of a shy teenager. Since I did not have anyone I could tell my secret to in strict confidence, I said nothing.
My brother is now in his late twenties and has a girlfriend which he says is the one. If she is, and he marries her and has children, what is to stop him from doing the same thing later down the line? If he does, and I have said nothing, am I to blame? What if he already did the same to our younger sisters and it could have been prevented if I had said something? Was it just that he was a teenage boy, trying, for want of a better phrase, to figure out the workings of his body? Was it just because I was such a shy child that he picked me because he supposed I wouldn't say anything? I do not think I can say anything now, especially to my parents, as it would break their hearts, something I'm not prepared to do. Sometimes I just feel so ashamed about what happened, and why he chose me.
I am now going out with a really nice boy for nearly six months. He cannot understand why I am so reluctant to let me near me. It is just that the thought of someone getting close makes me feel nervous and scared, and brings back all the memories. I have never had a boyfriend for this long before, so I suppose the issue never arose. I do not know if I should tell him the truth, or just keep avoiding the topic. I do not think going out with someone for a few months is long enough to tell them your deepest secrets, especially ones you have tried to hard to forget. I have told him it's not him, but something in the past, so he probably just thinks it was bad experiences with other boys.
If I did say something, then I certainly cannot tell him that it was my brother because how can I be sure that he would not say anything to him. Then what I have been hiding for over ten years would literally explode in my face and my family would never be the same again. But I don't think it is something I can forget either. For the past two years I think about it regularly and sometimes cry myself to sleep not knowing what I am supposed to do. At some stage though, I will have to face up to it, and it would be nice to have some insight into what I should do.
Answer
You are a very wise girl not to talk to your boyfriend about what happened to you. And this has nothing to do with shame, because of course you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You were an innocent child who was abused. You played no part in it other than suffering the abuse.
To begin with, you badly need to deal with this yourself first. Telling your boyfriend now would simply burden him with your pain, and then you would have his distress to deal with as well as your own. And as you quite correctly say, he might do something you don't want, so you'd be forced to tell only half a tale, and he might guess anyway. Put simply, you'd lose control of the situation - which would not help you at all. You need time and emotional space, so the story you've told your boyfriend is fine, for now anyway. Whether you ever tell him, or not, is up to you.
What you must do, however, is break the silence. You need to talk, and to someone who can handle the information without getting emotionally involved themselves. So again you are right, it can't be family - not until you've found peace anyway. You need to talk to a professional counsellor.
Even the most horrific horrors lose their power to hurt once light has been let in. Shared with the right person, they can be seen in perspective. So find someone, immediately. You've been alone with your distress for far too long.
The reason counselling helps is because we learn to see things differently. And the very first thing you need to truly accept is that the abuse was not your fault. If your brother chose you because you were quiet, or shy, then that only highlights what a bully he was. Sadly, abuse victims almost invariably feel they were somehow responsible. It's part of the damage that abuse does. You were a great little girl. Just as you are now a great young woman. None of it was even remotely your fault.
It's equally important to understand that you are not responsible for your brother's behaviour. And you never were. The fact that you didn't tell anyone is not your fault either. Clearly, as a small child you didn't feel free to do so. And no, I'm not blaming your parents. This is not a blame game. I'm simply saying that you were faced with a culture of silence and were too young to challenge it. You couldn't tell. Your brother knew that. Otherwise he would never have abused you. And when things changed because a sister caught him kissing you and there was now a witness, someone alert and watchful, he stopped.
Nor are you responsible for anything your brother did, or might do in the future. So no guilt please, either about possible abuse of younger sisters, or potential abuse of his children further down the line. That's his responsibility. Your responsibility to is heal yourself, by getting the help you so richly deserve. Certainly, at some future date, you might decide to open a discussion with him, or within the family, or whatever. But that cannot be even contemplated until you are free of the past, and able to be close and relaxed with someone you love.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I Want To Know Who My Father Is
Question
I'm 19 and in my first year in college. I was raised single-handedly by my mother whom I love very much. My father never wanted anything to do with me, although I do see him sometimes. He has another wife and family.
Recently, while clearing out some stuff at home, I found a legal document dated around the time I was born. It was between my mum and dad and something to do with sorting out a paternity payment. However, the name of the man on the document, who is supposed to be my father, is not the same man whom I have always believed to be my father. I brought this discovery up with my mum but she just brushed it off angrily.
This has really been bugging me as I want to find out who my real father is. But I find the topic so uncomfortable to talk about with my mum, and I really don't want to upset her. I do want to know the truth, even if it means going for paternity tests, or whatever.
Answer
You are a very good son, with a kind and loving heart. You and your mother are lucky to have each other. And I'm sure she's very proud of you too. All that said, we sometimes have to push things, even at the cost of upsetting someone else. The issue of who your father really is will not go away. So yes, you have to face it. So does your mother.
You need to bring it up with her. Tell her you love her, ask her not to get angry, and then say your piece. And yes, say it even if she does get angry. I think you understand that her anger is just a defensive move. She can't actually be angry with you. You had no hand, act or part in how you were conceived. Nor is it in any way, shape or form your fault that you found the document. Your mother kept it. It was her responsibility to hide it better if she didn't want it discovered. Don't be intimidated by her distress. Persist, with kindness - at least in terms of saying your piece.
I am very slow to put the argument that you have a 'right' to know. It's hugely difficult to decide between someone's desire to keep a secret and someone else's right to know the truth. I mean, your mother might have kept this secret, and let it die with her. I presume you have a birth certificate, and I presume the man you know as your dad is named on that. Or maybe there's no father named, but you always accepted that your dad is your dad. The point is, your mother could have kept this other man entirely out of the picture. And who's to say that would have been a wrong thing to do? Oh I know I'm out of step with modern society in saying this, but I firmly believe there is no absolute right to know.
The situation you face is different. This is not about the 'right' to know. You have been presented with a puzzle. That puzzle will not disappear. A wise mother would accept that, and talk to you. It would be wonderful if you could find some way of explaining that to her. As an intelligent woman she must understand that a series of events has now been set in motion. To take appropriate control, she needs to talk to you. Because while I'm not an expert on legal issues, I imagine you have options. Maybe the document was registered somewhere. You have a name and a date. You get the picture.
In all of this I am most certainly not trying to be harsh. And yes, of course, you could decide to drop it. It will never go away, like I said, but you could decide to live with the uncertainty. I just feel that would be a sacrifice too far. And that sacrifice might ultimately come between you and your mother, spoil the intimacy the two of you share. If we're asked to bear too heavy a burden, we turn away. That's why it's important in any relationship to stand up for what we truly need. Think about it.
I'm 19 and in my first year in college. I was raised single-handedly by my mother whom I love very much. My father never wanted anything to do with me, although I do see him sometimes. He has another wife and family.
Recently, while clearing out some stuff at home, I found a legal document dated around the time I was born. It was between my mum and dad and something to do with sorting out a paternity payment. However, the name of the man on the document, who is supposed to be my father, is not the same man whom I have always believed to be my father. I brought this discovery up with my mum but she just brushed it off angrily.
This has really been bugging me as I want to find out who my real father is. But I find the topic so uncomfortable to talk about with my mum, and I really don't want to upset her. I do want to know the truth, even if it means going for paternity tests, or whatever.
Answer
You are a very good son, with a kind and loving heart. You and your mother are lucky to have each other. And I'm sure she's very proud of you too. All that said, we sometimes have to push things, even at the cost of upsetting someone else. The issue of who your father really is will not go away. So yes, you have to face it. So does your mother.
You need to bring it up with her. Tell her you love her, ask her not to get angry, and then say your piece. And yes, say it even if she does get angry. I think you understand that her anger is just a defensive move. She can't actually be angry with you. You had no hand, act or part in how you were conceived. Nor is it in any way, shape or form your fault that you found the document. Your mother kept it. It was her responsibility to hide it better if she didn't want it discovered. Don't be intimidated by her distress. Persist, with kindness - at least in terms of saying your piece.
I am very slow to put the argument that you have a 'right' to know. It's hugely difficult to decide between someone's desire to keep a secret and someone else's right to know the truth. I mean, your mother might have kept this secret, and let it die with her. I presume you have a birth certificate, and I presume the man you know as your dad is named on that. Or maybe there's no father named, but you always accepted that your dad is your dad. The point is, your mother could have kept this other man entirely out of the picture. And who's to say that would have been a wrong thing to do? Oh I know I'm out of step with modern society in saying this, but I firmly believe there is no absolute right to know.
The situation you face is different. This is not about the 'right' to know. You have been presented with a puzzle. That puzzle will not disappear. A wise mother would accept that, and talk to you. It would be wonderful if you could find some way of explaining that to her. As an intelligent woman she must understand that a series of events has now been set in motion. To take appropriate control, she needs to talk to you. Because while I'm not an expert on legal issues, I imagine you have options. Maybe the document was registered somewhere. You have a name and a date. You get the picture.
In all of this I am most certainly not trying to be harsh. And yes, of course, you could decide to drop it. It will never go away, like I said, but you could decide to live with the uncertainty. I just feel that would be a sacrifice too far. And that sacrifice might ultimately come between you and your mother, spoil the intimacy the two of you share. If we're asked to bear too heavy a burden, we turn away. That's why it's important in any relationship to stand up for what we truly need. Think about it.
Absentee Husband
Question
I have felt broken-hearted for the last couple of years. I married over 30 years ago, the children are now grown up, and I went back to work full-time two years ago. My husband was always free to come and go as he pleased, while I raised the children and did the house-keeping. He never played any part in child-minding. In fact he was never really available to us. Yet he always responded immediately to any request from a neighbour or acquaintance. People would ring our house in the middle of the night if they had a crisis and my husband would be only too delighted to go to their assistance. But he worked hard, provided for us, and I ended up accepting the way things were. And I would have said that my life was happy. My hobbies became ones I could pursue at home. And if I went anywhere, the children had to come with me. I now regret failing to insist that he play his part as husband and father and see, with hindsight, that I enabled him to opt out. He still does. One of our daughters lost her job and is in financial trouble, through no fault of her own, but he's not interested.
The relationship that exists between us really troubles me. My husband is quite content with it. I would really like to have a relationship of equals and I try to discuss everything with him, even when he's clearly not interested, because I feel he should know what's going on in the family. For his part he goes to several meetings a week, is involved in sport and other parish activities, and works hard for the community - and loves it. Weekends he goes to matches, watches sport on TV, and usually has a friend or two come round to discuss the week's events. I work at my job all week and spend the weekend catching up with housework. I have nothing to look forward to. I am heart-broken that my husband ignores his own family, and am furious that he has the cheek to devote himself to others incessantly. It would be easier if he was a mean, heedless git. But he's not. He's a caring attentive citizen, just not to me or the children. I do sometimes go to social events with him and enjoy the company of others. But the feeling of abandonment by my husband never really eases and puts a barrier between us.
I am a widow within my marriage.
Answer
You used to be happy and now you're not. What's the difference between then and now? No, I'm not being flippant. And yes, I do understand that you compromised then. You had the children, and you had the wisdom to see that you could adjust, and be happy, even though you didn't like a lot of your husband's behaviour. And yes, too, you are right. Your husband failed to take the important step of putting his family first. He remained, if you like, married to his community. He didn't make the necessary shift in commitment. So I am not trying to wrong-foot you. All I'm saying is that you managed compromise then. What has changed?
Some of the answer is obvious. You were busy with the children then. That didn't just mean work. It meant you had company, felt comforted and loved, had joy and entertainment, were blessed with a lot of human contact. And now they are gone. You still have work, too much of it perhaps. I mean, why wouldn't you get help in the house so that you don't spend weekends catching up on cleaning? The hole left in your life is the human one of loneliness. I can see all that. The question is, why ask your husband to fill it? Think of this a different way. Many men retire, and expect their wives to suddenly become full-time companions. The result is often war. Just as women experience the empty-nest syndrome and suddenly want their husbands to fill the gap. Understandable, of course, but not wise.
Your husband hasn't changed. You have. Wouldn't it be a good idea to try and find some way of dealing with that fact - some way other than putting your husband's shortcomings under the microscope? No, I'm not saying that in order to let him off the hook. I'm saying it in order to help you find happiness. He hasn't actually abandoned you, you know. He simply failed to engage with you beyond a certain point all your married life. Yes, you could say you enabled him to opt out. More positively, and I think more accurately, you recognised his limitations, and refused to spend a life-time fighting helplessly against them.
Catch a hold of that wisdom again.
I have felt broken-hearted for the last couple of years. I married over 30 years ago, the children are now grown up, and I went back to work full-time two years ago. My husband was always free to come and go as he pleased, while I raised the children and did the house-keeping. He never played any part in child-minding. In fact he was never really available to us. Yet he always responded immediately to any request from a neighbour or acquaintance. People would ring our house in the middle of the night if they had a crisis and my husband would be only too delighted to go to their assistance. But he worked hard, provided for us, and I ended up accepting the way things were. And I would have said that my life was happy. My hobbies became ones I could pursue at home. And if I went anywhere, the children had to come with me. I now regret failing to insist that he play his part as husband and father and see, with hindsight, that I enabled him to opt out. He still does. One of our daughters lost her job and is in financial trouble, through no fault of her own, but he's not interested.
The relationship that exists between us really troubles me. My husband is quite content with it. I would really like to have a relationship of equals and I try to discuss everything with him, even when he's clearly not interested, because I feel he should know what's going on in the family. For his part he goes to several meetings a week, is involved in sport and other parish activities, and works hard for the community - and loves it. Weekends he goes to matches, watches sport on TV, and usually has a friend or two come round to discuss the week's events. I work at my job all week and spend the weekend catching up with housework. I have nothing to look forward to. I am heart-broken that my husband ignores his own family, and am furious that he has the cheek to devote himself to others incessantly. It would be easier if he was a mean, heedless git. But he's not. He's a caring attentive citizen, just not to me or the children. I do sometimes go to social events with him and enjoy the company of others. But the feeling of abandonment by my husband never really eases and puts a barrier between us.
I am a widow within my marriage.
Answer
You used to be happy and now you're not. What's the difference between then and now? No, I'm not being flippant. And yes, I do understand that you compromised then. You had the children, and you had the wisdom to see that you could adjust, and be happy, even though you didn't like a lot of your husband's behaviour. And yes, too, you are right. Your husband failed to take the important step of putting his family first. He remained, if you like, married to his community. He didn't make the necessary shift in commitment. So I am not trying to wrong-foot you. All I'm saying is that you managed compromise then. What has changed?
Some of the answer is obvious. You were busy with the children then. That didn't just mean work. It meant you had company, felt comforted and loved, had joy and entertainment, were blessed with a lot of human contact. And now they are gone. You still have work, too much of it perhaps. I mean, why wouldn't you get help in the house so that you don't spend weekends catching up on cleaning? The hole left in your life is the human one of loneliness. I can see all that. The question is, why ask your husband to fill it? Think of this a different way. Many men retire, and expect their wives to suddenly become full-time companions. The result is often war. Just as women experience the empty-nest syndrome and suddenly want their husbands to fill the gap. Understandable, of course, but not wise.
Your husband hasn't changed. You have. Wouldn't it be a good idea to try and find some way of dealing with that fact - some way other than putting your husband's shortcomings under the microscope? No, I'm not saying that in order to let him off the hook. I'm saying it in order to help you find happiness. He hasn't actually abandoned you, you know. He simply failed to engage with you beyond a certain point all your married life. Yes, you could say you enabled him to opt out. More positively, and I think more accurately, you recognised his limitations, and refused to spend a life-time fighting helplessly against them.
Catch a hold of that wisdom again.
Can't Get Old Lover Out Of My Mind
Question
Five years ago I started dating someone I loved very much. We were together for two years. Then he got a job in Europe and the long-distance relationship was a killer. He stopped putting any effort into it, his phone calls diminished, and his visits became a rarity. When he did come back, twice or three times a year, he'd ring me, we'd go out together and have a wonderful time. But he never committed to anything, and didn't stay in regular contact.
I tried to date other guys, but always found something wrong with them. And my mind was still on the man I loved and I kept hoping each time he came back that things would be different. Each time he said he wasn't ready.
Then I met this amazing guy who truly loves me. I gave my ex one last chance to say he was serious, but he refused and I told him never to contact me again. He didn't. That was 18 months ago and the man I'm now with is really good, and very loving. He's great, and he's serious about me. Yet I can't stop thinking about my ex. I still feel the pain and hurt of him not loving me. And I still miss him. What am I doing wrong? Is this just my head playing games with me? Or am I with the wrong person? I don't want to end up throwing my life away for an ex who will never love me and ruining what I have with this guy.
Answer
Persisting with a love which will only bring heartache is self-destructive behaviour. You know that. It's obvious. What's a lot less obvious is the fact that it makes sense - not in the conscious world, but in the hidden world of our unconscious. Put another way, no behaviour, or symptom, or feeling or thought-process is stupid, or irrational. In our emotional world, which lives beneath the surface of our everyday lives, it is always entirely logical.
Some women love men who are truly awful to them. Why? Maybe they have low self-esteem and feel they deserve to be treated badly. Maybe they've chosen someone like their dad, hoping to win in this adult relationship where they lost in the child-father relationship. The daughters of alcoholics, don't forget, are more likely to choose alcoholic husbands. Or maybe the woman just feels on familiar terrain with a non-loving boyfriend. Maybe it's something you are used to, being abandoned I mean, having your ex pick you up and drop you again. Maybe there were elements of that in your childhood, from either your mother or father. Because mothers matter in our choice of man too. Then there are women who are on a kind of dogged, persistent, stubborn mission, wishing to win over a hard case, testing their own strength and emotional endurance to the extreme.
Yes, all of these strategies are damaging. But they are never senseless. What you need to do is face down your own particular life-pattern, the forces which drive you to mourn an ex who will never love you. All the scenarios I painted above were only examples. Yours, like everyone's, is a unique story, your own particular experiences. You just have to work out what it is. To do that, you have to first believe one thing. It is not about the man. It is never about the man. Your ex in that sense is irrelevant. It could be any man who leaves you unloved. Because this is about your past, a particular emotional road you've chosen in an attempt to make things right for yourself, however absurd that might seem on the face of it. Yes, I know I'm repeating myself. That's because I think it's a hard truth to take on board. It takes some digesting.
My advice? Stay with the man who loves you and helps you feel good about yourself. And start that journey of self-exploration, if necessary with professional help.
Five years ago I started dating someone I loved very much. We were together for two years. Then he got a job in Europe and the long-distance relationship was a killer. He stopped putting any effort into it, his phone calls diminished, and his visits became a rarity. When he did come back, twice or three times a year, he'd ring me, we'd go out together and have a wonderful time. But he never committed to anything, and didn't stay in regular contact.
I tried to date other guys, but always found something wrong with them. And my mind was still on the man I loved and I kept hoping each time he came back that things would be different. Each time he said he wasn't ready.
Then I met this amazing guy who truly loves me. I gave my ex one last chance to say he was serious, but he refused and I told him never to contact me again. He didn't. That was 18 months ago and the man I'm now with is really good, and very loving. He's great, and he's serious about me. Yet I can't stop thinking about my ex. I still feel the pain and hurt of him not loving me. And I still miss him. What am I doing wrong? Is this just my head playing games with me? Or am I with the wrong person? I don't want to end up throwing my life away for an ex who will never love me and ruining what I have with this guy.
Answer
Persisting with a love which will only bring heartache is self-destructive behaviour. You know that. It's obvious. What's a lot less obvious is the fact that it makes sense - not in the conscious world, but in the hidden world of our unconscious. Put another way, no behaviour, or symptom, or feeling or thought-process is stupid, or irrational. In our emotional world, which lives beneath the surface of our everyday lives, it is always entirely logical.
Some women love men who are truly awful to them. Why? Maybe they have low self-esteem and feel they deserve to be treated badly. Maybe they've chosen someone like their dad, hoping to win in this adult relationship where they lost in the child-father relationship. The daughters of alcoholics, don't forget, are more likely to choose alcoholic husbands. Or maybe the woman just feels on familiar terrain with a non-loving boyfriend. Maybe it's something you are used to, being abandoned I mean, having your ex pick you up and drop you again. Maybe there were elements of that in your childhood, from either your mother or father. Because mothers matter in our choice of man too. Then there are women who are on a kind of dogged, persistent, stubborn mission, wishing to win over a hard case, testing their own strength and emotional endurance to the extreme.
Yes, all of these strategies are damaging. But they are never senseless. What you need to do is face down your own particular life-pattern, the forces which drive you to mourn an ex who will never love you. All the scenarios I painted above were only examples. Yours, like everyone's, is a unique story, your own particular experiences. You just have to work out what it is. To do that, you have to first believe one thing. It is not about the man. It is never about the man. Your ex in that sense is irrelevant. It could be any man who leaves you unloved. Because this is about your past, a particular emotional road you've chosen in an attempt to make things right for yourself, however absurd that might seem on the face of it. Yes, I know I'm repeating myself. That's because I think it's a hard truth to take on board. It takes some digesting.
My advice? Stay with the man who loves you and helps you feel good about yourself. And start that journey of self-exploration, if necessary with professional help.
Over-Demanding Parents
Question
My mother is in her 60's and very active and involved in life. My father is retired and a few years older. He's very active too. Both have plenty of time on their hands, and thankfully healthy. Their marriage has been a happy one, as far as we children can see. My mother grew up in a household blighted by the fact that her father was an alcoholic. This is something she has spoken about, but never dealt with, or confronted, in a therapeutic capacity. Like many adults children of alcoholics, she needs to be in complete control.
My three brothers live abroad, are well settled, happily married and have children. My sister and I still live in Ireland. She's in a long-term relationship, I am single, we are both in our late 30's, and neither of us has children. We are well educated, have interesting careers, and are active in achieving what we want from life, both socially and work-wise and live in the city, having left our home town once we finished college. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that we are busy and involved in our own worlds. Of course we have our difficulties in various areas of our lives, but nothing that our parents need to be involved in. Our mother finds this difficult to understand.
I feel she basically spends a lot of time trying to make myself and my sister feel guilty. She regularly lets us know that we don't visit enough, don't chat enough, don't share our lives with her, don't invite her to visit us in the city. And she recently wrote us both a long letter in which she argued that she felt she was 'entitled' to more time from us, that she and my father had been good parents, and that they were not getting any younger. I might add that I had been down for a weekend only two weeks ago and my sister had been with them the previous weekend. I'm wondering how best to deal with this issue effectively.
Answer
Ah. You've said a lot about your mother, her controlling behaviour, the historical reasons for it, the life she has, the state of her marriage. I can see her. But the only person that matters in this story is you. Guilt is a given in life, except for the sociopaths amongst us. We learn to live with it, at best minimising it, or learning to control it rather than letting it control us. There's no point in demonising your mother – or painting her as the guilty party if you feel demonising is too strong a word. Your task is to handle yourself.
At one level it's quite simple. Your mother wants more of you than you are prepared to give. That doesn't mean her desire is wrong. Nor does it necessarily signify a lack of respect for the life you lead. She just wants you to build in a bigger role for her. That's what she's asking you. And yes, she's manipulating, playing the age card, the duty card, the 'poor me' card. That's not wise, of course. Attempts to create guilt almost invariably make the other person angry – and by the way, you are angry. You can hear it in your tone. But perhaps they are the only weapons she has. Who says parents are necessarily wise anyway.
Your mother's desire for your company makes you feel fundamentally uncomfortable. It puts you in defensive mode. It reveals your weakness, your lack of solid self-confidence in who you are and what you do. Because of all that you feel guilty, and respond with anger. What you need to achieve, of course, is a firm, kind and loving resolve. That comes with clarity about our own needs, conviction about our own basic goodness, and a gentleness towards the person who wants more than we wish to give. Sometimes how we say 'no' is the hurtful part. An angry, defensive and guilt-ridden person isn't going to be kind and tactful. Indeed how we say 'yes' matters too. You may have visited your mother a couple of weeks ago, but did you do it with a full and generous and communicative heart? Is she missing quality, rather than quantity?
Examining our conscience is always essential in resolving angry guilt. Do you keep your emotional distance from a mother you always found controlling? Do you feel angry, or anxious, about the past? Is there unfinished business between the two of you? That doesn't necessarily mean discussing it. It does mean confronting your own distress, and dealing with it. No, I'm not saying your mother is right and you are wrong. I'm saying that you'll find ways of managing your relationship when you've come to terms with your own hidden heartache.
My mother is in her 60's and very active and involved in life. My father is retired and a few years older. He's very active too. Both have plenty of time on their hands, and thankfully healthy. Their marriage has been a happy one, as far as we children can see. My mother grew up in a household blighted by the fact that her father was an alcoholic. This is something she has spoken about, but never dealt with, or confronted, in a therapeutic capacity. Like many adults children of alcoholics, she needs to be in complete control.
My three brothers live abroad, are well settled, happily married and have children. My sister and I still live in Ireland. She's in a long-term relationship, I am single, we are both in our late 30's, and neither of us has children. We are well educated, have interesting careers, and are active in achieving what we want from life, both socially and work-wise and live in the city, having left our home town once we finished college. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that we are busy and involved in our own worlds. Of course we have our difficulties in various areas of our lives, but nothing that our parents need to be involved in. Our mother finds this difficult to understand.
I feel she basically spends a lot of time trying to make myself and my sister feel guilty. She regularly lets us know that we don't visit enough, don't chat enough, don't share our lives with her, don't invite her to visit us in the city. And she recently wrote us both a long letter in which she argued that she felt she was 'entitled' to more time from us, that she and my father had been good parents, and that they were not getting any younger. I might add that I had been down for a weekend only two weeks ago and my sister had been with them the previous weekend. I'm wondering how best to deal with this issue effectively.
Answer
Ah. You've said a lot about your mother, her controlling behaviour, the historical reasons for it, the life she has, the state of her marriage. I can see her. But the only person that matters in this story is you. Guilt is a given in life, except for the sociopaths amongst us. We learn to live with it, at best minimising it, or learning to control it rather than letting it control us. There's no point in demonising your mother – or painting her as the guilty party if you feel demonising is too strong a word. Your task is to handle yourself.
At one level it's quite simple. Your mother wants more of you than you are prepared to give. That doesn't mean her desire is wrong. Nor does it necessarily signify a lack of respect for the life you lead. She just wants you to build in a bigger role for her. That's what she's asking you. And yes, she's manipulating, playing the age card, the duty card, the 'poor me' card. That's not wise, of course. Attempts to create guilt almost invariably make the other person angry – and by the way, you are angry. You can hear it in your tone. But perhaps they are the only weapons she has. Who says parents are necessarily wise anyway.
Your mother's desire for your company makes you feel fundamentally uncomfortable. It puts you in defensive mode. It reveals your weakness, your lack of solid self-confidence in who you are and what you do. Because of all that you feel guilty, and respond with anger. What you need to achieve, of course, is a firm, kind and loving resolve. That comes with clarity about our own needs, conviction about our own basic goodness, and a gentleness towards the person who wants more than we wish to give. Sometimes how we say 'no' is the hurtful part. An angry, defensive and guilt-ridden person isn't going to be kind and tactful. Indeed how we say 'yes' matters too. You may have visited your mother a couple of weeks ago, but did you do it with a full and generous and communicative heart? Is she missing quality, rather than quantity?
Examining our conscience is always essential in resolving angry guilt. Do you keep your emotional distance from a mother you always found controlling? Do you feel angry, or anxious, about the past? Is there unfinished business between the two of you? That doesn't necessarily mean discussing it. It does mean confronting your own distress, and dealing with it. No, I'm not saying your mother is right and you are wrong. I'm saying that you'll find ways of managing your relationship when you've come to terms with your own hidden heartache.
I Can't Stop Comfort Eating
Question
I try so hard to combat my comfort eating, which is really loneliness in my marriage. I am quite young and lead a very vibrant and exciting, but also laid-back life that has bags of potential. But I am crippled by my needs, which my husband of five years doesn't meet. We are not parents yet and quite work- focussed, and the only thing that gets a look-in is our social life, rather than our personal life. There are no candle-lit dinners or impromptu conversations about us, life, work, etc. We are like passing ships unless I steer us on a collision course and force communication. We've been to couples therapy but nothing changed. He doesn't communicate and doesn't prioritise 'us'.
I don't have an alternative husband in mind. I just want my husband to be more attentive. And I do understand that he might not want to pay attention to someone who is now bitter. I know the bitterness is not really justified. I should try and meet my own needs, be more independent, lean less on my husband, build my self-confidence rather than constantly looking for praise and reassurance. I also realise that my constant complaining and demanding is a form of control. I suppose I'm scared that if I become more independent, and let him off the hook, he might leave me, or at least cheat on me.
Unfortunately this knowledge doesn't help me change. My husband is understanding and tolerant and patient. In my good moments I understand that I am the problem, not him. But I'm still sitting here, comfort eating, frustrated, and sad.
Answer
Comfort eating is an addiction. And yes, you are right. All the insight in the world doesn't really help. Well, it does help in the long run, of course, and you should be proud of yourself that you worked so hard at understanding the emotional backdrop to your despair. But no, knowledge, as and of itself, doesn't bring about behavioural change. And the change in behaviour we're talking about here doesn't just involve ditching food as a comfort blanket.
Being demanding, constantly asking for more attention, endlessly complaining about the absence of succour in your marriage – all that puts you in a permanent 'one-down' position. It sets you up for defeat. The reason is simple. You are asking your husband for something he cannot give you. What you are seeking is a personal sense of courage, emotional togetherness, the capacity to feel safe and at peace, in short the ability to comfort yourself. Nobody can give you that. It's called maturity. It's something we earn in the hard slog of life.
No, I am not for one moment criticising you. Quite the contrary. I understand that you set out with a deficit. The human capacity to feel reasonably in control is laid down in the early years of childhood. Inadequate parenting limits that capacity. This is not a blame-game, merely a tool to help you. And I'm not suggesting you should go it alone either. I just don't think couples therapy is the way to go – not right now. You need proper professional help to learn as an adult what you missed out on learning as a toddler, namely that you can make yourself safe. That doesn't mean mad independence, or going solo, or giving up on marriage. It means developing the confidence to negotiate a relationship so that the two people involved can be heard, and enriched.
Don't turn your insight into self-bashing. Use it to find the professional you need, the first step in saying that you are a worthy human being. Which you are, and a very brave one too.
I try so hard to combat my comfort eating, which is really loneliness in my marriage. I am quite young and lead a very vibrant and exciting, but also laid-back life that has bags of potential. But I am crippled by my needs, which my husband of five years doesn't meet. We are not parents yet and quite work- focussed, and the only thing that gets a look-in is our social life, rather than our personal life. There are no candle-lit dinners or impromptu conversations about us, life, work, etc. We are like passing ships unless I steer us on a collision course and force communication. We've been to couples therapy but nothing changed. He doesn't communicate and doesn't prioritise 'us'.
I don't have an alternative husband in mind. I just want my husband to be more attentive. And I do understand that he might not want to pay attention to someone who is now bitter. I know the bitterness is not really justified. I should try and meet my own needs, be more independent, lean less on my husband, build my self-confidence rather than constantly looking for praise and reassurance. I also realise that my constant complaining and demanding is a form of control. I suppose I'm scared that if I become more independent, and let him off the hook, he might leave me, or at least cheat on me.
Unfortunately this knowledge doesn't help me change. My husband is understanding and tolerant and patient. In my good moments I understand that I am the problem, not him. But I'm still sitting here, comfort eating, frustrated, and sad.
Answer
Comfort eating is an addiction. And yes, you are right. All the insight in the world doesn't really help. Well, it does help in the long run, of course, and you should be proud of yourself that you worked so hard at understanding the emotional backdrop to your despair. But no, knowledge, as and of itself, doesn't bring about behavioural change. And the change in behaviour we're talking about here doesn't just involve ditching food as a comfort blanket.
Being demanding, constantly asking for more attention, endlessly complaining about the absence of succour in your marriage – all that puts you in a permanent 'one-down' position. It sets you up for defeat. The reason is simple. You are asking your husband for something he cannot give you. What you are seeking is a personal sense of courage, emotional togetherness, the capacity to feel safe and at peace, in short the ability to comfort yourself. Nobody can give you that. It's called maturity. It's something we earn in the hard slog of life.
No, I am not for one moment criticising you. Quite the contrary. I understand that you set out with a deficit. The human capacity to feel reasonably in control is laid down in the early years of childhood. Inadequate parenting limits that capacity. This is not a blame-game, merely a tool to help you. And I'm not suggesting you should go it alone either. I just don't think couples therapy is the way to go – not right now. You need proper professional help to learn as an adult what you missed out on learning as a toddler, namely that you can make yourself safe. That doesn't mean mad independence, or going solo, or giving up on marriage. It means developing the confidence to negotiate a relationship so that the two people involved can be heard, and enriched.
Don't turn your insight into self-bashing. Use it to find the professional you need, the first step in saying that you are a worthy human being. Which you are, and a very brave one too.
Started College But Affair Continues
Question
I am in quite a predicament and don't know who to turn to. I am 18 years old and have just started college. This involved moving to the city. I got the subject I wanted, and I have had my life planned out for some time now. At least I had it all planned out until I met this guy. He's 34 and married to a close friend. We started seeing each other quite frequently. I know it was wrong, but I had never felt the way he made me feel before. Anyway, things got pretty serious pretty quickly, so I had to stop seeing him. I missed him a lot, but I was OK. Then a couple of months later I rang him and we met up again, and this time it got more serious more quickly.
Now I've moved to the city, quite far from my home town, and I know it's best for everyone if I end the relationship and get on with my life and studies. But I can't bring myself to end it. I still see him at weekends when I go home. I know he doesn't want things to end either, so there's no point in me waiting it out to see if he will put a stop to things. He won't. His wife has no idea what is going on and I feel badly that he and I have to lie just so we can be together. I cannot tell my friends because they would not understand and I am afraid they would disapprove of me. I am stuck because I know it should end, but I can't bring myself to do it, and then be hurt. Any advice?
Answer
You are asking me how to become a better person. Or as I would prefer to put it, you are asking how you can become a kinder and more loving human being. It's not that you lack conscience, or goodness, or concern for others. You just can't quite put it into action. In failing to do so, you are above all failing yourself.
First step is to see things clearly. You wouldn't hurt yourself by ending it. Certainly you'd miss this man terribly, feel huge emotional pain, but that's different. The truth is that you're hurting yourself by being with him. You are offending your own sense of decency – not least by cheating on a woman friend – and you are allowing yourself to be treated really badly. Having a sordid little secret affair kills all self-esteem. By treating you this way your lover is showing such terrible disrespect, displaying how little he thinks of you, using you, in short, for the sake of his own pathetic ego. Where's the joy, or happiness, or dignity in that? Don't you see? He doesn't care.
Secondly, you are seriously isolating yourself. Look at what you tell me. You can't confide in your friends because yes, of course, they would disapprove of you. There is nothing in this situation anyone can approve of. You don't even approve of it. Your isolation goes further. You also have to lie to those around you, telling them you are somewhere else, or doing something else, when you go to meet him. Those kind of lies leave us terribly lonely. Apart from anything else, they invalidate our friendships, our relationships with family. Keeping a secret which necessitates deceit makes us inauthentic, sort of invisible, a kind of fraud, outside the world we live in. That does savage things to the mind and heart and spirit.
Thirdly, most affairs are found out. Trust me, it's true. You or your lover become careless. His wife gets suspicious. You get unlucky. Or one of you unconsciously wants to go public and does something silly. The world will then judge you. The pain you feel at the thought of not seeing him will grow pale in comparison to the isolation you will then experience. His wife, your friend, will feel even more pain, hurt beyond anything you can imagine. And yes, I understand. Deep down you may dream that one day the two of you will end up together, by some magical means. But will you?
Is that what you're both working towards? Is it what you want, at 18, and just starting off on the college course of your dreams? And if that is true, is this the way to go about it? Wouldn't it be more self-affirming, more dignified, more kind and loving to yourself and others to leave him now, allow him sort out his marriage and, when he has something to offer you, then come back to you?
You have a good heart. Do it justice.
I am in quite a predicament and don't know who to turn to. I am 18 years old and have just started college. This involved moving to the city. I got the subject I wanted, and I have had my life planned out for some time now. At least I had it all planned out until I met this guy. He's 34 and married to a close friend. We started seeing each other quite frequently. I know it was wrong, but I had never felt the way he made me feel before. Anyway, things got pretty serious pretty quickly, so I had to stop seeing him. I missed him a lot, but I was OK. Then a couple of months later I rang him and we met up again, and this time it got more serious more quickly.
Now I've moved to the city, quite far from my home town, and I know it's best for everyone if I end the relationship and get on with my life and studies. But I can't bring myself to end it. I still see him at weekends when I go home. I know he doesn't want things to end either, so there's no point in me waiting it out to see if he will put a stop to things. He won't. His wife has no idea what is going on and I feel badly that he and I have to lie just so we can be together. I cannot tell my friends because they would not understand and I am afraid they would disapprove of me. I am stuck because I know it should end, but I can't bring myself to do it, and then be hurt. Any advice?
Answer
You are asking me how to become a better person. Or as I would prefer to put it, you are asking how you can become a kinder and more loving human being. It's not that you lack conscience, or goodness, or concern for others. You just can't quite put it into action. In failing to do so, you are above all failing yourself.
First step is to see things clearly. You wouldn't hurt yourself by ending it. Certainly you'd miss this man terribly, feel huge emotional pain, but that's different. The truth is that you're hurting yourself by being with him. You are offending your own sense of decency – not least by cheating on a woman friend – and you are allowing yourself to be treated really badly. Having a sordid little secret affair kills all self-esteem. By treating you this way your lover is showing such terrible disrespect, displaying how little he thinks of you, using you, in short, for the sake of his own pathetic ego. Where's the joy, or happiness, or dignity in that? Don't you see? He doesn't care.
Secondly, you are seriously isolating yourself. Look at what you tell me. You can't confide in your friends because yes, of course, they would disapprove of you. There is nothing in this situation anyone can approve of. You don't even approve of it. Your isolation goes further. You also have to lie to those around you, telling them you are somewhere else, or doing something else, when you go to meet him. Those kind of lies leave us terribly lonely. Apart from anything else, they invalidate our friendships, our relationships with family. Keeping a secret which necessitates deceit makes us inauthentic, sort of invisible, a kind of fraud, outside the world we live in. That does savage things to the mind and heart and spirit.
Thirdly, most affairs are found out. Trust me, it's true. You or your lover become careless. His wife gets suspicious. You get unlucky. Or one of you unconsciously wants to go public and does something silly. The world will then judge you. The pain you feel at the thought of not seeing him will grow pale in comparison to the isolation you will then experience. His wife, your friend, will feel even more pain, hurt beyond anything you can imagine. And yes, I understand. Deep down you may dream that one day the two of you will end up together, by some magical means. But will you?
Is that what you're both working towards? Is it what you want, at 18, and just starting off on the college course of your dreams? And if that is true, is this the way to go about it? Wouldn't it be more self-affirming, more dignified, more kind and loving to yourself and others to leave him now, allow him sort out his marriage and, when he has something to offer you, then come back to you?
You have a good heart. Do it justice.
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