Question
A year ago I met a man on a dating website. We met up, had a drink, and got on extremely well. We've been dating since. A year down the line and I've just found out that he'd already been in a long-distance three year relationship with another woman when he met me. He had told me he was single. Since we got together, he has seen his other partner about nine times and gone on a week-long holiday with her. He then told her he had to go overseas, and shared his life with me. During this time, he regularly emailed his partner, telling her he loved her and missed her but was unable to get home. Given the nature of his job, this would have seemed normal to her.
Effectively he's been living a double life. I have spoken to his partner and she is devastated. As for me, I had my suspicions throughout, but chose to ignore them. It seems he has a pattern of moving on to the next woman before finishing it completely with his current partner. I know this because he lied to the other woman too when he met her, simply saying he was divorced several years, when in fact he'd had another long-term relationship which wasn't quite over.
I am very confused. This man is loving, kind, helpful, and has always been good to me - apart from these awful lies. When I confronted him, he said he had no answers. He cannot say why he continued to lead us both on, why he did not end it with the woman he'd been seeing for three years. Nor has he any answer as to what he planned to do had he not been found out.
I love him, but I'm not sure I can ever trust him again. I am dumbfounded at his behaviour. It's almost like bigamy, but it's not. I feel like the 'other woman' here. I'm still with him, but still very hurt. He says he loves me. But he continued to tell the other woman that he loved her and missed her. So how can I believe him?
Answer
Well of course you can't. Or rather you can, provided you understand that loving, for him, means something different. It's not a promise of togetherness for a life-time. It's not a promise of exclusivity, or sexual or emotional faithfulness. Love, for him, is what he gives you - and you've listed it out - being loving, kind, helpful, which I'm sure includes being affectionate and thoughtful and concerned on a daily basis about your welfare. That's the deal. He's good to you. Full stop.
I think you can trust him to be all that, do all that. You just can't ever know when it will end. Nor can you presume that you and this other woman are the whole story, even as we speak. Maybe there's someone else already in the pipe-line. That's his form. It would be foolish to believe that with you it will be different, that he'll change. He's given you no reason to think that. After all, he didn't turn over a new leaf when he met you now did he?
You must also face the fact that he's putting it up to you in a big way. He has nothing to say. He has no explanations. He makes no promises. He gives no reassurance. The message is clear as a bell. In that much he is absolutely honest. You can take it or leave it. Throw him out if you wish. Keep him if you wish - that is, until he decides to move on himself. It's solely down to you. There's no mystery. You just have to decide whether or not you can settle for what's on offer.
