Question
I'm 30 years old and have been with my boyfriend for two years. We have lived together for the past year. This is the most serious relationship I've had. And I very much want to get married and have a family. I know that if I was to end my current relationship, I may not be lucky enough to meet another partner while I'm still young enough to do that.. It took me so long to meet my current partner, my social circle is small, and I know that I'm not the most physically attractive woman around. So I don't want to break up with my boyfriend but I'm starting to worry that I'm setting myself up for a disappointing life.
He's intelligent, kind and funny. I love his company. I love him so very much, and feel secure that he loves me. However, he is not at all romantic. He doesn't make me feel special. He doesn't say or do anything to make me feel good about myself. I have to do all the housework, the cooking, the shopping, the gardening, and anything else that needs to be done. I work hard to be a good girlfriend and am always putting him first and trying to do little things to make his life happier. He doesn't even notice anymore.
The biggest disappointment to me is our sex life. His sex drive is almost non-existent. We only have sex about once a month, it's over very fast, and he makes little effort to satisfy me. I have stopped trying to initiate sex as he turns me down every time and the rejection hurts me deeply. I don't have great self-esteem and having to beg my boyfriend for sex doesn't help. I've talked to him about this but he just says he can't help that he doesn't feel like it and doesn't know what I expect him to do.
The final issue is marriage. He says we can get married down the line if it's really important to me, but he himself is indifferent. This makes me sad. I want to be proposed to by someone who loves me and wants to marry me. Otherwise there's no point.
I know I am to blame for many of our issues. I am not assertive and I find it hard to ask for, or demand, what I want in life. I never complain when I'm taken for granted, or stand up for myself when someone does me wrong.
I believe most of my problems stem from childhood. My dad is a very controlling man and I would endeavour to do whatever he wanted to avoid his disapproval and anger. I learned that it was not enough for me to just be who I am. I needed to earn his love. In every relationship I've had, I've behaved the same way. Then I feel hard done by because my efforts are taken for granted and I get nothing in return.
I don't know how to be any other way. I've spent my whole life trying to be the person others wanted me to be. Now I realise that I've never established a real personality and I haven't a clue who I am.
Answer
You do know how to do it differently. You just haven't had any practice, because you never tried. But I want you to think about something else first.
If you haven't a clue as to who you are, how can anyone else? If you only ever do what you think people want, then you're in hiding. You create a false persona. Worse, you become an instrument of other peoples wishes, rather than a real live human being. Obviously they like that, at some level anyway, but it also makes it impossible for them to even properly acknowledge your existence, let alone please you or love you. Instead, the inherent selfishness and narcissism that lurks in every human breast simply comes to the fore, and they ignore your needs.
I understand being scared about not being loved. What I'm trying to point out is that you are the one who is creating that situation. Yes, your father programmed you. Or rather you chose to behave that way because it seemed safer when you were small and vulnerable. And yes, you lack the skill of asserting yourself. But self-assertion, like any skill, has to be learned. You attempt it, wobble, attempt it again, wobble, and attempt it again until slowly, but surely, the world around you sees that you exist. Yes, of course I understand that the wobble is your terror of not being loved. And yes, your boyfriend could walk away, once you emerge as a real human being. But that will only happen if he is the wrong man for you.
Can you face the fear of changing? Can you see it's your best chance of being loved, either by your boyfriend, or by someone else? Would you consider getting some professional help as you take the first tentative steps out of hiding?
