Question
I'm four years in a relationship and am broken-hearted. My partner and I live 30-odd miles apart. She lives with her children, while I live alone. We usually meet at weekends and speak very regularly on the phone. For the first couple of years she came to my house every weekend. We had a great time together, a meal out, long walks, shared bath, love and affection. She had had an unhappy marriage and was divorced long before I met her. I think at any time in those early years she would have married me. Unfortunately I was not ready. Silly of me, I put my work before her, often telling her not to phone me on certain days because I was too busy. And other times, I avoided spending the weekend with her, even though I had nothing else on. I only wish I could change that.
In latter years I began to go to her for weekends as the children needed more attention. I got on well with them. I also did a lot of housework, handy-man jobs, the garden, because I liked easing her workload. I also asked her to marry me, and while she said yes, she told no-one about it. We lead a quiet life as neither of us drank.
Last Christmas she went with work colleagues to a local hotel and was blown away by the crack and good time everyone was having. She had never done this previously, and couldn't wait to go again - which she did, quite a few times. I was not invited. Needless to say she was chatted up by lots of men and then asked out on a date. And then she said she wanted to end our relationship. We didn't see each other for three months.
We have seen more of each other lately, even went on holidays together, but it does not feel right. She says her date meant nothing. She also says she doesn't know what she wants anymore. I know that man she went on the date with is still in the background since they work together. The thought of her with another man is destroying me. I can't sleep, or work. I love her deeply and she knows that.
How long do I wait for her to decide? Am I being stupid to expect her back?
Answer
Maybe she would have married you back then. You did what you did, feeling it was right at the time. There's no point in now wishing you had done things differently. And there is no guarantee the marriage, if it had happened, would have gone smoothly. Your girlfriend has discovered there is a life beyond quiet togetherness. That might well have happened even if you were husband and wife.
If you love her, you wait, no time limit. What else would you be doing anyway? She has a quiet, steady man who loves her. And she knows it. She is now in a place of certainty. She also knows that at some stage she has to choose, and she will. That doesn't mean you have to put up with anything she dishes out. If she dates the other man again, or goes out with someone else, then of course the picture changes. Allowing her time to find her emotional feet does not mean you allow her to walk on you. She can't be careless about you either, breaking arrangements at the last minute for example, or expecting too much practical support in her home, or whatever. Respect has to be maintained, on both sides.
In all of this you won't be playing a waiting game. It's a time to try new things together, to see if you could have the kind of fun she found with her workmates, a chance to turn your life together into something exciting as well as quiet commitment. It's your chance to woo her. No hanging back this time. Fight for her.
