Question
I'm a 40 year old woman with two teenage children. Not long ago I had a mid-life crisis and wanted to sleep with someone I really fancied, just to see what it was like. I fell hook line and sinker for a married man with two young children. He was really attracted to me, we slept together, and it was amazing. But he was really frightened about getting caught, so it was just that once.
When we see each other the attraction and chat and fun are all still there, but he's just too scared of losing all he has. I, on the other hand, am bored, don't fancy my husband at all, but don't want to hurt him either. He loves me and he is kind. I am also in a financial mess, which would make leaving him impossible anyway. I cry all the time. It's not about the man I slept with, it's about wondering if I can stay in a marriage where I will never fancy my husband. Or do I leave and try to meet someone I do fancy - someone who may treat me the way I probably deserve, which is badly. I'm in a panic about life.
I am attractive and can get the attention of plenty of men, but I am just so confused. I keep thinking that next week I'll know what to do and this isn't fair to anyone. My husband knows there is something wrong, and keeps telling me he loves me. He thinks I'm depressed. I truly don't want to hurt him. Will I get over the fact that I don't find him attractive, or will I have to live a lie for the rest of my life? Will I cheat again? To be totally honest, if this man I slept with had said that we could meet once a month for sex - with both our lives remaining otherwise intact - I would have done it. Where does that leave me?
Answer
I do recognise the awful imperative of sexual need. I do understand, too, the unhappy reality of not finding a husband, or wife, sexually attractive. Countless couples part company for that very reason, although many of them don't face the fact, and find other things to quarrel about, other reasons for leaving.
Psychology, however, is no substitute for conscience. I have no answer to your moral dilemma. Nor have I any professional guide to infidelity, can't give you hints on how to avoid hurting your husband, while still getting regular sex with someone else.
We can sort some things out. You haven't fallen hook line and sinker for this other man. You fancy him. Familiar, contactable and sexy, he's an obvious target. He's also married with small children, and has made it clear he wants to protect all that. Why, then, would you risk increasing the circle of misery? Isn't it bad enough that you're so unhappy yourself, without threatening another family? You are already sad about hurting your husband. Why would you want to hurt someone else's wife? You're playing with fire. Distance yourself.
We sometimes use sex to solve general unhappiness. Down-in-the-mouth, disheartened, dissatisfied, we turn to sex to give our lives the excitement we're missing, or the distraction we desire from the chore of daily existence. Sex is important. But we can also make it too important. Is that happening to you? Is your husband actually right? Are you depressed? Has sex become a bit of an obsession because you've so much else you haven't sorted out?
Start tackling the issues that confront you. Fix your financial mess. Face whatever else is driving you to distraction. That way, the confusion will clear. And you'll find the answers.
